Taking friend's sons to school as a favour.

[Polly7]

As a favour to a friend whose sons attend the same nursery as my 2 sons . I agreed to take her sons to and fro to school and back. (I'm going anyway, so it's no biggie). However her eldest son has declined to invite my eldest son to his birthday party, her reason-" it's up to my son who he invites to his birthday party)! "I didn't want to get into a paid type of arrangement. I know that she's short of cash, so her job is vital. Her husband doesn't lift a finger to help her with her sons. I'm quite pissed off, and on the point of telling her that my eldest son doesn't want her son to accompany us to school! My husband and 2 close friends have said that I should tell her that our "arrangement" is terminated-she has taken advantage quite frequently re her kids staying for lunch with us,and what not! Any advice?

I agree with you and would stop with the free lifts. At the end of the day, she should know it's insulting and if she cared enough about you and your DD then she would invite him because it's the right thing to do. Tell her "it's up to my DS who accompanies him to school" and that it's not going to happen any more.

Sorry I meant to say DS*

She's placed no value on the huge favour you do for her.
And that shit right now

I would stop the favour too.

Your ds is going to feel really upset seeing him knowing he’s having a party that ds is not invited to.

Just text, I won’t be doing school runs for you anymore.

If you feel you want to you could easily add in my ds doesn’t want him with us.

I disagree. I don't think your relationship with her should be dependent on your kids being mates. You offered to help her, if it's no longer convenient, tell her but don't make this about the kids.

I'm in agreement with you and PP and think it's quite mean-spirited. I wouldn't say your son doesn't want the youngest coming on the school run though, I'd just be honest that your feelings are hurt.

Has she reciprocated in any way.

Occasional bottle of wine, thank you present now and then?

Any real gratitude?

Are you sure she's a friend? She's got a nerve, what a role model for her DS. She should be setting an example to him.
I agree text her and say it's no longer convenient for you to take her children to school & she'll have to make other arrangements pronto.

yeah id just say sorry cant help you anymore, but ultimately its up to me who i invite on our school runs.

Definitely end the arrangement. I wouldn't say you ds is the reason though as that might lead to issues at school with friends ect.

I would just I'm no longer to take you dc to school after this date. No apologies no excuses and don't lie it will only make it worse in the long run simple factual
And no apoplogy.

Wow! She’s not your friend. She’s nasty. Nobody’s even called her a CF yet!!!

if this was me and my friend was taking my kid to school and they then said they didn't want friends child at party, I would say well that's not nice, if it wasn't for them you'd be walking to school in all weathers, maybe they want a friend in the car not you, but its still you in it every day, i would also tell them that sometimes in life you have to do what you dont want to do like tidy your room, or clean a toilet or invite someone to a party to be nice and polite. i'd certainly be buying the friend a bottle of plonk, flowers or chocolates every couple of weeks or offering free baby sitting so she can have some downtime!

i would let her know how you feel how she has hurt your feelings and DC has hurt you DS and say you think the arrangement is off for now until her DC can be nicer, towards your DS, you dont want your son feeling left out

Are the older boys in the same class? Do they play together or juts walk to school? Do they spend time together outside of school, a part from the babysitting? Do they choose to spend time together? If so, I think an invite would have been polite, how old are they, that the boy has complete invite autonomy?

Do you get anything from the friend? Wine, flowers, chocs? How far away does she live?

Given they are little kids, the mum should have invited your kid do she is out of order.

I would say that I'm unable to do the school run anymore and that I understand it's down to her son who he invites, but I know she'll understand I don't want my son in situation where he feels excluded

So the kid's happy enough to hoover up lunch at in your son's company but can't accommodate him for a couple of hours on his birthday?

I'd be ditching the favours pronto.

yes I would tell her my son is upset and would like some space from her son so lifts to nursery are terminated until further notice!

How old are all the children? Is there a big age difference between her eldest and your eldest?

That's very mean of her.
I don't know how i'd phrase it so would probably end up making an excuse but yes I'd stop taking her kids.

Dear cf, Thanks for letting me know re party, completely understand that it's (her son's) choice who his friends are. You might remember that one of the reasons I agreed to do the lifts and some lunches was because the boys got on so well. Now that's not the case I think we should just go back to doing it ourselves. Hope party goes well and see you at nursery. Polly x

I don't think just because the children are carpool mates means anything else as far as any other activity. Carpool mates have no other obligation to each other outside of being carpool mates. (And that goes for sport teammates, neighborhood mates, dance class mates, etc.). Certainly, it's kind to be inclusive, but I don't see it as an obligation.

I wouldn't help her out anymore though because she sounds like a general all-purpose "taker" who is going to take you as far as you let her. Has she ever done anything for you?

I don't think just because the children are carpool mates means anything else as far as any other activity

I would agree with you Unscripted if they were in fact carpool mates. But the other Mum isn’t doing any lifts, the OP is doing them all as a favour plus other occasional child care.

I’ve done activity runs with a girl who wouldn’t invite my DD to her party (and vice versa) but both parents were taking turns.

This is a different situation. The OP is doing her a substantial favour.

I think I’d give her reasonable notice, but I’d bring the situation to an end.

But the OP agreed to drive the child in exchange for what? I'm guessing it was for nothing in return. So, now it's in exchange for something? Party invites? Anything to be named later? The other woman is a taker and the massive favor was never going to be reciprocated.

The arrangement needs to end. It's the type of thing that was sure to go wrong the moment the OP agreed to do it.

“Hi, we are upset to hear that your son feels uncomfortable with DS. Naturally we will stop giving lifts to and from school as this is the case; I’m sure you’ll find someone he feels more comfortable travelling with”