Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

311 replies

Ellamorgan · 20/09/2018 21:39

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellamorgan · 11/10/2018 15:10

Hello all, sorry I havnt responded been stupidly busy with the kids, I have not changed my stance with him and I have given him the number for counselling.
I am all over the place daily and I am struggling with my own emotions but I am trying so hard to stay strong, all of your messages are keeping me going thank you all x

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 11/10/2018 15:12

Just read the whole thread, so sorry for all you've had to go through and I'm in awe of your strength

crimsonlake · 11/10/2018 16:17

Well done, you are doing well. It is only natural to feel the way you do, be kind to yourself. Do keep us updated when you can.

Bigboobiebish · 11/10/2018 18:53

Best of luck OP, it must be very tough for you Thanks

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 12/10/2018 19:32

I’m having a bad night tonight, I was cleaning out the conservatory and found our wedding photos, I just burst into tears and sobbed, I really wanted to feel better about this but I’m still finding it really hard.

After last Sunday’s contact where he hugged me and told me he still loved me and wanted a future I wrote him a letter to explain how I felt, I have had no response from this at all, I gave it to him Tuesday when he had contact with the kids. I really hoped he could take on board my views but nothing!!!

He has now created an Instagram account and has added the woman who he sent puctures too, I have since found out her marriage has ended too so I know what he’s doing with his spare time now.

I feel so sad and very lonely, my children are struggling with all of this and my son is still having regular emotional breakdowns but won’t let me tell his dad.

Please can someone tell me this gets better because I am finding this all really hard x

OP posts:
KataraJean · 12/10/2018 19:34

It gets better Flowers

I am cooking dinner and need to clean the house so this is only a quick message, but it definitely gets better.

auntyflonono · 12/10/2018 19:34

It will get so very much better Flowers better than it was before.

crimsonlake · 12/10/2018 22:52

It will get better, but their is no magic wand. Sadly it is a grieving process you will go through to mourn the end of your marriage and it will take time. You will have lots of up's and down's emotionally and can expect to feel like this for a long time. This time next year hopefully the full emotional impact will be behind you, Keep busy, have you seen a solicitor yet?

SandyY2K · 13/10/2018 00:38

Remember all this.......

My children are so aware of his behavior

In June this year I received messages from a male to say my husband had sent inappropriate picture messages to his wife

he told our children 5 weeks ago that he doesn’t love me anymore

my poor kids have heard him say so much thy they don’t want to spend time with him

He has said that I am vile and I have behaved poorly

Today is the first day he has said he doesn’t love me anymore and that it has been around 3 years

he said that I took advantage of him because he was vulnerable

that I am vile, nasty, vindictive

These poor children are so so upset by what they have heard and that he didn’t stop to think how they would feel

he will see him even if my son doesn’t want to because he is his son

Watching their little faces and seeing the fear is awful when he walks In a room.

Once again he has had our daughter in tears this evening

comments under his breathe of “I fucking hate you”

I’m not sure why I ever loved you in the first place you spiteful horrible cunt”

he then started causing problems for my daughter and once again had her in tears

he has been nasty, controlling, spiteful, manipulative, put me down, made stupid comments to the children, returned home drunk scaring the kids, screamed and shouted, cheated on me, made me feel worthless, threatened me, used me, tried to blame it all on me, lied to me and more than it all really emotionally hurt me.

Mrstobe90 · 13/10/2018 01:39

I've just read your thread and I'm so
so sorry to hear that he has been putting you all through a total nightmare! I understand you miss him but could you ever really trust him again after this?

Here's a quote that has always helped me through hard times:
'This too shall pass.'

No matter how difficult things may be at the moment, they won't stay this way forever xx

Bigboobiebish · 13/10/2018 09:57

You deserve someone who will love you deeply... not someone who says you're vile and mutters horrible things under their breath.
You will be so much happier. You're just going through an adjustment.
Stay strong OP, you got this Thanks

Starlight345 · 13/10/2018 10:54

It will get soo much better .

You need to take control now .

This is empowering.

Your desire to want to make it better won’t change but they will evolve from you putting yourself in charge of your life and supporting the children in controlling there’s.

twiglet · 14/10/2018 18:46

Hope this week's contact went OK @Ellamorgan remember that your stronger than you give yourself credit for!

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 14/10/2018 19:03

Today I have taken 6 steps backwards, the handover took 2 hours with lots of tears from me and my H, he apologized for his behaviour and said he has been very angry and he is seeking help for it. We hugged, cried some more and told each other we loved each other.

I am a mess, I didn’t want to let him leave, he has had a lot happen in the last three years including 4 bereavements and has not had any support. I couldn’t help but text him tonight and tell him how I feel and that I want us to talk, he has said he is a mess and doesn’t know what he wants!!

How have I ended up back here??? I love him dearly despite all of this and I just want him back, he is continuing to pay all the bills on this house as well as his own and has stuck to his agreement with the DC since we separated. I really miss him, I miss his company and the time we had together, I am really struggling to move forward and feel like I’m going backwards

OP posts:
Cambionome · 14/10/2018 19:28

I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation, but please re-read your thread. He is not a man you can trust or rely on.
Flowers

blueangel1 · 14/10/2018 19:36

You're trying to get back to what feels familiar, but what he's offering is fake. I'm so sorry. Please read your own posts again for what's really happened.

KataraJean · 14/10/2018 19:43

He has been very angry and he has taken it out on you.
You are not his punch bag.

Why not tell him to find a counsellor, see the children at contact (handover at a neutral place) and to work out what he wants without crying all over you (and then adding other women to his social media).

You miss the person you thought he was and the marriage you thought you had.

Honeyroar · 14/10/2018 20:37

After all he has put you through you've given him another chance and told him you would have him back (which he's been pushing for) and then he STILL doesn't know if he wants you?? How much more are you going to take? He DOESN'T want you, he would have taken this chance and moved heaven and earth to make it work. You're dreaming of the past, who he might have been, but definitely not who he is now.

I'm sorry I'm probably sounding harsh, but you need some counselling yourself to get your head straight through all this. He's treated you dreadfully, he still is, and you're so kind and forgiving that you're thinking of excuses for him and feeling sorry for him.

crimsonlake · 14/10/2018 20:49

Oh dear, sorry this has happened, he really is messing with your emotions. Basically he is laying the blame for his guilt on you,,, you were no support etc... this is classic behaviour. You both break down,,, you tell him you want to try again and yes he then turns round and says he does not know what he wants. If he wanted you he would be there now. Did you just say earlier he has been in contact with the other woman and she has left her husband, or have you forgotten all of this? Sorry to be blunt and I think people have avoided bringing it up, but he has in all likelihood been having an affair. People seldom leave a half decent marriage unless there is someone else involved. Please do not let him play with your emotions, he will become a stranger to you soon. Do not let him manipulate you and give you hope, you need to be strong. Do you really want to be with this man now, do you even like him? Get down to your solicitors and start sorting the finances.

crimsonlake · 14/10/2018 20:51

Also do not let him in the house again. Look up the 6 week no contact rule, this should help you.

lifebegins50 · 14/10/2018 21:03

He has now created an Instagram account and has added the woman who he sent puctures too, I have since found out her marriage has ended too so I know what he’s doing with his spare time now

His is also likely to feel sad and sorry for what he is putting you through BUT doesn't mean he still wants you.

It is him....not you. I know you are heartbroken but the more you chase the less respect he will have for you as he knows you will be his back up.

Starlight345 · 14/10/2018 21:11

Honestly op.

He has treated you and dc appallingly.

Remember this and only this

blueangel1 · 14/10/2018 22:26

I lived through this as well when my marriage fell apart. Exh had acquired an OW but she was dallying about leaving her husband. I eventually found out through a mutual friend (who is no longer his friend) that he enjoyed the thought of two women fighting over him. Please don't put yourself in this position; it was awful beyond belief for me and it will be for you too.

Dowser · 14/10/2018 23:00

Listen to honeyroar
My ex dangled me like this for ten hurtful confusing months
Playing cat and mouse with me
The only way you will heal is if you cut all contact
Because every time you see him it’s like picking at a scab

When they say they don’t know what they want

Just hear
It’s not you that they want

Go nc with him..
It does get better

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 15/10/2018 19:38

Why am I so stupid? Today has put things into perspective for me. Today there was an accident at my H’s work, a very nasty accident that my H would have been first responder at. This is the third time this year this has happened, he didn’t tell me I found out through a friend. The person that my husband looked after may not pull through.
I had a dilemma as to whether I made contact, I sent a message just saying I had heard and I hoped he was ok and if he wanted to see the kids for an extra hug I would understand, he responded with he is a mess and is still unable to leave work so will have to be tomorrow but thank you.

In this one message my heart has broken all over again, I cannot switch off how I feel about him and now I am really worried about how he is coping, I just want to give him a hug and make sure he is ok but I can’t even do that.
I am so scared that I wi never get to do that again, ever in my life, he has been a wanker the past 4 months but it wasn’t like this before and I don’t know how I move on from the 15 years we have spent together.
I’m sorry I keep repeating myself, I’ve re read the thread from the beginning tonight in hope I would feel better but it’s made me worse, I’ve lost him and I don’t know how to accept it x

OP posts: