Taking friend's sons to school as a favour.

[Polly7]

As a favour to a friend whose sons attend the same nursery as my 2 sons . I agreed to take her sons to and fro to school and back. (I'm going anyway, so it's no biggie). However her eldest son has declined to invite my eldest son to his birthday party, her reason-" it's up to my son who he invites to his birthday party)! "I didn't want to get into a paid type of arrangement. I know that she's short of cash, so her job is vital. Her husband doesn't lift a finger to help her with her sons. I'm quite pissed off, and on the point of telling her that my eldest son doesn't want her son to accompany us to school! My husband and 2 close friends have said that I should tell her that our "arrangement" is terminated-she has taken advantage quite frequently re her kids staying for lunch with us,and what not! Any advice?

Re the Spode teacup OP, do you mean you never actually got anything as a gift, despite her asking for ideas?
Confusing

As pp pointed out, she is simply a user. Slagging you off to a mutual friend about 'letting her down' when you had genuine reasons (dentist etc) would have ended it for me though. Been there, done that. People like this see nothing wrong taking advantage of others good nature.
If I were you I wouldnt bother with 1 weeks notice, I would text something this morning short and sweet, 'wont be able to provide lifts from now on, take care' and leave it. She obviously managed when you 'let her down', she and her dh can sort it out between themselves from now on, and if the other mums scatter when she appears it looks like they know exactly how she is and they refuse to be taken advantage of. Stand up for yourself, op, she is taking the piss.

OK I have now googled spode teacups and came up with £13 each...

Well you've got expensive taste! Godiva's not Dairy Milk, is it?

Desperate to know what's wrong with a tea cup! Are you suggesting she should spend more? Why would others in the playground avoid her due to that conversation?

Motherofdragons, op said other mums scatter when this mum appears so looks like she may have taken the piss with others previously.

The op said that now the other mums scatter when she appears. It’s certainly worded as if the conversation about teacups (!) is the trigger

A couple of best friends for tea in your building project home on your fifth birthday is not the same as a party where one more or less doesn't matter. You still don't have to do lifts if you don't want to though.

Telling someone with no cash that Spode or chanel are suitable gifts would be a bit mean girls where I come from.

Don;t mention the kids - you don;t know the party circs, she may have told her sod he can only invite five kids and he has five better friends than your ds. That's OK in the general scheme of things, her telling you so bluntly (she could have worded it nicely as in 'we really couldn't manage a big party so I told him just to have a few guests. But it would be great if your ds could come for tea on X day).
Not fair to involve kids in a adults dispute.

Essentially she's been taking you for granted and her rudeness indicates that she thinks she can say or do whatever she likes, you'll be there to pick up her slack.

I'd just message her 'Hi Rudemum, just letting you know that as from Xdate, I won't be able to pick up your DSs as it is no longer convenient for me. Best wishes Polly.

And don't act as her unpaid child care any more. You don't have to exxplain if she want's you to have her kids over for lunch or whatever just 'no sorry, it's not convenient'

Oh God - LOL at my freudian typo in first line

Just reread that Kurri 😂

Make sure you get your Spode teacup first, op...

Still confused as to why op assumes that this has caused the entire schoolgate gang to shun this woman, tbh. Sounds like complete nonsense.
Just like hinting for Chanel No. 5 and Spode teasets.
There’s a pair of you on it, clearly.

in it

Always a nightmare when you get into this type of situation with school mums. I had one have the cheek to ask me to help with childcare as I was going on maternity leave. Did it twice and said no as they were taking the piss. I was asked to pick up there DD when they knew my own DD was at a school club and so I had to go to the school twice. I had another trying to get me to take her DS for the whole day on a Saturday as she was off to her mums 70th birthday party. Eh I work full time and I am busy with my children so no..and he was a vicious wee shite and my DS didn’t like him.. she had her DS being collected and dropped off by many of the school mums and they stopped too and started turning their back on her when she turned up as she always asked. Once you start it becomes expected. Just say the situation where she said you had let her down has made you realise that she views you as her childcare and that is not a position you want to be placed in and therefore to prevent any unnceaaary frustration the arrrangement will be stopping. Your not her employee so you don’t need to give bloody notice!

So she may have asked her son to choose a couple of friends to keep costs down

How on earth is it a snub if only a couple of kids are invited

I'm not sure why you're all hung up on the expense of a gift and implying OP has an expensive taste and is wanting an expensive gift.

OP clearly stated the rude mother had asked OP's BF what did she like as was thinking of getting her a thankyou gift. It was OP's BF that said Spode / Chanel No.5 / Godiva chocolates.

Confused over the Christmas present comment too shows she is greatful and trying to find something you like and out of the options
Channel no 5 £55 who spends that on friends?
Teacups are £13-20 depending on style I know nothing about China
And the chocolate goes from £3 a bar to £150 for a hamper.

I don't see what's wrong with what she picked??

I'm guessing the comments about everyone avoiding her is unrelated to the Christmas present just more information on the situation?

@PaleRider1 I asked because I don't see why the OP even mentioned the enquiry about the gift. Or why the fact the other woman decided on a teacup warranted an "!" as if that was somehow ridiculous.

Her son gets to decide even if it means excluding a child? She as the adult should have the ultimate say and she must know how this would come across to you.

The point is that 4/5 year olds haven't had much experience of being party hosts, although they may be quite experienced party guests. So when your mum asks who would you like to come to your party you probably rattle off a few names off the top of your head to keep her happy so you can get back to your Lego.

Mums on the other hand are probably a bit more savvy about the social aspects of being a host, so know that you should invite the children whose parent is doing you a huge favour and saving you thousands in childminder fees because it is what you do to keep the wheels of social friendships turning.

So cf mummy has chosen to snub OP.

Op is quite right to feel hurt and upset, and quite within reason to stop the kind arrangement she has made that makes cf mummy's life a lot easier.

The only thing OP has to consider is the length of notice she is going to put on ending the arrangement.

I think two weeks is fair.

Hi cf mummy, just to let you know that I won't be able to do the nursery drop off and pick up for you after xx October. I am letting you know in plenty of time so you can make other arrangements for the boys.

She's a fool - to keep good relations with somebody doing her a massive favour so she can work the very least she can do is invite a 5 year old to the sons party - absolutely shockingly CFery - it wouldn't cost her anything particularly to include him much the same as it doesn't cost you any more money to drop them to school but you still do it and it helps them out

I'd be inclined to tell her that your good will only lasts as long as her decent behaviour, telling people ive 'let you down' is unacceptable and you c and even be bothered to do the decent thing and invite a 5 year old to a birthday party - I'd tell her to find some other mug she can butch about and treat as the paid staff rather than the friend you've been to her

Cheeky bloody cow

Children can choose who they want to invite to a party but parents will often invite a child for adult friendship reasons or other reasons, like reciprocating favours.
A week's notice is more than enough for that CF I think.

I wouldn't give her any notice, its not your problem. Tell her you wont be doing it from tomorrow.Its not a paid arrangement you owe her nothing.

Of course, she's perfectly entitled to let her son choose his party guests, presumably without being steered by a parent. silly woman.
But she is about to find out that actions have consequences.

I agree with all the others - at age 5, I'd expect your DS to be invited to the party as a courtesy. She's a user / taker so quit the arrangement ASAP.