Taking friend's sons to school as a favour.

[Polly7]

As a favour to a friend whose sons attend the same nursery as my 2 sons . I agreed to take her sons to and fro to school and back. (I'm going anyway, so it's no biggie). However her eldest son has declined to invite my eldest son to his birthday party, her reason-" it's up to my son who he invites to his birthday party)! "I didn't want to get into a paid type of arrangement. I know that she's short of cash, so her job is vital. Her husband doesn't lift a finger to help her with her sons. I'm quite pissed off, and on the point of telling her that my eldest son doesn't want her son to accompany us to school! My husband and 2 close friends have said that I should tell her that our "arrangement" is terminated-she has taken advantage quite frequently re her kids staying for lunch with us,and what not! Any advice?

That’s very true Unscripted it wasn’t a transactional arrangement but even so, if you do a favour for someone on a daily basis it’s pretty bad manners for them to snub your child in return.

Why do people who do favors mostly always accept favors back ? if her son doesn't want to invite yours then that's tough ! Don't make an argument out of that ! You can't force him to gage your child at the party just because you do them a favour ! That's mad !

If she gets back to you to beg for the lift or to say he does feel ok with your son just reply

“Let’s leave it, thanks”

It’s appalling manners, you’re totally right to feel pissed off, and her reason is basically that he doesn’t like your son. Fine. Hope the taxi works out for them.

I would say something along the lines of what 5LeafClover said. The mum seems like a freeloader and the boy appears mean so do yourself a favour and stop putting yourself out for them.

You are totally right to be pissed off. I would be as well. She absolutely does NOT appreciate the massive favour you are doing for her.

Why do people who do favors mostly always accept favors back ?

Because that’s how society works Taz.

She’s not asking for a favour back, she’s asking for a basic level of consideration for her son’s feelings.

Her son will have to share a car journey every day with someone he knows doesn’t like him. That’s not a small thing to a child.

@NonaGrey I do a lot of things for people because I want to help them and NEVER would expect anything back . if her son doesn't want their son at a party that's up to her son

....and if OP only wants her children to share all their school runs and some lunches with children who like them enough to have them at their party that's up to her.

I was in a similar situation until recently, I just texted to cancel. No apology, just information.
I'd been doing the favour for 8 months and although the children were happy, I wasn't as it was proving a bind and the other parent was quite rude. I decided to quit before I got annoyed, didn't feel the need to provide a reason, just stated that the arrangement was off.
Got no response then following week got a text asking me to resume the favour. Dear god. I just text back saying no.

I feel very happy at having quit the arrangement. I don't do favours to receive but an element of courtesy is required for it to work.

@tamzinto If this boy doesn’t want to invite the OP’s son, the Mum should have explained that he needs to be invited, since they’re kind and bring him to and from nursery each day. A child is never too young to be aware of the need for basic good manners. (Obviously if the OP’s child wasn’t being nice to this boy it would be a different story).

If I were the OP, I’d end the arrangement.

I do a lot of things for people because I want to help them and NEVER would expect anything back

Not even basic manners or consideration Tamz?

That’s nice of you but be careful you don’t end up being taken advantage of.

I also do lots for friends with out expecting anything in return it's part of friendship in my eyes.

But the op isn't expecting a favour in return in this case is she? She doesn't expect the other mum to look after her kids in return or anything of the sort because she thought they were all friends!

By not inviting her ds to the party the boy and his mum are showing that they are not friends and I don't do favours for random people and I don't think the op should either.

@NonaGrey taking advantage? Give me an example

So the 3 old is calling the shots?

You have done enough. If she has never reciprocated and feels justified that her 3 year old dictates and goes on to justify this - move on. She is also taking the piss by leaving them with for lunch. She has no boundaries and does not respect you.

Drop the arrangement and don't even bother explaining why - otherwise you will just offer a last minute invite and expect this to carry on for years......

I would stop the lifts immediately.

What have you decided to do, OP?

She’s an incredibly cheeky fucker! Just text to say you’re not giving lifts from Monday. Tough fucking shit.

Tamz a quick read of AIBU or relationship board will generally give you hundreds of examples.

If you do repeated daily favours for someone who isn’t polite to you, doesn’t consider your feelings or your children’s feelings, excludes you socially, never says thank you, never expresses their appreciation and never, ever offers to do anything for you in return, most people would consider that being taken advantage of.

There’s being nice, and there’s being a doormat. They aren’t the same thing. Your own self respect should demand that people treat you well.

Did the other Mum actually give you that explanation in person? “your ds is not coming to the party because my ds can choose who he likes and he hasn’t chosen yours”?
How did you respond?

Take your husbands and friends advice and tell her to piss off

@another20 I think she's talking about an older child not a 3 year old

yip.. another one who agrees with telling her to Piss Off

Well, this lady has just shown you how much she values your good will.

I have a similar arrangement - if the family we help (for no payment) excluded my daughter, I would cancel the arrangement. It's purely a favour, if it, in any way, negatively impacts on my children then I wouldn't continue. They aren't the best of buddies but get on fine. Equally, I will invite him to her party.

A friend had this. Kept taking CF's DD to ballet even though she lived in the wrong direction. When CF's daughter had a party she didn't invite my friend's DD as she 'didn't know her well enough'!!