He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

[Ellamorgan]

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

Oh hunny! Have you had any counselling since this all started, I can't remember? I really think you need some help. You've got to stop worrying about him and how he's coping and start concentrating on yourself. (Because he's putting himself first and looking after himself). You're carrying all this on your shoulders - worries about the children, worries about him - who is worrying about you?

Sometimes it's easier to want to go back than face up to moving forward.

You are not stupid at all, you are confused and hurting and you want him to be the husband you thought he was

I agree speak to a counsellor, but also give yourself time.

The hardest thing is turning off the responses you would normally have had because you know it leads to the emotional turmoil you are having now and does not solve things. You cannot fix this because you did not create the problem. All you can do is look after yourself and DC.

I agree low contact, only necessary information regarding DC, and give yourself some space from it all. Grief, anger all of those things, all very normal. But if he was the husband you thought he was, you would not be in this position. He is giving you just enough to keep you dangling but nowhere near enough to suggest he means a reconciliation is possible. Hedging his bets, I think.

His work will provide psychological support, I think, it is not your position and certainly not his DC’s position. They cannot be used as an emotional crutch to come and get an extra hug, the contact should be consistently about DC needs. Re-focus your mind

Obviously getting counselling is easier said than done, unless you can pay there will be a long waiting list. You really need to go no contact, actually I think it is 60 days not 6 weeks, this really will help you move forward. Please listen and take peoples advice on here, many of us have been through this. Do not see him, or ring him, if you have to communicate do it through email.

I’m a mess, I let my guard down to him, he has had a horrendous week and has been diagnosed with ptsd. My H openly admits he is a mess and very confused, he is about to start 1:1 with a psychologist and that is needed.

I love him, I tell him openly that I love him and he will say the same but says he is confused and says that there needs to be lots of work done and he cannot make any promises, he will text me daily to see how I am and says we need to work together for the children.
He has invited me to his house as he wants us all to spend time together and is talking about us going to joint counselling after individual support so we can openly talk.

I am worse than I was when he left me, I miss him so badly, I wake up dreaming about him then cry when I realise he is not there, how can I accept we are not together any more?? There are no guarantees that we willl ever have a future but I can’t bring myself to admit there may not be?? He wants us to go away together as a family in January for a long weekend to have some nice time for us all, my head says don’t be stupid and my heart says you love him work at this because it’s worth it

I don’t know what to do, I can’t stop crying, I look at his picture hourly because I miss him, why can’t I switch this off

Oh so sorry to read this. Your heart is breaking. It’s a kind of grief, don’t beat yourself up for it

Think about all of it in the morning now when you’ve slept. He was so awful to you. But you care about him deeply - that’s natural. If he himself was genuinely suffering then maybe that was a factor but it doesn’t excuse his behaviour. He should be apologising profoundly and maybe he will one day when he is no longer a mess. There’s only so much you can help someone else even if they’ve been closest person in your life. You sound so lovely. 💐Sorry no good advice, but sending you hugs.

This is the worst time for you. You are very vulnerable .

You need individual counselling . You need space to heal so should not be having contact except children issues tbh I consider this to be a continuation of how he treats you . It’s all about him.

I do not know what to advise anymore, especially given your update. Your posts are turning in to a blog, rather than a request for advice and support and I mean that kindly. As I have said repeatedly this pain is part of the natural process and will not go away for a long time.

I think Starlight is correct - this is all about him in a different way, still messing with your head and not able to commit to sorting things out.

My advice is the same -contact only regarding DC, counselling for yourself, do not get drawn into his drama.

You'll be mad to take him back.
He sounds so utterly selfish. All about him isn't it?
I give up.
Why women put up with pricks like this is beyond me.

Oh OP it's a truly shit time. There's no getting away from that.
But.... please go back to your original OP and read it through carefully.
Remember how he treated you.
How you had no chance for discussion.
He told your DC the moment you left the house that you were separating.
That was totally callous.
He's been shagging other women.

This really is all about HIM.
But this is YOUR life and YOUR decision.

I agree with a PP that you need some space.
No discussions at all.
Only messaging regarding the DC.
Try that for 2 weeks and see how you feel.

I wish we could all just show you how much better life can be without these deceitful picks in them but you won't know that until you've been through that awful tunnel. And it can be a truly dark place.
But once you see that light it's like a revelation.
Think about YOU and how you would get past all of his lies and cheating.
Could you really forgive and forget?

OP. You deserve them.