Help, It’s a MIL one.

[whattodoaboutMIL]

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

How is the house going to be sold when two of the beneficiaries don't have capacity to consent to a sale?

Fuck me, so I cook for her, clean up after her, do her laundry and I’m not a decent person because I can’t afford to do it? I did it before he died, too, if you read all my posts.

DP has mentioned to her that there are dishes to be done but she will either do it so shoddily that it needs redoing (the cutlery and plates still have food on them when she puts them back in the cupboard) or she will just disappear off to the toilet and not come back. If we cook the meal and then leave the dishes as a hint, we will always come back to the kitchen and find them either still next to the sink, or ‘washed up’ and still dirty. This has always been the case. DGF never liked to make a fuss so he never said anything about it, so this is what she is used to.

Surely you need to get the house on the market then? Where were you living before and why did you decide to move in with MiL?

I would help MiL move the property sale along and get the will sorted. In the mean time either move out or put up with her. Sounds very frustrating but trying to change her probably won't work.

Your choosing to do this though OP, theres nothing to stop you moving out. Has the hospital got any temp nurses accommodation you can move into? Also at the very end of the day this is your boyfriends mother.

Why do you do her laundry?!

I would sit her down and tell her that you both can't afford to feed her and pay all the bills from today. She will have to either go back to work or use her savings.

DH needs to spell it out.

The thing is alot has been going on for more than the two weeks including the subbing of MIL. But yes It will take time to sort so best thing is find out who the executors are and get them moving, prep the house for sale (its the only way its going to happen) and get people in to sort photos etc - nothing can be signed to put onto the market anyway until probate is sorted

Stay put, stop cooking for her. Get the house ready to sell. Appoint a solicitor to act for the executors. Their fee will come out of the estate. Get the house sold, use your share as a deposit. You'll have to grit your teeth but it should be done in a year

DP lived here with DGF and MIL until we moved out together a couple of years ago, then we moved back in earlier this year to help DGF out and at his suggestion that we save money by paying far lower rent than we were paying. DP has always lived here and paid to live here since he started earning money from his paper round at 14.

What job did she do?

I cannot move out and just leave her, though. As frustrated as I am with all this, I couldn’t just leave her here because things would just fall into disarray and we’d worry about her. This is the killer!

Stop cooking and doing her washing for a start. I don't understand why you're doing that for her?

Two weeks! FFS! Don't use this bereavement as an excuse to berate your MIL (and your OH) about something that has been annoying you for a while.

He is not legally alive because the death has not been registered either. She may not have informed anyone he is dead, but that is not the same.

So what were your plans to get out of the situation 3 weeks ago before there was a prospect of an imminent inheritance?
A will with a occupied property and 2 executors who are unable to act will take both significant cost and time to administer. It is very likely that your partner will only receive a fraction of the amount you are expecting as a substantial portion will be spent on lawyers fees.
It also sounds as though your MiL is dealing with her own mental health issues (which her dad may well have known about which would explain him not questioning her).

Is she depressed? Does she drink?

I’ve always done everyone’s laundry, I just put all the similar colours in together when there’s enough. The laundry isn’t a big deal as it works out easier to just chuck it all in.

This sounds like a horrendous situation and I feel for you.

DGFs estate will have to go to probate, but you can't begin that until you have the death registered, and you have the funeral and such to organise and get through first. Probate can be expensive, but it's also completely possible to do it yourself without a solicitor. I have recently done it after my father died and saved myself £000s in solicitor's fees. Certainly get some legal advice, especially about the beneficiary/executor set up, as once the house is sold you'll have to ensure the money isn't paid into an account controlled by your MIL alone. Definitely don't get pressured into having MIL move in with you once you sell up and move out. You've got a tough time ahead, but with the right advice and help you can get through this. Good luck!

Our plans before DGF’s death were to save up (as we have been doing) and move out when we had a substantial deposit that we had saved up for.

Forcing a sale is never easy and unfortunately leaving the house between five different people complicates things further. Realistically the only way this will be resolved is to sell but persuading the other four parties (MIL included) to do this will take time.

I suggest you use this opportunity of no rent/mortgage and save as hard as you can towards a deposit as you do not know how long all this will take before your DP gets his hands on it.

Speak to MIL as an adult and lay it on the line. You cannot afford to feed her and pay her bills and she is not a child so she needs to step up and help. If she doesn't then yes I would be inclined not to buy food for her or cook for her. Unfortunately if she does not even wash up dishes you may have to resign yourself to putting up with washing dishes as you use them and keeping them somewhere she does not have access to. If she doesn't pay towards bills record it and say she has to pay for it eventually from her sale proceeds when the house is sold.

Talk to a solicitor to get the process started after a decent interval. I think 2 weeks after she lost her dad unexpectedly is too soon though.

She doesn’t drink, no MH issues.

YOU moved into your husband grandfather house, why did you guys do that? considering you are both grown adults. Why are you looking down on the MIL who was doing the same thing?

You say she was working but suddenly quit, why is that? have you ever thought to investigate? that there may be some mental health issues at play here?

She has you and her son living with her and it sounds you are both making her feel uncomfortable that she stays in her room most of the time.

Her son should be encouraging her to make an appointment with the GP and to apply for benefits she may be entitled too.

You should not be trying bully her out of the house that she rightfully shares. "O we need the house for the deposit" tough luck!!

If you feel your MIL is an vulnerable adult who cannot take care of herself then you should contact social services.

The issue here is not the inheritance or a quick sale. I don’t mind ticking along living with MIL for the time being, I just want her to contribute and pay her keep. She has savings, I’m not asking her to go out and get a job immediately.

Oh I don't know about the "no MH issues" - they may not be diagnosed, but something isn't quite right!

It sounds like a right pickle and I do sympathise, particularly when you can't have a serious conversation without her shouting
I think you have a series of issues to separate out and solve here.
One of the biggest problems is that she has zero income. She lives there but cannot do anything with her time as she has no spending money. I think it is fair to ask her to do chores as her contribution.
If she is unemployed - she should be claiming benefits and they would then start taking her in hand and encouraging her to find employment. - at least it wouldn't all fall on you.
56 is not old, but she does sound incapable, and its not as easy to find employment at that age, certainly it might take some time. Maybe she doesn't know where to start and therefore is not making any effort.
Although she is not yet 60, could you talk to Age Concern about some of her issues? She might have mental health issues. They may have some suggestions for how you can approach this with her.
If she is able to claim some benefits, she could at least then start contributing to the household income which would remove one of the worries.
A solicitor is needed to help with the will etc.. and it might be that she can appoint them to act as excecutor, which would again take the strain off you. The bill would come out of the total estate and so all would have to contribute, so it wouldn't be a huge burden on you and worth it to have it solved without massive argument.
Devils advocate but she might completely overwhelmed by the fear of the future, lack of employability, lack of funds, depression, etc. So when you try to talk to her she shouts. It might be easier if you break it down into small specific things and deal with them one by one. The first one being benefits. Sometimes people who cant cope are incapable of making decisions and so you might need to do the initial leg work. Present her with an appointment, drive her there if necessary.
I suspect that it might be happier and more successful in the long run for all of you if you can find a kinder gentler way of weaning her off this dependence frustrating though that might be. Solving some of the big problems so that its more workable. Some of the suggestions on here sound a bit brutal and may cause bigger problems in the long run because there's a chance they may lead to a crisis, may not work and therefore will cause you more stress overall.

She stayed in her room all the time when DGF was around so it’s not that we make her feel uncomfortable.