He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

[Ellamorgan]

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

Oh OP That's awful of him. At least the kids have one parent being an adult and they will appreciate that in time. Don't listen to this anymore, leave the room when he starts up, say 'don't bother, tell it all to my solicitor'. You will get stronger and it can and will get better. Thinking of you.

The only thing I can say here is your husband is a massive Cu*t (I hate that word but in these circumstances it seems perfect). He sounds psychotic, you know what I would do, look for somewhere else to live. Don't let him have anything to hold over your head. And what a disgusting father looming things over his children, karmas a bitch just sit back and his will come when the divorce starts 😘. You need a fresh start and go enjoy life, you deserve it.

You're right, that solicitor's appointment can't come soon enough, nor the moment he moves out and gives you some space. Stay strong. You've come a long way since the start of the thread. You've done really well. Think of it as him making this easier for you to do. This is the volatile bit, it must be so hard living in the same space. Things will get better for th children when he's gone. Did you make parent's evening? Hope it went well. Did he go?

Thank you honey roar, parents evening was lovely and gave focus to the most important things in life, the kids! Unfortunatley he fid did arrive then got the hump because the kids wanted to travel home with me, that was the start of this. I would love to kick him out and change the locks but on a joint mortgage I can’t!! I have considered just giving in to his demands and selling up just do I can be rid of him but I’ve come this far and I don’t want to be bullied and manipulated into his choices anymore. H moves into his own flat Saturday, unfortunately right now Saturday seems like an eternity away x

When do you see your solicitor? This time will be the hardest bit. Once he's moved out and you've started officially splitting things, and know what you've got/where you live can't be touched I think you'll feel happier. You're on the road to it. Even if you do sell the house and buy somewhere different, and even if it ends up,smaller it will be all yours and you'll be stronger. But at the moment he doesn't get to tell you what's going to happen, that ended when he threw the bomb into your lives. If he kicks off tell him when he's living elsewhere the tension will be easier and the children will relax and they will spend time with him, but in the early days of this split, what they want and need goes. If he keeps shouting and blaming he will make things worse, he's caused all this, he's got his way in breaking up, now he has to let you and his children get their heads round things. Chin up, Saturday will soon be here.

Honestly, whenever he starts his bs, literally walk off! He'll hate it not being able to rant at you and it will stop the kids from hearing this nonsense. Come on MN and rant instead!

Countdown begins Ellamorgan has there been a discussion about ground rules about accessing the house once he leaves? I worry given his arrogance and notion that everything is his that he will turn up as and when he feels like it.

Thank you for your support, honey roar I see the solicitor on Wednesday for 30 minutes but think I will need more than the consultation. H has started to pack up things from around the home to take with him. I have stressed to him on many occasion just give it time at the moment the children are living this and they need time to accept it to but he cannot leave it and just says he loses everything and I get it all. @backintheroom I am on here regularly through the day st the moment checking back for support, I need all the help I can to get through this week. @ledzeplin unfortunately you are right, he has said this is my house, you can’t change the locks, I can come and go as I please. I half expect in the first couple of weeks to come home and find him here just because he can. He phoned my children yesterday evening while we were out on the dance runs and said to him he was sorry and that he didn’t hate his Mum, that things got heated and they shouldn’t, that he will spend time with him through the week, if my son doesn’t want a particular day then it will be another day as he will see him even if my son doesn’t want to because he is his son!! My poor kids are in pieces, they don’t feel like their views or opinions matter to him anymore x

OMG - his behaviour is awful! You will soon be through the worst though - hang on in there, and don't agree to anything until you have seen your solicitor.

'H has started to pack up things from around the home to take with him. I have stressed to him on many occasion just give it time at the moment the children are living this and they need time to accept it to but he cannot leave it and just says he loses everything and I get it all.'

There's no empathy, no ability to see how you all must be feeling because he isn't sad, he's ok. It's about objects and whether things are fair in black and white to him. Yes you seem to get it all because you have built a life and home over time for your family based on your needs and this hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is old 'cheater-pants' so yours and your kids needs remain the same. He can't take shit you need. Get something in writing quickly so you can avoid fighting over household items etc.

If you haven't discovered her already, you might find strength and humour in Chump Lady:

www.chumplady.com/2018/09/ubt-i-found-myself-and-had-an-affair/

I see 4 lawyers before I found the one. Not every lawyer will be a good fit for you. See several then make a choice. Prepare properly for your appointments with the maximum of information it will save you time and money in the long run.

2 lists. One of what you want and another with what you can accept. How old are the kids? Over 13 it's pretty much their choice.

Reading this has made me so angry towards the man. How could he involve your children in all of this?? I cannot believe the things he is saying in front of them when he should be doing his best to shield them from everything, he is despicable. You say you still love him, how can you still love a man who is putting them through this?You have had lots of great advice on here. You are also entitled to lots more than he thinks you should have. How dare he dictate what you can have going forward, that will be up to the Judge and I would be telling him that. The OW is welcome to him and I would be pushing him out the door. I am suspicious of the delay in moving out, why the 9 week wait? Yes, you can change the locks, I did. The police will not do anything as it is classed as a civil matter. He is entitled to break in and change them back, but would he do that. Good luck, it is going to be a long and rocky road and stay strong.

When speaking to your solicitor get advice about applying for an occupation order. They will take into account your DC mental well-being and it’s worth a discussion to see if you could get one. This would prevent your stbxh from simply turning up. It’s a shocking state of affairs when a man decides to leave, waits 9 weeks to move out and in the meantime some how in his head has decided that you are problem and tells you your vile and abusive and then doesn’t give a crap about how he is affecting the DC. You would think you were the one that caused the split!

So today I now have two poorly children at home, I think the stress has caught up with them too. Unfortunatley it means not being able to be out the house with the kids for their dance lessons tonight!!. On the plus side it means I am home through the day to get ready for my solicitors appointment tomorrow. As I only have 30 minute for this appointment I’m looking for some help regarding what I need to take??? This is all so new to me I have no clue what I need to do!!

You will need any info you can find.
You will definitely need your marriage certificate to get a divorce.
Find any paperwork you can.
House info.
Mortgage.
Accounts, current, savings, ISA's
His pension info.
His wage info.
Put all of your passports somewhere safe along with things like birth certificates etc....
Any info on other assets. Cars, other properties, etc....
Bank statements would be good as well.
See what the household outgoings are.
Look into what you would be entitled to from him in maintenance payments.
Any debts as well. Credit cards, loans.....

Can he look after the DC (as he is so keen to spend with them) so you can go out?

Make a list of things you need to mention, your mind may go blank when you have to discuss it irl.
Remember you need to get tough. It really is dog eat dog - but you +dc vs twat wil make you the stronger one.
He is a twat - he has allowed the dc to see the true him, harsh as it is he is not on a pedastal and they can decide for themselves how they move forward with him despite his' my dc 'shit.
My exh spent years poisoning my dc against me. They are nc with HIM now!!
Karma will come good for you too op.

Your husband is doing an absolutely stand up job of making his children utterly hate his guts very soon.

Both are at a pretty sensitive age but not so young as to be blind and trust me; they will see him for exactly what he is soon.

Be strong for them too. He is being weak and dumping on them wayyyyyyyy too much, their poor brains must be fried. Disgusting man.

@backintheroom, I love chump lady! It makes complete sense and sums up the self pity of my husband!. Some of his comments have been “I need to make myself better emotionally”, “I have lost who I am and need to spend time fixing me”, “ you made me change who I was, I havnt been allowed to be me for so long, I’m getting my personality back”.

Mid life crisis at 37 years old!!! All I can hope is that in 6 months time I can look book at this an remember it as the worst time of my life and a time I never wish to repeat, my hope is that at that point if he ever comes crawling back then I will have strength to say Fuck off!

I hope you never ever consider taking this selfish, shallow man who is causing so much harm to the emotional well being of your DC back. He should never be forgiven for his behaviour. You may forgive him the affair eventually, but not the damage he is doing to your children. My ex behaved terribly when it came to resolving the finances, put me through hell for years. As much as I tried to hide things from my DC of course it impacted on them . I could forgive his affair, although I would never have considered taking him back, but his subsequent behaviour I will never forgive. He does not have much of a relationship with his DC , you reap what you sow.

Thank you @crimsonlake I look at him everyday and with everyday that passes my love for him is disappearing. I struggle to believe anyone could treat children this way especially your own children!!! Watching their little faces and seeing the fear is awful when he walks In a room.
I hope in time I can move forward, I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him for his behaviour, he seems intent on taking the house and the children away from me all because in his twisted world he has lost everything so I should too!!! Problem is he caused the home x

Do a household budget too. So you know what you need. Find out what you might be entitled to. Your 30 mins isn't going to be more than a taster. @WellWhoKnew recommended an excellent book on divorce on one of her threads. She DiYed it if I remember correctly.

Book multiple solicitor appointments.

Thankyou @walllywobbles I have two burning questions tomorrow in my 39 minutes, can he make me sell the house? And do I have to force the kids to have contact against their will?. The problem is I can’t afford regular solicitor appointments and he knows it.

Tonight we have returned from dance, put the kids to bed and he is not in, the kids are now worried that when he comes in he will be angry as he hasn’t seen them today!! I have reassures them that if daddy is cross that’s his problem x

@ellamorgan how did you appointment at the solicitors go?

Ellamorgan how did your appointment go?

@fookinhell, @ledzeplin, I am so pleased I went! It was just a 30 minute consultation today. The solicitor confirmed that when he leaves the house Saturday, even though we are joint owners, he cannot enter while I am present if I do not want him to and I can call the police if he refuses to leave. H will be able to enter when I’m not there legally but he f I change the locks then he will have to take me to court for access.
H cannot force me to sell the property until youngest is 18, he can force me to pay the mortgage but will have to give me maintenance which would be greater than mortgage payment due to his earnings. If H decides he wants the property to be sold I can ask the court to take into account all of his assets which would make him worse off than if he just continued with the status quo.
Most importantly if the kids say no to contact he cannot force them, he can take me to court but their ages mean it would go in their favour.
Once again he has had our daughter in tears this evening staying over the phone that he doesn’t want to pressure her but wants her to talk to him, she doesn’t want to talk as she is worried he will shout at me and said she will talk once he has moved out on Saturday, not a good situation for a 13 year old girl, her dad is not teaching her how to manage relationships very well at all at the moment.
I am dreading when we go home this evening after the dance run as he will be short and shitty with us which we could do without tonight