Taking friend's sons to school as a favour.

[Polly7]

As a favour to a friend whose sons attend the same nursery as my 2 sons . I agreed to take her sons to and fro to school and back. (I'm going anyway, so it's no biggie). However her eldest son has declined to invite my eldest son to his birthday party, her reason-" it's up to my son who he invites to his birthday party)! "I didn't want to get into a paid type of arrangement. I know that she's short of cash, so her job is vital. Her husband doesn't lift a finger to help her with her sons. I'm quite pissed off, and on the point of telling her that my eldest son doesn't want her son to accompany us to school! My husband and 2 close friends have said that I should tell her that our "arrangement" is terminated-she has taken advantage quite frequently re her kids staying for lunch with us,and what not! Any advice?

There's a huge difference of helping someone short term for a short term problem

This family are in a long term problem - they have no childcare and can't afford childcare so are relying on one person doing them a daily favour. And yes it isn't a pain haveing other people's kids when you are trying to get ready in the morning!

One off occasionally no problem - everyday is another thing entirely

I think the problem is the responsibility. Mornings and school runs are hard enough anyway.

It’s a simple age old adage which still runs true today....

‘Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!’

In other words, if someone is helping you out on a daily basis and you are depending on them, use every opportunity you can find to show that you appreciate what they are doing for you and your children. Your child should have been first on that birthday invitation list.

As others have stated, simply advise her that you’ve asked your children who they would like to travel in the car with them and sadly they decided on some other children so we’re gong to have to to ask yiu to make your own arrangements form Monday next week. Hope the party goes well.

It's a shame that in the middle of this thread there were a number of unkind posts to OP, many of whom hadnt RTFT or were picking up on minor things, telling OP to be kinder when it was OBVIOUS she'd been doing a huge favour for 2 years and other kind things too, and had merely started to get fed up. I doubt any of those selected PPs criticizing OP on here were collecting & taking their friends children to and from childcare every weekday without thanks. Or do half such a favour for their friends, not even a close one at that!! And it wasn't reciprocated in any way.

Anyway, the sad thing is that because of all the criticism -even after OP said it had been resolved in a friendly way probably 2 or 3 pages in!- it resulted in OP having to stand up for herself (& correct where pp had misread) and eventually notming back to thread. We haven't had any updates since as y'all meanies scared her off!!

Sometimes I put my head in my hands when MN's threads go like this one has.

Although the recent awing back to 'supportive of OP posts' which are more balanced, have been nice to read.

Update on the situation, primarily for the people who showed empathy to my friend's situation. Friend's hubby has attended 2 sessions with a Psych, who also runs a support group for adult adoptees, F's hubby is feeling a lot better! His parents have agreed to pay for the house F&H are renovating to be made structurally safe, and install a kitchen so they have somewhere to cook etc. The bloody mobile home has been towed away! F knows I posted on MN, she was upset initially, but tbh I'd just about had it with her problems! Our mutual friend group is trying to persuade her not to have child#3 next year. Hopefully F will get back into teaching full time next year, employ a mother's help/ au pair, and get a bit of a life!. F's H is already being more proactive with their 2 sons. So it's all good so far!

I would not be happy if someone other then family told me not to have another child. That is such a personal matter and you sound like your way over involve in this woman's life.

That may be so! She asked us, (as her oldest friends, we were all at School and Uni together). What should she do, have another child next year,or delay it!?We all said- "delay until you're feeling more settled." F has decided to wait a while.

Hi Polly7

It's clear that you're such a close friend to your other friend. You've been so helpful, obvs rest is up to her, whatever decisions she makes. But, it doesn't seem to me that you've been anything other than supportive. And that your F may not have initially appreciated how much help you were doing that propped her family up, but she has now.

Remember , it's your friends family and not yours, you can and should step back soon.

I used to do school run lifts for the same reason as you (I’m going that way already), I had a arrangement whereby the other Mum would do 2 of the 10 per week, I’d do the other 8. Well, she kept cancelling last minute saying she had to go shopping after school on the one day she was to give my two a lift home. So basically she was taking the piss out of my good nature. I was glad to move House so I didn’t have to tell her to take her own kid to school...no advice really, just sympathy that people are piss takers! I wouldn’t ever have this arrangement again.

Agree 100% "whereismimhiding". Sadly F's family and her H's family are useless, they promise much, but deliver little. Both families have watched her struggling for the last 3 years. Excuse being- she's never asked us for help!!! Don't they have eyes. ears, compassion?? Her MiL is an avowed child disliker, she claims to like her own 2 children, as for her grandchildren- she's very hands off! My F asked me to babysit so she could do some Christmas shopping 2017. I couldn't do it as my own mother was very ill, and I along with my sibs was supporting her, hospital visiting etc.. F burst into tears-" I have nobody else to ask!" Advised her to buy Christmas gifts online.Don't know if my F is a piss-taker/ user, or an overstretched, stressed out woman. the latter I hope!

Sorry but I think she is a pis taker.

I think she selfish, and piss taker.

She needs to put her family she has now first.

Get a full time job with proper childcare in place.
Get the house into a liveable state for her children.
Support her husband in getting well, so they can both be in a better place going forward.

Not having another baby because she wants one, now and probably for at least the next 2/3 years is not the time to have another child. It going to take a least that long to get to being in a stable place for the family she has now.

You will never do enough for the this friend and her dramas and as soon as you are no longer any use to her she will drop you. I second she’s a piss taker

She burst into tears because she couldn’t have you babysit to go shopping, at a time when your Mum was seriously ill in hospital?!

She needs some perspective on the causes of her own problems.

You need to stop helping her.