Help, It’s a MIL one.

[whattodoaboutMIL]

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

Form=firm

You say she doesn't understand a lot of the stuff that needs sorting out. Is she capable of understanding and just not interested, or is she just not capable?

The reason I ask is that I have an older dsis who has mild learning difficulties and would not be capable of dealing with the financials and practicalities after a parent died. Some relatives think my dm and my other siblings baby her, but we always try to get her involved in how to manage her house (she has a house she rents out) and and the remortgaging and accounts etc. She comes with us to all the meetings with mortgage advisors and accountants but literally finds it too complicated and can't take it in, but to the outsider it might look like she is taking the piss and getting her family to do things she can't be bothered to do.

As far as daily living goes, dsis can look after herself and does as she lives alone in the town where she works, but comes to stay with dm every other weekend. She has to be constantly reminded to clear up after herself and contribute to things like washing up. As soon as she is within the vicinity of her family she regresses into wanting to be looked after. I don't think it's conscious though. We try not to let her get away with it as we know she is capable of pitching in.

MattBerrysHair, you may well be on to something there. She’s never been diagnosed with anything, she’s not exceptionally bright but I suppose that’s just how some people are. I don’t even know how we would begin to open that can of worms with a 57yo lady, if she was tested and turned it out didn’t have any sort of SN she’d probably be mortified we’d even suggested it, but if she did then who knows what would come next.

There are just things I notice about her that are very odd, like when she decided to add DP’s estranged father on FB (he was the result of a brief fling and has never really had anything to do with his father apart from a few years of contact from the age of 17) and start asking about his garden on his public timeline!

So perhaps she does have some issues deciding what is appropriate behaviour and what isn’t.

MIL said she’s lost her bank card, not sure if she has or not but I didn’t push it

In all honesty, do you really think you've helping yourself here? Or her, come to that?

I didn’t want to get arsed in case she actually has lost her bank card. DP took her to the bank yesterday while I was at work apparently, so she may well have done. She’ll have a new one by middle of next week if it’s true.

Did she get your £15 out when she was at the bank?

Quick update.

I booked an appointment for MIL to register DGF’s death as there was nothing available on any days DP and I were off. She successfully registered the death yesterday so that’s good!

She’s bought milk and bread this week, so that’s a start.

Small steps are good OP!

It seems to me that as she acts like a child then you pretty much treat her as one. Not by babying her but by telling her every thing that needs doing and making her do it even when It would be far easier and quicker to just do it yourself.
I have teenagers and I sometimes have to tell/remind them day in day out to put their dirty stuff in the dishwasher or stay around after dinner to dry up but I do it.
Whether she simply doesn't see it or she's taking you for a ride doesn't really matter so long as you don't let her do it to you

Uh, if you RTFT you’ll see that I do it all anyway, that’s literally the whole point of the thread hun

Hello all, me again. Just checking in as things have gone from bad to worse!

MIL is still doing nothing day to day, I have stopped preparing dinner for her every single night though.

Still no interest in working, she ‘has to look after the cats’

My friend visited the other day and asked immediately afterwards whether MIL had a learning disability, as she recognised lots of traits from her previous job at a supported living facility. My own Mum asked the same after she met her, I mentioned this to DP and he said he’s had the same thought countless times. But here’s the pickle again, how do you suggest to a 57yo that she should think about getting assessed?

Oops, slight NC fail