He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

[Ellamorgan]

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

Where are the pets going to live???

We have two guinea pigs and a hamster, they will live at the house with the kids so with me. More expense I could have done without right now but that doesn’t matter

Hate men sometimes, they always resort back to money and what is theirs! Stay calm and let him have his little rant...go an quietly see a solicitor...even his family did pay the deposit unless this was made known at the time it was a gift it should make no difference going forward. Your priority is your DC as should be his but clearly not the case...let him have his rant and tell him to FO!

He's bought the kids some fucking PETS????!!
Who does he think is going to get lumbered looking after them and paying for their upkeep?

Today rants have been about how his grandparents paid the deposit for the house and as he pays the mortgage it’s his house. I am really struggling today and yet yesterday I felt strong!

Disengage! When he starts with his bs, walk away! You don't have to now do you! And his bs is a glimpse of how he now views you and your marriage. Like a stranger isn't he? Cause he is! Just saunter away and just know that you don't 'chat shit' (as my dc say) to strangers! Leave the financials for the divorce proceedings/financial settlement. Try and focus on getting those ducks in a row and ignore him from now on and If you want to rant, ring a friend.

What an absolute knob.
In one of your updates you said you wanted him to tell you it was over.
Why does he have to tell you that it is over?
You tell him that it is over. Hold your nerve - don't let him upset you by him making a drama out of it being his last Sunday at home.

Really feel for you but your life will get better once this idiot is gone.

Deposits/mortgage etc - that can be sorted out by lawyers. Don't let him threaten you or frighten you.

He bought pets when he's about to leave the family home

Where is he actually going next weekend? Do you know that he will definitely be going?

Hold your ground 're finance and the house, do not engage in conversation about this until you have seen your solicitor and know where you stand financially. Also be repaired for the finance part to get messy as it sounds like he wants to leave the family unit, sell the home from under you, the kids and now the pets and swan off with any proceeds. This clearly wouldn't be in the children's best interests.

You need to be getting angry OP, he's planning on shitting on you from a great height.

You're married. It's not "his" house. It's in the marital pot and will be split accordingly.
He's a twat.

Right now your messages are keeping me going, thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.
today has just been awful from the minute I got up, I’ve questioned if what he says is true, am I this awful person that has caused this? Have I controlled him? Did I not listen to him? Did he try to talk to me?

Then every now and then I get a glimpse of the true him, he is manipulating my 13 year old daughter and almost blackmailing her into spending time with him with the promise of new clothes and new pets!!!

I have the solicitor on Wednesday just for a consultation but he is already clearing out his assets, I have heard him say he has sold his coin collection to his Mum and she will hold them for the children and he has expensive mountain bikes that will be moved out in the next week. I have photos of everything for evidence and the bank statemoent to show him making the payments.

How do I switch off this emotion?? I still love him!!! I want this all to stop, my kids have kept me sane but my daughters behaviour towards me is awful after she spends time with him and she says things that he would say!!!

Anyone else found this with their ex regarding their children?

God that’s sounding worse. He is clearly getting your DC involved in this. A younge teenager will love the extras and the attention and focus on the negative mummy. I did when my mum and dad split up. Rise above it, stay calm and not react

I'm no expert, but I've read on here that there are ways and means of tracing asset-clearing. And if you have evidence, that's going to help enormously.

So today is a new day, ( I’m trying to sell it to myself). Here is today’s dilemma, tonight we are supposed to have parents evening for my son, I told my H about this last week and gave him the letter my son had given me, on Thursday I told him the time of the appointment, I am aware he has a memory like a sieve and he has just taken his passport and a letter to sign paperwork for his new flat today which tells me he has forgotten about the appointment.

My question is do I remind him?? He should be there to hear about his son but at the same time I’m not his Mum!! According to him I’m not his wife either so not sure I should have to remind him.

Am I being petty?? I feel it today!

He needs to face up to his responsibilities - he forgets-he deals with it. Please don't waste your affection on this man.Just focus on getting what is rightfully yours and look after your children,sounds like he is confusing them. Buying pets was ridiculous

So very sorry this is happening to you.

You sound utterly amazing. He sounds like a knob of the highest order. Buying pets before he moves out? That is so foolish. I have no words.

I probably wouldn't bother reminding him, unless it will negatively impact your son in some way. Time to let knobhead fend for himself without a wife to do all the remembering and reminding.

I'd put money on the fact that a year from now, you will be thriving and he will be floundering.

He has moved on and time for you to do the same. So no I wouldn’t be reminding him, you have already told him and he is no longer your friend or partner.

Do not remind him. He doesn't want you as his wife anymore therefore you don't do wifework either.

Stbxh is like this too. Missed appointments and blamed me for not reminding him. Told him to get the OW to be his PA as l don't do wifework anymore.

I wouldn't be allowing the animals. He can take them with him or give to his parents. It's another way of controlling you i.e you WILL do as l say and have pets. You are basically paying for his gift and he gets the credit with the kids.

Try to stop questioning everything.
Go back to my previous post and click on the link for 'the script'
It will all become clear.

It may not feel like it, but you are doing so well.
Try to keep out of the house in the evenings this week.
Let him deal with the kids.

Big hugs

No don’t remind him. You’ve told him and given him the paperwork. He now has to take responsibility for this type of thing and realise that you are not going to be trotting behind him picking up the bits he misses anymore.

This is the start of you taking control.

I now do this with my ex. I tell him about this type of thing, send him any paperwork and then leave it at that. It’s up to him to sort his life out now and if it means he forgets then so be it

Anyone else found this with their ex regarding their children?

Yes, it's called 'Parental Alienation' and it's so damaging. I've read many articles about it and one which said that it's not a battle, it's WAR! I'll try and see if I can find it....

Oh and regarding parent evening, you've already given him the date and time so you've done your bit. No more reminders, this is on him. Your STBXH should be the one to worry whether his absence this evening will affect your son not you. You're good, you'll be there.

I found it. It mentions 'Narcissist' which might not be the case but it's a useful tool anyway:

pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2018/01/war-guide-for-preventing-and-coping-with-narcissistic-parental-alienation/

It wasn't you. Don't blame yourself. Even if there were things wrong or issues, he didn't one his mouth and talk to you, did he - he just moved on and sprung it all on you. Sixteen years on from my ex having an affair and turning my life upside down by suddenly leaving I can look back and see how we weren't right together and there were probably issues, but I still can't forgive him for the horrible way he, and he alone, chose to let things end.

Re the parents evening, if you'd not reminded him at all I would say it was naughty of you to not say anything today, but you have reminded him in the last week. If he's too stupid or too wrapped up in his own life to write it down and remember than that's not your fault. He's chosen seperate lives and he had to organise his own now.

I'm glad you've got a solicitor lined up and will get some help in how to proceed. The trouble with these kind of men is that they've been thinking about this for months, so are more ready, whereas the one who has it sprung on them isn't, and has to play catch up - it's balanced in the cheaters favour initially, so legal help is important.

Back in the room thank you, that makes sense to me, I read with great interest.

So far I’m having a bit of a rubbish day, I had an accident in my car this morning and think it was the straw that broke the camels back, spent two hours sobbing, luckily my children are at school and no injuries to anyone so no lasting damage but it finished me.
I am on dance runs for my children all week after school so we stay out the house most nights till 9ish, just not sure how to deal with him from school finish time till 6ish when we have to leave!

Looking forward to parents evening for no to hear some positives after a rubbish start I the day

How could this day of got any worse?? It has!!! Two hours of H going at me, telling me that he will spend time with the children even if they don’t want too, he has seen a solicitor and he will sell the house, that I am vile, nasty, vindictive, and that I am influencing all the kids choices. These poor children are so so upset by what they have heard and that he didn’t stop to think how they would feel at all, I’m so sad. The solicitors appointment can’t come quick enough x

I hope your staying strong and telling him that he has taken you both to this position and he needs to take responsibility for his choices. I would ask him to stop communicating with you as it’s distressing the children and simply ask him when he is actually leaving. Then change the locks and decide on what mode of communication you will use going forward