Taking friend's sons to school as a favour.

[Polly7]

As a favour to a friend whose sons attend the same nursery as my 2 sons . I agreed to take her sons to and fro to school and back. (I'm going anyway, so it's no biggie). However her eldest son has declined to invite my eldest son to his birthday party, her reason-" it's up to my son who he invites to his birthday party)! "I didn't want to get into a paid type of arrangement. I know that she's short of cash, so her job is vital. Her husband doesn't lift a finger to help her with her sons. I'm quite pissed off, and on the point of telling her that my eldest son doesn't want her son to accompany us to school! My husband and 2 close friends have said that I should tell her that our "arrangement" is terminated-she has taken advantage quite frequently re her kids staying for lunch with us,and what not! Any advice?

Woah!! This is out of hand!

All your kids are nursery age and you’re getting this wound up already? Easy tiger! Pace yourself or you’ll never manage primary school let alone secondary and teenagers!

The kid is 5 and clearly has invited his best friends, he hasn’t stopped to think about the wider political side of all of this, because he’s a pre-schooler.

Agreed his mum has dropped a ball here, and should have reserved a place in the party for your ds, but taking nuclear action like this over a kids invitation is bonkers.

Your ds is unlikely to register/give a shit, and that’s 100% within your job description to manage

“As lovely as it would be to be invited to everything, sometimes it doesn’t happen, but that’s ok”

Or you very slickly arrange for you and your kids to do something else and then technically you’re ‘busy’ doing something funner

Don’t be a bitch about this, don’t do the passive aggressive crap with poncy guilt tripping texts messages, just accept it for what it is - an oversight - and move on.

I don't think it's an oversight. I think it's rather mean and thoughtless, and shows exactly where you are in this woman's list of priorities. Which is fine, but she can't really complain if you demote her in your list of people you want to do favours for. And boy, have you been doing her a massive favour so far!!

I’ve just seen the catastrophically awful exchange about Christmas presents

You (all) know she’s skint, and under pressure due to useless H and your friend effectively rubs her face in it by coming out with the Spode, Godiva, Chanel crap?

The “I’ll get her a teacup” is actually saying wtf, I have nowhere near that kind of budget and you’re judging her on it?

Wow.

Cop yourselves on. Not everyone has it as easy as you do.

It never occurred to you that telling her we th only a days notice of a dentist appointment that possibly has been in the diary for monthly might have thrown her a curve ball?

Yeah she is holding it together with a great deal of help from you (it is only a lift tho...) but when you’re under as much pressure as she is, there is no room for any hiccough

There have been phases in my life when a burst tyre would have brought the whole thing crashing about my ears. Life as precarious as that is awful.

If you don’t want to help her out, then don’t. After the Christmas present convo I doubt she’d feel welcome in your life anyway

Hissy, RTFT properly. It wasn't the OP who had the teacup conversation.

Nor was it one day's notice about the dentist's appointment.

And if this woman's life is really running at such a precarious balance, it is her responsibility to nurture those people who are helping her out. And I don't mean by buying a bloody Spode teacup, but by inviting an extra child to a birthday party and not excusing the omission by saying it was up to the 5 year old.

She is happy for you to run her sons to school and feed them lunch but doesn't invite your DS to a party because it's up to her son who he invites. That's incredibly rude. As her DS is not friendly to yours, I would stop the lifts now. Tell her it's not convenient and leave it at that. She's shown who she is and her problems are not yours. Don't engage with her any further.

Hissy this women's life maybe failing apart and obviously we would all hope to have our friends and family supporting us and helping if we were in that situation.

However friendship is a 2 way street even when you are struggling. The op committed to help her friend out. We all see that the mum in this situation probably isn't in a position to help but moaning about the op when she can't help and dismissing her son Aren't great ways of repaying that friendship.

I agree about the Christmas present thing though suggesting expensive presents to someone who is struggling was a thoughtless of the mutual friend

She sounds like a user. I would definitely stop the arrangement if she never returns any favours.

I don't get what's wrong about her getting you a Spode tea cup though.

I don't get the teacup thing either, to be honest, but the rest of it is out-of-line.

Hissy even if the OP did give short notice for the dental appointment to the CF, it's inexcusable of CF to then moan about being "let down" to a mutual friend.
I also don't see how the OP is at fault re the Christmas present suggestions; it wasn't OP that made those suggestions.
The OP is actually doing a really kind thing: taking & collecting the CF's DC to school; CF seems to have forgotten her manners ( if she ever had any).

what did OP do .....

The woman is a user. They have taken on a big house, with accompanying big costs, and expect you to help make this possible by providing free child care. Sod that for a game of soldiers. No one should depend on others to sort their child care for them unless they are prepared to pay for it. Most of us have encountered cf's like this woman in our time and most of us have learned there comes a point where you have to break the pattern.

How does your son feel about not being invited to the party? Is he upset?

I do think she is taking advantage. In any case she is not being grateful, graceful or appreciative in any way.

What message did you send her OP? Just remember that you're not staff, this is not paid childcare, you don't have to give her notice. I'm reminding you of that, just incase she puts in any digs when you pick up/ drop off this last week. You can say, no it doesn't suit at any point.
I too think the party but was a bit off, but it's more that she sees you as staff & your DC as unimportant.

IME one way only big favours, outside of families, unless they're flowers and chocolates each week, often go wrong. They work really only when it's a mutual benefit, as it shows ppl are respecting each other.'s time and help. She's not. So you're better off stepping out of it now and quickly.

Sorry, sleepy texting!
I meant ... 'IME these "one-way-only-big favours" often don't work for long, outside of families, unless they're accompanied by receiver-of-favour giving flowers / chocolates each week or two, etc. and ensuring they always come accross as grateful. '

She sounds very ungrateful .

How did it go op? Have you text her yet?

Thanks for all the thoughts! From the get go, I stipulated that I would help her out by taking her 2 boys to and fro to school. In no way was it a contract of any kind. There would be no exchange of cash between us! I also told her that if fir any reason we weren't going to school I would give her as much notice as possible , so we had a verbal agreement in place. She stated that her husband would be cover any days I couldn't go to school. Last Christmas she asked my BF for ideas as to what I'd like as a present/ thank you gift. My friend said that I collected Spode (I don't). Liked Godiva chocs (I do as a treat). And Chanel #5 (Occasionally).. Later that day my BF contacted me and told the gifts she had suggested, BF said it in mischievous way. Tbh I wasn't bothered a box of Quality Street would have been fine. I wasn't helping her out for pecuniary gain in any way! Or, for Birthday invitations to her kid's parties. I texted the mother I've been helping out and gave her a week's notice commencing today +backed it up with a mail yesterday morning. I also called around to her house yesterday afternoon. As per usual useless husband was reclining on the sofa watching telly. She was working through a HUGE pile of ironing. She told me that she's accepted a full time teaching contract from January 2019. So I said to her-" You need a full time nanny/ Mother's help." She agreed, and said that in the future deadbeat dad would be taking their sons to school and back! We had an amicable conversation. The school does do before and after school care but it's £££ss. No mention was made of my text or mail?! The family used to live in our neighbourhood, before moving into a mobile home in the garden of the house they're renovating. She had a reputation locally for asking for favours, and rarely reciprocating. As for her eldest son's Birthday party, that was explained away by the fact that her MiL would be there, and wasn't particularly child friendly so the party consisted of her DS#1 + 2 friends. My eldest son wasn't that bothered, we went swimming instead. I've learnt my lesson 1-set boundaries from the get-go. 2- zero reciprocation-freebies cease. 3 - make it absolutely clear that helping out is exactly that! And must not be misconstrued as a contract in any way! She also stated that they were planning to have baby#3 next year. We parted amicably, so once again many thanks for the thoughts and advice!

That’s a great outcome all round, op. I’d be having words with your mischievous friend, though. That was a fairly crappy bit of shit stirring? Daft woman.

Your best friend sounds like a bitch.

Just accepted a full time teaching post and planning baby number 3 next year! I bet she has the date she can claim teachers maternity benefits marked in her diary with a big circle!

Hmm BF was stirring, however in her defence she'd been taken advantage of as well by supply teacher mum, so maybe it was schadenfreude for her? Might have "friendly words" with BF this week. Feel that I've had a lucky escape! Not had too many "told you sos". Yep that'll be the plan, baby #3 will arrive to sync with teachers maternity benefits.

I just be careful as she is being so nice about it.Maybe she has plans for you.

So you were happy helping her out, doesn’t sound like she was taking advantage but you’d spite her just because her son declined to invite yours to a party. That’s crazy!! Unless your son was the only one in the class to have been missed off. Honestly you’re in for a shock once they hit primary. It’s a mine field and of course children should invite their best friends and not just the kids their mum knows the mum.