He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

[Ellamorgan]

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

I’m so sorry 💐

Someone should help you with the advice and support.

Just a hug from me 🤗

Yes it happened to me. It has been extremely traumatic.

The OW eventually surfaced, (don't they always) and the story was rewritten (yawn).

Is there an OW?

Sorry OP but in this situation I’d assume there was another woman involved.

Good luck for the weeks ahead

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
I would be surprised if there isn't an OW.
I imagine that the inconsistency between what he tells (shouts at) you and what he tells the DCs is because he doesn't want to upset them.
I understand that you are confused and feel the need to ask why and demand answers, but will the answer change the outcome?
I wouldn't ask him if it's over. I wouldn't talk to him at all if he spoke with me like that. He's taking up space that can in future be used by someone decent. Good riddance and good luck to whoever is having him next.
I know it hurts but it will get better. Stay strong. Hug.

He told the children it was over before agreeing anything with you? What a shit. Before we even get to anything else.

And he can sleep on the fucking air bed. It's him who wants out.

He's checked our of the marriage. I'd be asking when he's filing for divorce. Or get it rolling yourself....He's more than likely been having an affair.

I'd invoke the 180 and accept your marriage is over.

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

Hi - I’d sleep in the bloody bed till he goes. He may not be able to make you sell the house - you do need legal advice. He’s being cruel. Is he definitely leaving? How are you kids coping. I hope you have stopped cooking and cleaning for him. When he goes out I’d be searching for bank statements wage slips and any other financial documents and get copies. I’d go on www.entitled to and see what benefits you maybe entitled too.
I hope you have some real life support. There maybe another woman in waiting. 🌺

He's a gas lighting cunt!
Don't let him throw his inadequacies at you.
You deserve better than an arsehole who throws bullshit at you, to try and justify his appalling behaviour.
for you OP, be kind to yourself, protect yourself and know this; you are better than him and you deserve better than him.

Thank you all for your replies, I have had my suspisions about OW waiting for him, he denies this of course.
It’s like he is having a mid-life crisis and checked out emotionally, he will switch moods from angry to crying for no reason to over the top sickly sweet.
My children have been amazing and are the only reason I’ve made it so far with some sanity intact!
I think I’ve realized his whole family are this way, I thought I had a good relationship with his Mum but in 9 weeks I have received one text offering any practical help I may require but must not once asking how we all are.
I have a 30 minute consultation with a solicitor next week as I want to know where I stand with the house but finances are the only thing he understands so it is the only way I can hurt him, he is due a large compensation claim pay out that has been on-going for the past 5 years but he is starting to hide the post he receives here, I have managed to photo copy some previous letters for the solicitor so at least we have a reference number.

Still now if he said let’s get marriage counselling I would agree, it’s sad but I can’t switch off the love, we’ve been together 15 years and married nearly 11.

Don’t get caught up in his emotional outbursts. This is his doing. You deserve an explanation but don’t beg for one. Assume he’s seeing somebody else and act accordingly. His behaviour is not ok and don’t tolerate it. Start standing up for yourself. Tell him he can go stay in a hotel unti he finds somewhere else to live. He wants out, he can get out. Don’t sleep on the air bed. You’re being too accommodating. That bed is now yours. Tell him you’ve booked a solicitor and if he won’t tell you the truth about the OW then you’ll be filing for divorce. You deserve better than this. Try and get sleep and keep remembering to drink water and eat. Keep your strength up

I think I would be packing his bags and telling him how it is. Over

If you've been married for 11 years and have two children you may not have to sell the house. I think you'll feel better after seeing your solicitor. You need to toughen up now even if you don't feel tough. Protect yourself and your dc financially. I guarantee he'll be living a new life with ow within months. He's not your friend or the man you thought he was. It's sad, but stop letting him have everything his own way, he won't like it but he'll respect you for it.

Kick him out of that bed.
The ow will show up soon enough, so you should start divorce proceedings.

I know I need to toughen up, I think I’ve been trying to keep the peace for the children for the past 9 weeks.

My children are so aware of his behavior and my daughter won’t let me sleep downstairs in the air bed she sets it up in her room as she doesn’t want me to be alone.
I know financially things are going to be difficult when he moves out, I work but earn around £1400 a month he earns nearly £4,000 a month so I am going to struggle, he has said that he will continue to pay the mortgage but wants me to take on everything else, it leaves me £100 a month for shopping and fuel so I know I’m going to struggle.
In June this year I received messages from a male to say my husband had sent inappropriate picture messages to his wife, I should have kicked him out then but he said he loved me so I thought things were moving forward. I just don’t undersatand how you can leave a marriage without ever saying it’s over or with no explanation, I can’t believe I’m worth so little that I don’t even deserve an explanation.

He’s given you an explanation, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Start the ball rolling and keep your head held high, there’s nothing left.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.
Have you put in a claim for universal credit as a single person? If you go to entitledto.com it will give you a rough idea of what you are entitled to. You should also get single person council tax.
Contact csa on line and put in exs earnings he may need to give you more than the mortgage.
I would also suggest that he sleeps on the sofa bed. Stay strong

You need to claim everything you're entitled to, certainly tax credits and a single person's reduction in council tax.

Calculate how much he should be paying in child maintenance.

If you still can't manage financially - and id suggest £100pm for shopping and fuel is not at all sustainable - you should consider selling the family home imo.

What other assets do you have, pensions and savings? Your solicitor will advise you but don't fall for 50/50 or his 'generous' offer to pay the mortgage. That will only last until he wants a mortgage of his own.

I just don’t undersatand how you can leave a marriage without ever saying it’s over or with no explanation

Because when questioned, he'd struggle to answer because of the OW
so he avoids it.

I can’t believe I’m worth so little that I don’t even deserve an explanation.

You'll come to realise that this was never about you, about your relationship. This is about him, about what he wants, about the sacrifices he's made for the marriage, kids, responsibilities. Now it's time to make himself happy and because the OW wants him, has offered him a starring role in their lurve story! Honestly it's ENTITLEMENT! Me me me! She's like a shiny new Porsche and you're like a family Estate, so she wins. He gets to relive his life with newness and being wanted, to reinvent himself. I could go on but you get the picture.

So please don't dwell on this point because it isn't what's going on and you might get stuck on this point, you are worth so much more and with the passage of time and healing from this shitstorm, you'll come to realise this and see through the bs and it'll click that you are amazeballs and didn't sell out to your bloody fantasies, you stayed and raised those kids on your own while Peter Pan shacked up with Wendy!

Two final points:

1. Try to remember that your H is not your friend now and his allegiances lay with the OW. I had a hard time understanding and believing this because of the length of time we'd been married and because of the shock so do not trust him.

2. Be mindful that if you're both using MN, he might see your posts and become privy to your moves regarding the Divorce proceedings.

I'm so sorry you're living this nightmare and remember, this isn't about you, that you're not worthy etc, this is about him and his happiness.

This is The Script
Be prepared.
But yes, he's cheating and yes, he's an asshole.
As others have said, he is not your friend.
Do you know how much the mortgage is?
Do you know how much maintenance he should pay?
If not then check HERE

So glad you have a solicitor appointment.
Take what you can.
Don't forget you are entitled to minimum half of everything.
Any assets, cars, ISA's, savings, current account monies, equity, his pension. So gather what info you can.
There's been a big thing on the news recently about women passing up the pension bit and being far worse off in later life.

Please consider kicking him out sooner.
And do NOT sleep on the air bed. He is cheating on you.
HE is leaving you. This is HIS doing and HIS choice. Why are you made to sleep on the air bed?
Fuck that. Tell him you are sorting YOUR room out and he's not allowed in it anymore.
Better still though, kick him to the curb.
And please ensure you aren't doing the 'pick me' dance.
Stop cooking for him, cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing.
He needs to learn that all of that is now HIS responsibility.

Toughen up or this will be far worse for you.
Do you have friends and family around you to help support you through this?
It's tough. And you need support.
Do NOT deny yourself that.
That was my biggest regret.
Keeping his dirty secret for so long.
So confide in others. Invite friends round for wine evenings or coffee etc.....

If he has to be there, then you try not to be.
Let him make the most of his final week with the DC.
You go out, visit people. Long walks, the gym, anything to keep away and let him handle the kids for now.

Good luck OP. It's the shittest time ever.
But it will and does get better.

From what I read, he did initially try to discuss it but you turned away and went for a walk.

However, look at the big picture- he's sent dirty pictures to someone else, he's told the children without you knowing, he's dictating what you have to live on. He's very selfish and cold. You can be 99% sure it's over. You only think you love him because it's a habit. Take back control- get advice. You will be entitled to a lot more than he's telling you. He's in for a shock, his moving on won't be quite as easy as he imagines if you stand up for yourself.

sorry for what happening to you but what a cunt your H is! I dont get how these people exist, it should be some gene which defects their brains
stay strong, find yourself a good lawyer and get everything from him whats possible.

Check if you are entitled to any benefits. Find out what maintenance he will have to pay. Make him sleep on the air bed this is his doing
Sorry you are going through this op do you know if he is still in contact with the ow he sent the picture to ?

Yes, totally agree with him sleeping on the air bed full time, you didn't decide on any of this..

Thank you for all your messages of support.
Lots of questions in my head to answer tag the moment. I know that H is still in contact with the women as thy work together so I’m pretty sure if it’s not her there will be another lined up.
Throughout this I have tried to not engage with the conflict and we have only had one conversation about this where he says the reason it is over is because I had to push him and say that I couldn’t wait from Friday to Sunday to hear what he had to say. I have asked him what could possibly be different and his excuse is that things may have been different!! When she shout you hate someone and tell them the last two and a half years are a lie I don’t see how two days would change that.
The more I see from him the more I realise how much control he has had throughout the years and continues to try and have.
I am accessing counselling weekly which allows me time to rant away from the kids safely. I will do a benefit check but I don’t think I’m entitled to anything, luckily I deal with cab through work so I have been given a slight heads up.
I am really worried for my children, his behavior with them has been odd and my son has said at the moment he doesn’t feel like his dad likes him and feels that his sister is favored, I have addressed this with my stBX H but he then just tries to buy the children with lavish gifts. I really hope I can find my strength when he goes as I don’t feel I can relax at all at home at the moment, I am planning on re organising the bedroom when he leaves to make it my space.
Hind sight is a wonderful thing, I am not sure how I missed how controlling his behavior has been for the past 15 years but I just want this over now x

I think a lot of the stress will go when he leaves. Changing things round will help, but get organised with a solicitor and financial advice to firm up your position and put your mind at rest. He might have had control for the past, but this is where he loses it and you take the reins..