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Original poster

Taking friend's sons to school as a favour.

240 replies

Polly7 · 22/09/2018 12:21

As a favour to a friend whose sons attend the same nursery as my 2 sons . I agreed to take her sons to and fro to school and back. (I'm going anyway, so it's no biggie). However her eldest son has declined to invite my eldest son to his birthday party, her reason-" it's up to my son who he invites to his birthday party)! "I didn't want to get into a paid type of arrangement. I know that she's short of cash, so her job is vital. Her husband doesn't lift a finger to help her with her sons. I'm quite pissed off, and on the point of telling her that my eldest son doesn't want her son to accompany us to school! My husband and 2 close friends have said that I should tell her that our "arrangement" is terminated-she has taken advantage quite frequently re her kids staying for lunch with us,and what not! Any advice?

OP posts:

Rudgie47 · 22/09/2018 18:18

Shes a user OP, its only basic manners to invite both your children I think. You are doing her a big favour. It would cost her a fair bit in childcare.
Just tell her now you wont be taking her children to and from school again and she will have to make other arrangements.

BackInTheRoom · 22/09/2018 18:27

Can you imagine how hurt the OP's little boy is going to feel when he has to share the car journey with the kid that didn't invite him? It's good form to reciprocate when someone does you a favour.

another20 · 22/09/2018 18:45

tamzinro - I understood that all the children were at nursery? If so, the older one would be 3 years old, just about to celebrate his 4th birthday.

TuckMyWin · 22/09/2018 18:47

3/4 year olds should not be handed the decision about who to invite to their parties. It'd change on a daily basis ffs. And it's basic manners to invite children you see regularly, whether or not they are particularly 'best' friends.

OhCobblers · 22/09/2018 18:54

cauliflowersqueeze has got it spot on!! Go with that.

I’m all for doing emergency school / nursery runs but that’s it - I’ve read far too many CF threads on MN for it to ever be more than that - too many pisstakers about!

eddielizzard · 22/09/2018 20:05

I also like CauliflowerSqueezes's response. Dignified and puts the point across well without being rude.

Cawfee · 22/09/2018 20:42

Your friend isn’t a friend, she’s a user. The very least she could do as a return for the favour is to extend a social invite to the party. That’s basic manners. A 3 year old doesn’t compile a party list. She’s slapping you in the face. Do not stand for this. Text her tonight “thanks for the info about the party. I totally understand that your son doesn’t want to include mine. No problem. I hope you understand back that I can therefore no longer provide your son with a lift to nursery every day. It no longer makes sense for me to do it as they aren’t friends. All the best”
I’d be fuming if I was you.

Original poster

Polly7 · 23/09/2018 00:30

Thank you all++++. I knew that she was basically skint, and struggled to pay for her sons Nursery fees, her and her deadbeat husband are doing up a huge almost derelict house. She hinted to me that if she could do a few days of supply teaching it would make all the difference to her family. Our sons are aged 5 and 3. My eldest son and her eldest son are in the same class, we arranged playdates for all 4 on a turn basis, before she went job hunting The boys all get along fine! I think it may be that the School rules that if any pupil has a birthday party then every child in that class is invited-class size averages 15 kids per class. So she may have asked her son to choose a couple of friends to keep costs down. The cruncher came a few weeks ago when I called her to say that we wouldn't be going to school the day after next-dentist and whatnot. She made the mistake of telling a mutual friend that I had let her down! Going to take the general opinion and give her one weeks notice- NO more freebies! She also asked my closest friend what did she think I would like for Christmas,-present and thank you! My BF replied-she collects Spode, likes Godiva choccies andChanel#5. Reply-"I'll buy her a Spode teacup !" Sad thing is now all the other mums scatter when she appears!

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 23/09/2018 01:10

She's a BORN taker OP.... stop the lifts

Havaina · 23/09/2018 07:28

A week's notice is a good idea. Well done for not being a mug.

(Is a Spode tea cup poor form? Was it without a saucer?

HereIgoagainxx · 23/09/2018 07:38

I think it depends on the delivery. If she was in anyway sympathetic I may understand her reasoning, after all it is her child's party. However, if she said it as bluntly as described then she's incredibly rude and I'd go with **cauliflowersqueeze's reply, which is perfection

WipsGlitter · 23/09/2018 07:55

I kind of agree that you can't make the kids be friends.

What's wrong with a Spode teacup?

Pinkprincess1978 · 23/09/2018 07:56

It's not her ds choice to be given a lift by you and therefore expected to be friends with your dc. Therefore I can't get worked up over him not inviting your kid.

How big is the party? If it's a massive church hall affair then fair enough the Mum could add your kids to the list. If it's a small number to soft play/bowling etc then kid should be able to invite who he wants. What happens if by inviting your dc this stores up all kinds of problems with his real friends because he can't invite one of them?

PhilomenaButterfly · 23/09/2018 07:59

I always let my DC choose who they invite to their parties. It's their party!

dustarr73 · 23/09/2018 08:33

I think the party is the straw that broke the camels back.

You're getting niggles because you know shes a user.

Plus the few days supply teaching ,is her way of getting you to mind the kids for her.

I think just text her its not working g.Dont mention the party.

subspace · 23/09/2018 08:44

How does your son actually feel about things? If he's not upset, don't make it about him, just text to.say the arrangement doesn't suit you any more and give her a few days notice that she'll need to make other arrangements. Does the nursery do wrap around care?

If ds IS upset. I think this replyvfrom upthread is very well worded:

Dear cf, Thanks for letting me know re party, completely understand that it's (her son's) choice who his friends are. You might remember that one of the reasons I agreed to do the lifts and some lunches was because the boys got on so well. Now that's not the case I think we should just go back to doing it ourselves. Hope party goes well and see you at nursery. Polly x

iMatter · 23/09/2018 08:47

I think you are doing the right thing but be prepared for a backlash from her - probably slagging you off to everyone who'll listen.

Good luck.

subspace · 23/09/2018 08:50

I will also join the list of people not sure what's wrong with a spode teacup 😀

picklepost · 23/09/2018 08:58

Oh god please don't send any of those awful passive aggressive texts suggested below. So twattish.

Just tell her you are not doing the drop offs any more. You don't need to bring the children's party into it.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 23/09/2018 09:11

I'd leave it a week or so, so it's not seen to be directly related to the party, and then say you are not doing it any more.
Or
If you are going to do it now I'd go with
I would say that I'm unable to do the school run anymore and that I understand it's down to her son who he invites, but I know she'll understand I don't want my son in situation where he feels excluded

Santaclarita · 23/09/2018 09:14

Just tell her that things have changed at home and you're no longer able to pick her kids up. No more than that.

Other people are avoiding her now, she'll maybe get the hint, but she sounds like an idiot so doubtful.

Shelby2010 · 23/09/2018 09:31

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like her DS is having a big party, more like 2 or 3 friends to tea? In which case it’s not really a snub to your DS.

Doesn’t mean she’s not a cf though. Maybe start asking her for babysitting or childcare favours. See what response you get.

MaggieFS · 23/09/2018 09:56

Also wondering what's wrong with a Spode teacup if you collect Spode? Misses the point and knows nothing about Spode

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/09/2018 10:00

I’ve googled Spode teacups to see what I was missing . They retail from £45ish?
Were you expecting an entire dinner service, op?!

rageymcrageface · 23/09/2018 10:07

I googled Spode. What's your point about that? You know she's skint. Were you expecting Chanel no. 5 instead?

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