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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

311 replies

Ellamorgan · 20/09/2018 21:39

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

OP posts:

auntyflonono · 28/09/2018 09:11

Why is his mother in your house? Is she packing for him?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/09/2018 12:13

HI OP,

Keep going keep going keep going.

Great idea to take the kids out for the day tomorrow. Brilliant that you have already seen a solicitor. You've got this.

But also why is his Mother coming on Friday? Does diddums need help packing his suitcase?

Original poster

Ellamorgan · 28/09/2018 12:21

Thanks everyone, everyone’s support is helping me so much at the moment.

I am dreading going home from work tonight to my husband and mother in law in the house!! She has not spoken o me at all through any of this despite me thinking we had a good relationship before her delightful son started this.

In the last two weeks every time my H has spoken to the children and it has not gone his way his mum has called or text 5 minutes later saying that Mum and dad both love them. I think she is coming to prolong the misery for the children and myself, luckily we have dance after 2 hours of being at home so we have a way out!

Tonight will either be calm and he will go out with his mum for dinner or they will be over the top, lots of crying and pressure on the children, I will keep you all posted x

OP posts:

Moffa · 28/09/2018 16:33

Hope this evening goes ok. Thinking of you OP xxx

MixedMaritalArts · 28/09/2018 16:53

KOKO OP, sending you some extra positive mental energy to help you later however the cookie crumbles.

Original poster

Ellamorgan · 28/09/2018 17:32

So the mother in laws left and I survived that as much as I can, H has come home while the children and me are eating dinner, he is making comments under his breathe of “I fucking hate you” “it’s my last day and the kids are going out to dance”, “ i fucking pay for everything at this house” now I can hear him talking to my son about spending time with him which my son is pacifying. Further comment under his breathe of “ I’m not sure why I ever loved you in the first place you spiteful horrible cunt”. Let’s hope this evening is peaceful when we get back, less than 24 hours to go!

Give me strength!!!

OP posts:

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 28/09/2018 17:38

Why is HE so angry??

Moffa · 28/09/2018 17:55

Stay strong OP & don’t rise to it. Try & keep a diary of all these things. Will help keep you strong & you can cite this behaviour in the divorce. I keep a list in the notes on my phone. Titled ‘shopping list’ in case he snoops! He is so awful to you it actually hurts

veggiethrower · 28/09/2018 17:58

Why on earth is he going on like that? He was the one that decided to end things.
Or were you supposed to do the "pick me dance" and beg for him to stay. You haven't so he's angry.
You are well rid.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 28/09/2018 18:19

His behaviour is so odd. He ends it and says he is leaving and your the spiteful one and he hates you. Ignore him and focus on Sunday

BackInTheRoom · 28/09/2018 18:54

I reckon he's so mad because he's rewritten your history so much that to him, you're a completely different person. Unless the OW is stirring the pot and winding him up. Or unless he doesn't want you to get the house and kids? You'll never know tbh because these guys can deal in truth.

BackInTheRoom · 28/09/2018 18:54

*cannot

crimsonlake · 28/09/2018 19:08

Do you know where he is going and why it has taken him so long to move out, albeit of his own free will? I am concerned also that when it boils down to it he actually wont go.

Olderbyaminute · 28/09/2018 19:08

Mother of God what a piece of work he is! He cheats on you,is abusive and controlling to you and the children then blames you for his horrible behavior! I’m sorry but the true reason he’s acting this way is he knows what a cluster fuck he has made of his life and home! I honestly don’t know how you remained composed I think I would’ve thrown him out bodily that first morning. Best of luck to you and your family

Original poster

Ellamorgan · 28/09/2018 19:13

Thank you everyone for your continued support, after posting this earlier he then started causing problems for my daughter and once again had her in tears as he decided thy were going to have a conversation if she didn’t want to.

I think the reality of him moving out has hit him, it’s impissible for him to take any responsibility or blame so he has to blame someone and unfortunately that person is me.

I think his anger increases because I remain calm and he cannot get his own way with me anymore. I am dreading him coming back later, he has gone out for a meal with his mum but he’s not driving so he will have a drink which will make it worse. Tomorrow morning is also likely to be awful for the kids too so we will be up and out as soon as we can be, I know that will be wrong as he wants to say goodbye but I am not putting the kids through it x

OP posts:

MixedMaritalArts · 28/09/2018 19:19

You cannot react to this, you have to avoid being manipulated into a confrontation so he has evidence of your ‘crazy’ in front of the kids so he can edit the facts using that memory over and over. In my opinion it’s a way to avoid being at fault in any capacity in his own head ! It’s getting more intense as he is on a countdown for getting you to relatiate.

MixedMaritalArts · 28/09/2018 19:22

Sp : retaliate

EllenRipley · 28/09/2018 19:29

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds so similar to a marriage breakdown that someone close to me suffered. Some men seem to behave this way when they've decided to opt out of a relationship, especially if there's an OW (or the prospect of one) involved. It's fucking cruel. He sounds like an extremely dysfunctional human being and his behaviour is disgraceful. There will be relief tomorrow when this bit is over and he's gone - and it will be followed by more anger and grieving and stress but at least you will have the space to weather the storm and gather your kids close.

You'll be fine. He'll reap what he sows.

auntyflonono · 28/09/2018 19:31

Good luck OP!

eddielizzard · 28/09/2018 19:50

Fuuuck who does that to their kids?!?!?!

You are amazing Ellamorgan, stay strong

Original poster

Ellamorgan · 28/09/2018 21:32

So he has returned and at present he is calm, I have hidden upstairs in the bedroom out of the way.

H has just sat with our daughter for 10 minutes saying that it is his last night and when she gets back from being out he won’t be here anymore and won’t live here anymore, ( just the last element of blackmail) he said he is going to be very sad to leave and wished he didn’t have to ( anyone would think he has been forced to leave, I have never even requested this although I would be within my rights). Tomorrow at 9am he will collect the keys for his new property and I will make sure we are not here when he gets back or it will be a nightmare!

One more night to go!!!

OP posts:

Cambionome · 28/09/2018 22:39

Good luck op - thinking of you.

blueangel1 · 28/09/2018 23:02

OP, you got it right with "impissible". Great Freudian slip.

Miggeldy · 29/09/2018 02:57

God he sounds like a monumental twat. You're well rid OP.

Suresurelah · 29/09/2018 05:46

He’s projecting.

Don’t rise to it and ignore

for you....one day left

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