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Original poster

Taking friend's sons to school as a favour.

240 replies

Polly7 · 22/09/2018 12:21

As a favour to a friend whose sons attend the same nursery as my 2 sons . I agreed to take her sons to and fro to school and back. (I'm going anyway, so it's no biggie). However her eldest son has declined to invite my eldest son to his birthday party, her reason-" it's up to my son who he invites to his birthday party)! "I didn't want to get into a paid type of arrangement. I know that she's short of cash, so her job is vital. Her husband doesn't lift a finger to help her with her sons. I'm quite pissed off, and on the point of telling her that my eldest son doesn't want her son to accompany us to school! My husband and 2 close friends have said that I should tell her that our "arrangement" is terminated-she has taken advantage quite frequently re her kids staying for lunch with us,and what not! Any advice?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 27/09/2018 09:13

I’d say cheerily “I’m so relieved you said that! DS has been saying for a while that he doesn’t want your DS to come with us but I didn't want to hurt your feeling! I’m glad to hear we’re on the same page!”

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 27/09/2018 09:17

Ooops! There was more of a thread than I realised. As you were.

endofthelinefinally · 27/09/2018 09:36

I entered a shared lift arrangement suggested by a "friend". She absolutely took advantage and used me. She did it gradually so that I actually doubted myself until it became really obvious that I was doing way more than my fair share. It caused me a lot of stress and was difficult for my DC as well.
It was years ago, but it still hurts that someone I thought was a friend treated me and my DC with such contempt.

MadameButterface · 27/09/2018 10:43

agree completely with @Hissy and @DastardlyDoris

I wonder if the info that this woman had said op 'let her down' re the dentist appointment also came from the shit stirring friend

I bet she is really looking forward to no longer being beholden to a snide judgmental hyacinth bucket wannabe tbh

threecee · 27/09/2018 10:49

Oh ! mumsnet is so we can "make judgements "I think some people need to get out more.

Whereismumhiding2 · 27/09/2018 11:05

I agree with @Haireverywhere, this thread has taken a nasty turn. Imo unneccesarily so, but then that's AIBU for you!

OP was doing an enormous favour. A consistent reliable huge favour. The friend and her DH had these DC and ought be able to take them to/from nursery school themselves. When she offered she didn't think the DH would be sitting around available & could help out. Or that she'd be used as free childcare, taken for granted and criticised when her own DC had an appmt meaning she couldn't do one of the drop offs. It sounds like she's been feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated.

The rest of it is context of what has led up to her feeling unappreciated. She's clearly said she's been supportive and doing other thoughtful stuff to help too - but feels on reflection that it's become too much a one way & unappreciated street. OP's thinking about how her DC might feel, given how unkindly CF phrased party thing initially.

She has every right to say it doesn't suit anymore and is better to do so now, before it goes wrong. Her DH and 2 friends think the same

She did it kindly and still is friendly with the CF friend/family.

No need for OP bashing when she's just been mulling things over. AIBU is about hearing other people's perspectives and that's been done now.

shearwater · 27/09/2018 11:21

Why is this thread still going? It was all amicably resolved on page 2. RTFT and move on.

gspm · 27/09/2018 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrMeSeeks · 27/09/2018 12:33

I feel for you friend and her dh.
M/h are not things to be laughed at, nor taken the mick or sneered at.

PollyFlinderz · 27/09/2018 17:02

By your own admission your BF gave her a list of expensive presents to buy for you, (one of which she went out and bought as a thank you), despite knowing the family is struggling for money. And then was "mischievously" telling you about it.

Horrible woman.

GreenTulips · 27/09/2018 17:19

despite knowing the family is struggling for money

Shouldn't be thinking of baby no 3 then should they?

Somersetlady · 27/09/2018 17:44

“despite knowing the family is struggling for money”

Shouldn't be thinking of baby no 3 then should they?

^^^
This in spades!

user187656748 · 27/09/2018 17:52

“despite knowing the family is struggling for money”

Shouldn't be thinking of baby no 3 then should they?

^
This in spades!

WTF?

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 27/09/2018 18:34

Yes, because situations don't change do they. Last Christmas is a very difference situation to planning for a baby in the future once the situation is a bit better. But don't let that get in your way.

willyloman · 27/09/2018 19:22

I'm sure she'll find another muggins amongst the parents of the children who are invited to the party. This person has no manners and does not value your friendship.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 27/09/2018 21:44

Amongst the parents of the all of 2 children invited to a birthday tea......

Haffiana · 27/09/2018 22:17

Poor people shouldn't have babies, eh?

GreenTulips · 27/09/2018 22:22

DH not pulling his weight
House needs doing up so living in a caravan
Begging favours for childcare so they can work

Not a great set up for another mouth to feed is it?

Nothing to do with being poor - plenty of poor families have support and a clean dry home.

Wdigin2this · 27/09/2018 23:28

You shouldn’t have agreed to this arrangement in the first place, it was bound to go bad! But now it has, just tell her that you won’t be able to take her DC to nursery any more, and she should make other plans! End of.

BlackType · 28/09/2018 09:02

I have RTFT, and the Other Mother is definitely not a CF. I think the OP was just hoping to start a good old CF thread, but has failed miserably.

Admittedly, my view may be slightly skewed by the OP thinking the Non-CF should send her husband's shirts out for laundering. That was, I think, one of the most offensive things I have ever read on here.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/09/2018 09:46

No if you cannot support your existing family, you shoukd not be adding to it. It's called taking responsibility. Anyway op, I woukd be a bit put out, maybe call time on the lifts, you call the shots, it's your car and you are doing the favour.

threecee · 28/09/2018 12:44

A £13 cup or chocolate were not expensive gifts (ok Chanel no 5 was,but was the friend joking ?) considering how much OP had saved for them by taking kids to nursery and back plus feeding them at times.

Bouledeneige · 28/09/2018 12:49

Gosh. What a thread. So much judgement of someone who is struggling to re-train and re-build a house and living in a caravan - I can't imagine that's easy with children at all. Without all the judgements of her husband and her choices having children etc. That's a really tough situation to be in. I went through a very difficult part of my life and the kindness of other people really mattered - I wont ever forget how much it meant to me.

I'd rather like to think that if people do others a favour its just that - a kindness with no expectation of a return favour. Good karma. That goes for lifts to school and arranging counselling sessions (what is that about?). For the lifts you said it wasn't a bother OP because you are going that way anyway. And I'm not surprised in their living circumstances at the moment that they chose to only invite a couple of children for his birthday. Isn't that fair enough?

And she was grateful because she asked about getting a present and its been (gratefully?) received. I think suggesting Chanel No5 is pretty outrageous! Really? What was your BF's motivation in that suggestion to someone clearly struggling at the moment. She went for the next most expensive option which presumably you like and are very happy with.

No she didn't say the right think if she said to your BF that you'd let her down. If she said that it was wrong of her.

But there's clearly a lot of women lining up to criticise her and her family and spreading the gossip about her. I'm glad you settled it amicably OP but be wary of joining in with a bullyish atmosphere of gossip about someone else. You never know when you might be in desperate need of other people's kindness. And dont get into this mode for primary school - it can make the playground pretty hellish for some Mums and their children who aren't 'approved of' by others.

olivia8888 · 28/09/2018 13:54

Hi, I think the main thing to consider is the implications any action or non action could have on your sons. Ask them how they feel about it and how they get on in school. Put yourself in their position, they may cringe if you terminate the agreement but on the other hand they may feel embarrassed and used just like you, Find out and let them know if they want it to stop you're OK with it and support them.

BlackType · 28/09/2018 19:23

olivia8888 Are you really saying the views of children aged 3 and 5 ought to be the defining things here? Have you RTFT?

I think Bouledeneige is right about doing good turns without any expectation of a reward. If everyone does nice, kind things for people, they may well go and do something nice and kind for someone else (just not necessarily for you, but that's fine).

If the OP were driving miles out of her way to do the other mother a favour, that would be one thing. But it's on her way. So what is the big deal?