He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

[Ellamorgan]

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

He's 100% with OW. He gets the air bed and the sooner he fucks off the better.

Tell him as it’s his decison to leave he gets the air bed.

Just when I think it cannot get worse!
The children come home from school and planned to go to my mums tonight, they started to call me lots while I was still at work which is unusual. So my H has said to them that he is off to a friends for a drink tonight so he is going to stay out for the night aside easier. I pop home as planned after work and decided with no children here I couldn’t hold back.
I told my husband that if he wants to go and get drunk and pull another woman he is not welcome back to this house ever again, I told him that he is behaving like a dick and as he is leaving in a week without explanation then maybe he shouldn’t come back at all!
Whilst feeling rather brave I told him that he has become the one person he never wanted to be, he has become his dad, cheating on his wife and destroying his family, I felt slightly better after this but now, knowing he’s out drinking probably with OW I feel rubbish

I can’t even begin to imagine how you are at the moment. It must be truly dreadful having your life unravel around you by the man you thought would be your future. Stay strong

Oh ella how awful. If he's moving out in a week then why can't he wait that long, rather than rubbing your nose in it? Do you think he didn't want to be home alone with you, as dc were going out? Maybe he's avoiding answering any questions or having to talk about things.

I'm glad you're feeling some anger though. I don't think I'd be allowing him to have everything on his terms. What did he say when you told him to go now?

men don’t leave the family unless they have someone else to go to waiting for them in the wings. He will rewrite history OP and give you a version of how miserable he has been, but this is only to justify what he’s about to do. He will convince himself that you’ve both been in a miserable marriage for a long time, because this is the only way he can excuse his behaviour to family and friends. Whilst you might not want to lose him, in time you will understand that he behaved like a twat and the man you once knew and trusted will become a stranger to you. Don’t underestimate him - he will not behave morally in respect of your finances or your children. Be strong and be prepared for whatever he throws at you.

MyH seems to think he’s had conversations with me about our relationship and that I have never listened. It’s awful, all I want is for him to tell me it’s over. It’s like he just wants to prolong the pain I feel, he told our children 5 weeks ago that he doesn’t love me anymore, hasnt told me, then he told our son 4 days ago that he still loves me he just can’t live with me. When he says goodnight to the children he will call up to them as he walks away and says he loves them then says I love you all!! The kids keep asking me why is he saying that when he has said he doesn’t love you any more Mum? I can’t answer that as I just don’t know.
I’m dreading him coming back today especially if he has a hangover as last time he just cried most of the day at the children. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’m out by the time he comes home x

He is being a self pitying twat by saying that to your DC. It’s like he is looking for them to feel sorry for him. What a dreadful man for bringing your DC into this. I would be having stern words about that alone never mind him choosing to leave.

I’m so sorry OP. This is so, so difficult.

This ‘I love you’ ‘I hate you’ business is typical of someone who has got himself into a bloody mess. Part of him will want to stay and be the good family man, especially given what you say about his own father. The other part of him is angry and unhappy with life (and himself) and is looking to blame you for it.

He is lashing out at you OP because he is angry and in a mess. He doesn’t know what he wants. It is so easy in this situation to be at the mercy of his whims. Think about what you want and don’t let yourself be at the mercy of his decisions because he will be all over the place.

The OW may not actually want him either. He could end up alone and with nothing. His fault. He has created a mess.

Decide what you want. No need for knee-jerk reactions here. Take your time. Don’t let him press you into making a decision. It’s his mess. He has to own it. You are not responsible for him

"It’s awful, all I want is for him to tell me it’s over."

But surely actions speak louder than words. He's going on a week, it's clearly over. He's just sad about what he's about to lose and can't bring himself to say the words or have a conversation.

When he says 'I love you all' I think it's true. I think he loves you, doesn't hate you, knows you don't deserve this. But he doesn't love you enough to stay with you for the rest of his life. My xh still tells me he loves me when he sees me, he looks so sad sometimes I could cry.

Would you say that you are a good listener OP?

Back in the room.. the biggest part of my job role away from home is to listen, I have friends who confide in me and most importantly right now my children are sharing their feelings and views with me not their dad as they worry about his response, so yes I would like to think so

Please don't wait for him to make the decisions, it's your life as well. He's prevaricating because he hasn't got another bed to sleep in yet. In the nicest possible way it's over, your job now is to protect yourself and the children and get the most out of him in a financial sense. I know you must be grieving for the relationship you once had but that is all in the past and the person he has proven to be is not someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with and he is not someone who deserves you. Stay cold and calm with him. Feel angry at him but don't show it. Whatever you do, don't plead with him, he honestly isn't worth it. If he was he would have approached the subject with care about your feelings, as it is it's all about him. Tell him to leave and make it on your terms. Good luck x

So tonight I think I have turned a corner, I have been at a friends all afternoon with the children, ( much needed) and my daughter has decided to stay at her friends, I came home about 8:30pm to collect some things for her and my H decided that I should have told him we wouldn’t be back till this time. I finally think I’ve seen him for the controlling twat he has become. I remained calm and just said I’m sure when you were at “your friends” last night you didn’t worry about what time we went to bed.

As hard as this is I know I have to stay strong and see him for the lying, cheating, controlling dick he really is

The scales are falling from your eyes op. I'm so proud of you for saying that to his twattish show of concern. Which is in fact an attempt to control and patronise. Bastard. This detached and cold attitude from you towards him is great. He doesn't care about you. It's time to show him you don't give a flying shit about him. (Even if you do. ESPECIALLY if you do).

Wow. I can’t believe he gave you attitude about where you are when he’s been out all night shagging another woman!! He’s utterly unbelievable.

He is a right piece of shit isn’t he this one! OP know that you have the moral high ground , this is not your fault . From what I have read he has had a few liaisons , this will not stop when he gets with the ow. So she has won no prize . He is a liability now and forever will be . You have to be strong , i know you don’t feel like it but find that anger , use that anger to get things done. I’ve attached some stats that I found good to know when I found out my ex cheated, it helped knowing that he will probably do the same to her, it’s his moral fibre that is weak!

Really sorry you’re going through this , thinking of you xx

Love your reply!

So today is a really hard day, he is highly emotional as it is his last Sunday at our home, unfortunately he thinks we should all be the same.
By half 9 there had been lots of tears and my son asking to go to his nans so he was out the house.
According to my H I’m influencing the children and stopping him having any contact, my poor kids have heard him say so much thy they don’t want to spend time with him, what he does then is say well how about I take you shopping and we can buy you this, I hate listening to my children being manipulated that way but there is nothing I can do.
He has said that I am vile and I have behaved poorly, I do keep pointing out that this was his choice and I wasn’t the one who sent inappropriate messages to another married woman!!
I really hope this time next week we can relax in our home without worrying about his mood or behavior, for now I just have to get through today x

Thing about paying the mortgage is that it's not just a family expense, it's buying an asset. If he stops paying his share he'll forfeit a stake in any increase in value from the day he opted out. So it's as much in his interests to keep paying it as it is in yours. It doesn't excuse him paying maintenance towards the DC's other expenses. (Disclaimer: I am not legally trained; please check the facts with someone who knows what they're talking about. Meanwhile DO NOT believe anything your H tells you.)

ellamorgan it never fails to amaze me when men choose to leave and somehow turn on who they have left behind. Telling you that you are vile and behaved poorly? Shine the mirror up on that one

Today has been one of the hardest days by far, today in amongst all the hurtful words we have started to pack up his things and I have found photos of us together tat have made me so sad.
Why did it have to come to this?? Today is the first day he has said he doesn’t love me anymore and that it has been around 3 years that he has been questioning this!!! My world is in pieces, I feel so used and hurt.
How did I just not see it? He says he felt pressured by everything and that nothing he did was ever good enough, did I just miss all of this or is it an excuse to make me question rather than look at the fact he cheated?
I told him he told my world upside down and he could of ended it in June when I found out, he said that I took advantage of him because he was vulnerable, I’ve never been more confused and emotional than today, I just want to go to bed and wake up next Sunday when he will be gone

Stay strong in the knowledge that you are not responsibile for his happiness. If he was questioning things that is down to him to man up and communicate these. Personally I think he has had enough time to chew it over and is making sure that his decision is somehow down to you..... it is all him and it’s his choice....

They all rewrite the story and blame shift OP. 3 years? nope! That'll be him making an excuse in his own mind so he can live with his decision. Hang in there and KNOW so many of us have been in your situation. So sad. 💐

Thank you all, today is such a hard day, he has now been out and bought pets for the kids!!! All a way of controlling them too but they are 11 And 13 So have no clue what he is doing to them.
Today rants have been about how his grandparents paid the deposit for the house and as he pays the mortgage it’s his house. I am really struggling today and yet yesterday I felt strong!

All I can think of is this time next week it should start to get better as he moves out Saturday, I need to just focus on that an try and keep really busy away from him!

Any suggestion on ways to get through this extremely difficult week??? I need all the help I can get x