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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

311 replies

Ellamorgan · 20/09/2018 21:39

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this Smile

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2018 17:34

Well done OP, that sounds really promising.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 26/09/2018 17:37

Brilliant update!

Gazelda · 26/09/2018 17:55

You're holding it together brilliantly OP. Only a few more days to count down. Can you plan to do something with the children on the day he moves out? It's probably best they are out of the house and away from the emotional trauma.

Butterymuffin · 26/09/2018 18:06

That all sounds very positive OP. I would go for a hot chocolate out or something after dance class, return late and then go to your bedroom. Just keep out of his way for now.

crimsonlake · 26/09/2018 19:03

It is good that you have been proactive as it will make you feel better being more in control. If possible see if you can get a free 30 min elsewhere, may be even a couple.
Regarding the house, I believe it will depend upon whether you can afford to keep it. At the end of the day you both need somewhere to live and you will not be awarded so much in order to stay there if it leaves him with very little to re home himself. Do you work? Are you over housed? How much equity is in the property? If it goes to court the judge will look at this. Your solicitor is probably referring to something called a Mesher Order which I know little about. Hopefully your husband will co operate, but be prepared for him to fight dirty over the finances, especially when the guilt subsides. As for returning to the family home once he has left, you are entitled to your privacy but do not be surprised if he does not respect those boundaries. In fact my worry was always that my ex would want to move back in, something which they are legally entitled to do as they are still joint owners. If he turns up and wont leave and you feel threatened yes by all means phone the police, I have done this, but you must stress you feel threatened. I suggest you post all your details, ages, income, everything on the government funded Wikivorce divorce website which has members and professionals who will give you invaluable advice. I would keep your visit to the solicitor from him, if he panics he may decide it is better to stay from a financial point of view.

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 26/09/2018 19:24

Thank you all for the support it is really helping right now.
@Gazelda the children have asked that I take them out Saturday as they do not want to be home as he puts his suitcase in the car so I plan to have a nice day with them.

@butterymuffin luckily we don’t get home from dance till half 9’so it’s straight to bed and it’s my night upstairs in the bed so I can just go straight to my room.

@crimsonlake I plan to keep today close I my Chest until after he has moved out. I am working earning around £1,400 a month he is earning £3,800 monthly, I have worked out his maintenance figure based on his £57000 salary last year and it would be £80 more than the mortgage payment. My husband is due a 6 figure compensation pay out early 2019, this has been ongoing for the last 5 years, the solicitor said that the equity is currently around £100,000 in the house but he may walk away if he thinks I will go for his other assets including his compo!
I feel so much happier to know that for the first time in a long time not everything is on his terms an I have a bit of say over the future, most importantly my children will have a stable roof over their heads x

OP posts:
Cambionome · 26/09/2018 19:59

Good news op - it's looking positive. Stand firm and stay strong. Flowers

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 26/09/2018 20:34

Well done op!!

Honeyroar · 26/09/2018 21:10

Brilliant. Glad you're feeling happier about your future. Every step you take towards a strong, independent future on your own feet will make you feel better. Bear in mind you will have plenty more down days and he will have more full blown strops when he realises his independent life will be bloody expensive and not as easy as he thought. His rose coloured spectacles will come off and he may even decide he'd rather come back. You have to be strong and know what you want and whay is best. Keep going, you're doing well.

Wallywobbles · 26/09/2018 21:14

Lawyer sounds good. Do you think they'll fight your corner well?

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 26/09/2018 22:08

Thank you guys, I’m trying really hard to stay strong! Today I re-read my thread and I will continue to do this to make myself realise I am doing this and I can get through all his shit, the support of everyone on here has been amazing and is keeping me going.

Tonight I have been home less than 30 minutes, I have managed to put the washing on, feed the pets ( not their fault my husband is a twat) and get two children tucked up in bed for the night, H sat in the settee looking pitiful then crashed and banged around downstairs after saying a quick goodnight to the children, he is mumbling under his breathe “fucking bitch” as he puts the air be down up down stairs, I just keep saying 2 more days to go.

H’s mother is due Friday night which I’m dreading as she has not contacted me but has taken every word he has said as gospel which I dread to think what his version is, probably something along the lines of “ she’s awful Mum, she took pictures of me naked and sent them to another woman then blamed me, she’s keeping the children away from me, they are brain washed by her, she won’t do my washing or dinner anymore.

I just have Thursday and Friday to get through then Sunday I can get up knowing I won’t have to deal with his shit for the day x

OP posts:
Dancingtothemusicoftime · 27/09/2018 18:59

Hi OP, how are you today? I think you have been awesome thus far Thanks

OliviaStabler · 27/09/2018 19:29

Stay strong OP Flowers The end is in sight

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 27/09/2018 19:44

@Dancingtothemusicoftime I am up and down today, thanks for asking. I am trying so hard to keep myself busy to pass the time.

Tonight is my last night sleeping on the air bed before he leaves, it sounds silly to be upset over something so stupid but in the last 10 weeks this has become my routine, it makes it all very real and as much as I am angry around his behaviour I am so sad that he is leaving this home and this is all becoming real.

My biggest question is when does the love for someone begin to fade? I hoped by now after all of the screaming and shouting he has done and all the pain he has caused me and the children that this would be easier.

Has anyone else found themselves struggling to break the routine that their partner has controlled for so long? I keep finding myself saying things that I would say to please him then calling myself stupid for still doing this, how did I allow myself to end up in a relationship where I am treated so badly but not realise it is happening? X

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 27/09/2018 20:43

I am surprised given the advice that you are still taking turns on the airbed? It is because you have been conditioned by many years of marriage to the man and trying to please him I suspect. It is going to be a roller coaster of emotions for many months to come so be prepared. Divorcing and separating the finances can be a long drawn out process, so be prepared for it to take up to 18 months. Your feelings will be up and down and all over the place . But one day you will look back and think to yourself how on earth did I have the strength to go through all that and it may seem like someone elses life, you may not even recognise the person you were. Keep posting and let us know how it goes over the weekend, you are doing great.

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 27/09/2018 21:01

Thank you @Crimsonlake I am hopeful that one day this will all seem like a horrid nightmare but most importantly that I am able to wake up from it!!?

The weekend is going to be really hard, I just keep saying tomorrow is the last proper day for us to get through, I am half looking forward to Sunday, to be able to wake up in the house without the worry of where he is or what mood he is in.

I will keep you all posted on my very messy roller coaster journey, and I will continue to draw strength from every response that is posted, thank you all c

OP posts:
Dancingtothemusicoftime · 27/09/2018 21:17

Hi OP, as Crimsonlake says, it's a journey and one that no one volunteers for. The pain is unbearable and all the more so when you still have to do the day to day stuff of keeping your DCs and pets fed, watered and loved. You have to be a mum and general factotum whilst simultaneously feeling like a demented banshee. It is beyond grim. And ironically the essential domestics are a good thing too because you will know that despite your H's beyond vile behaviour, you were able to support your DCs and be the solidity in their life while their father took a wrecking ball to their security. He is pathetic and you rock, sister.

I didn't believe it because how could it be so, when I loved him so, so much, but truly, absolutely, in time you will feel nothing whatsoever for him apart from the odd flicker of weary contempt.

Honeyroar · 27/09/2018 21:26

Try and think of a few things that you can do for yourself as soon as he is gone. Silly things like order a new duvet cover, lamps and cushions for your bedroom. Buy a new film on DVD and pizzas, chocolate and goodies so you can have a nice first evening without him together. It's going to be a nice weekend, go out for a walk somewhere, take lots of photos of you and the girls in the autumn sunshine to go in frames around the house.

You will have your downs too. You can't switch your emotions off overnight. But one day you will look back on this with barely any feelings. I had two huge downs when my ex left - one when he moved all his stuff out, another the day that me buying the house off him was finalised and there was nothing more to fight for, all the stress was gone, I was safe yet I couldn't stop crying. I wish I had been on Mumsnet in those days. Don't let your grief make you forget how he's treated you. Sometimes it feels easier to want to go backwards rather than move on, but it's not true.

Tisahardlife · 27/09/2018 21:39

Keep going OP, by Sunday you can bin the air bed and have your own bed in your own room from then on moving forwards.

After a similar experience, one of the very first things I did once my ex finally left was to redecorate my bedroom and replace bedding, it really helped to make it my space rather than our space, I can really recommend it.

Treacletoots · 27/09/2018 21:44

OP i've just read your entire thread. The difference in you from the first through to the last post is quite incredible.

You are amazing. You will survive. You have done NOTHING wrong.

Take the fucker and screw him for everything you can. also, please stick a pin in the airbed after your last use :)

Poppyinagreenfield · 27/09/2018 21:55

I am very sorry about this. Men are cowards in the emotional department. He is trying to make this as easy as possible for himself.

You have had some good advice. Look at the practicalities managing your life, finances and the children. He’s history and cannot come back. The grass is always greener until you walk on it.

Hopefully you are on the right track. But this is just so unfair on you.

Moffa · 28/09/2018 06:51

Good luck OP Flowers

Ratbagcatbag · 28/09/2018 07:20

I just wanted to say big hugs to you.
You're doing amazingly well.
Sending strength for the next couple of days. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2018 09:08

Last full day of this shit OP and then he'll be gone.
Can you go out tonight and leave him to his mother?
Why do you have to be there?
You are doing so so well.
I'd have shoved that airbed up his arse if he's have expected me to sleep on it.
I'm so raging for you so goodness only knows what you are going through.
ONE MORE DAY - and you will be free of it (sort of!)

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 28/09/2018 09:08

Hope the outlaw behaves herself today.