Help, It’s a MIL one.

[whattodoaboutMIL]

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

She has no friends, and not through lack of DP and I trying to get her out into the world. She spends her time playing on her phone and watching TV.

That's really sad. What does she think is going to happen? Have you talked about it much?

I think the best way to go would be to force a sale ASAP, but I don’t know where we stand with two of the beneficiaries having diminished mental capacity? I think we need to seek legal advice because this cannot go on.

Of course you can move out. Moving out doesn't mean that your DP will lose his inheritance, he will still be entitled to 20% when the house is sold.

What culture ethnicity are we talking about ?

Its your boyfriend that needs to get a solicitor I don't think they will act for you by yourself as your not named in the will.
Get an appointment booked for him and go with him. Also get him to pull his finger out, don't be doing everything for him, hes a grown man.

I think it that case they would hopefully have named people to act on their behalf

I think she thinks we’re all going to live here happily ever after and we will keep her till the end of her days. She needs to go back to work and start contributing and we need to sell this house. I love her but I’m feeling very resentful of the fact that I do a long day on the ward and then come home to this.

Urgh, that sounds like one of the worst situations!
I thought my own family's mess was bad enough but this one is definitely worse.
I don't know what your MIL is playing at - seems like she's decided she can sponge off her son now forever, so somehow you need to get out. With your MIL and the aunties being the executors, that makes it tricky BUT there should also be a solicitor involved - if not, get one in.
There is the possibility that you can do something about executors who don't perform their role adequately - but I don't know if you can get one without the others, and it seems like it would be unfair to your DH's aunties.
Have a read of this www.ibblaw.co.uk/service/problems-executors and see if there's anything there that might help you.

Sorry you're in this situation, how awful. :(

I think we need to seek legal advice because this cannot go on.

Yes, you do.

How recently did Grandpa die?
When did you and your partner move in?
Who is paying the council tax and utility bill?

@Rudgie47 Please don’t blame my DP here, he has done nothing wrong. I’m not doing everything for him but I am doing what I can to keep him from falling apart.

Culture is white British. I think MIL is so used to being kept by her parents that she just doesn’t know how to do things for herself.

Yes you DP needs to instruct a solicitor as does your aunt who is able thy can advise about what do for those without capacity you need to get advice ASAP this would be quick

Sorry won't be quick

First and for most you need to stop enabling her, stop cooking etc for her and clean your own stuff and communal areas if you have to. You also need to get a solicitor and start to try and force a sale.

What on earth does she live on? How does she buy clothes, toiletries etc if she has no income or benefits??

Move out OP till your boyfriend sorts it all out. Then you wont be faced with it.

DGF died two weeks ago. It went to the coroner because it was sudden, MIL didn’t have a clue how to deal with that so I have been liaising with them, we don’t even have the death certificate yet because MIL didn’t know she was supposed to deal with that as his NOK and DP and I blindly assumed she had taken care of it, until she started complaining about the ‘hold up’ so I called the coroner myself and found out that they had been trying to contact her! Legally DGF is still alive as his death has still not been registered (DP is picking up the death cert tomorrow).

When did you and your partner move in?

She has some savings, I think. She manages to buy shit so I don’t know why she can’t buy proper food. She leaves chocolate wrappers around the place so she’s eating junk but preparing a meal is apparently out of the question.

We moved in back in April.

Has anyone actually tried speaking to her?

I think you need to talk to a solicitor. It may be that house HAS to be sold so that the other beneficiaries can get their inheritance, unless specifically stated otherwise in the will. Otherwise your partner and MIL should be paying rent to the other beneficiaries as they now own 3/5 of the property that you are living in. I would get some legal advice on this asap before it gets any more complicated.

Of course DP has spoken to her! She just starts shouting and saying she bets he wishes she was dead

Is she the sole executor ? Will there be enough money with her share to buy somewhere?

If her father only died 2 weeks ago then maybe she is grieving?