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Original poster

I need to end this right?

248 replies

PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:10

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

OP posts:
TanteRose · 18/09/2018 07:13

well, you have to say that you cannot lend him the money.
and if that means ending the relationship, then you're well rid.

DO NOT LEND HIM THE MONEY!
whatever you do...

(sorry to shout)

madeyemoodysmum · 18/09/2018 07:13

Just say no. Your not lending money to anyone. If he throws his toys out then that's your answer.

Shampaincharly · 18/09/2018 07:16

Definitely a “no “ .

Shampaincharly · 18/09/2018 07:16

No to lending.

judd0600 · 18/09/2018 07:17

This guy knows your history & he's still putting you in this situation? Really?
Just be honest & tell him how by him asking to lend money, how it makes you feel.
If he's your knight in shining armour he will back down if he he doesn't please show him the door.

Mum1g2b · 18/09/2018 07:20

Not lending him the money doesn’t necessarily mean you have to end things too.

I agree with PP, do not lend him any money at all. It’s only a short period of time you’ve been not together and the fact he’s asked to borrow money is a red flag. His reaction when you say no should tell you more about him.

How did the two of you meet? Could he have known you were financially fine from the beginning/before you started seeing each other?

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:20

It's definitely a no, not in question, it's tens of thousands of pounds.

I don't think he'll throw his toys out, I think he knew he fucked up. But what I'm afraid of is the long game, I represent a good life, and am I always going to think that lifestyle is why he's here not fully me and who I am? I've been there before.

Is it wrong of him to ask that less than 6months in or his logic that if we build a life together it makes it better for both of us niave but reasonable?

OP posts:
Move2WY · 18/09/2018 07:20

Is he asking to get himself in a good financial position to share a decent future with you? If so, you absolutely should not take on responsibility for his debt.

He shouldn’t have asked you to. But it’s not something I would break up for if that is his reasoning.

But be careful and try to understand how he got himself in that position because people bad with money are not great long term.

Celticdawn5 · 18/09/2018 07:20

Absolutely do NOT lend him money.
Do NOT act as a guarantor to any loan he may take out.
To ask for a substantial amount of money after a few months is a try on.

Move2WY · 18/09/2018 07:21

Yes it is way too soon but forgivable. Tell him you’ll help him sort his debt out in other ways (ie not go on expensive holidays) IF that is that you want.

Singlenotsingle · 18/09/2018 07:21

He's chancing his luck isn't he? We all know what he's in it for. Tell him the answer's NO, he needs to find some other mug.

HereIgoagainxx · 18/09/2018 07:22

Lend him nothing. That you told him your fears and he still asked..... Not good.

I can't believe he even asked you to be honest.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:23

mum he can't have known before, but by date three it would have been fairly clear.

I do believe he likes me, not to sound a Dick but I'm attractive and quite caring. But I've hard to work to get to all those things post divorce! I've worked hard on my physical, mental and financial health because I was a mess. I didn't date until I knew I was in the right place.

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 18/09/2018 07:23

A few months is no time. You don't know him. It's been too good to be true because it is too good to be true!!!

It's very easy to hide your flaws for a few months. But I'm afraid I suspect that he has been grooming you. Google 'love bombing'. If he's a scam artist he's laid the groundwork perfectly. Love bombing produces a physical chemical reaction that can be addictive. Don't trust your heart don't trust your head.

Ilove80s · 18/09/2018 07:26

Tens of thousands of pounds!! No way. I would let him off 50 quid till pay day but that amount is taking the mick.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 18/09/2018 07:26

ENd the relationship. He’ll ask you again down the line and when you are more ATtached, you can see it coming. Trust your intuition. You will feel and be much stronger once you’ve done it. .

RyderWhiteSwan · 18/09/2018 07:28

Asking to borrow a tenner after a few months - fine. Asking to borrow 10s of thousands? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

AsleepAllDay · 18/09/2018 07:32

No lending! Your spidey senses are tingling because you've been there before. Break it off before he runs off with your debit card or your valuables

MessyBun247 · 18/09/2018 07:35

I honestly think if him asking for money has caused such a severe reaction for you, then your intuition is trying to tell you something.

Do you want this unnecessary stress in your life?

If you still feel you want to stay with him, tell him a very firm NO. Don’t give him any reasons. Just no, I won’t ever be lending you money. Then watch his reaction.

DownTownAbbey · 18/09/2018 07:35

That should say don't trust your heart do trust your head!

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:38

Move dating has already been deliberately cheap so I didn't put him under pressure and his ask was to be in a better financial position for us both in the future.

Down just googled lovebombing and he has said he loves me and misses me horribly only a short while in.

FML he might not be an abuser like my ex, he might be genuine but even if he is I can't now ever be sure so there is no point. I feel awful for if I'm wrong and he's a nice guy who made a mistake. But would you ask?

it was wrong even to ask right? I'm not the bad guy here?

OP posts:
TanteRose · 18/09/2018 07:44

it was completely wrong for him to ask - HUGE red flag.
He is not making a mistake - I think he knows exactly what he is doing.

He might not have known before you started dating, but now he can't believe his luck that he's found a solvent person to steal from

Bananalanacake · 18/09/2018 07:45

TENS of thousands? As in the plural. Bloody hell. No way. I've read too many Take a Break magazines and this suggests scam artist. Why does he need it anyway. Drugs or gambling debt? Don't get involved with a druggie or gambler.

Bananalanacake · 18/09/2018 07:52

Sorry. Just read the money is for a better financial position in the future. That is also a big red flag. It's only been a few months. You need at least 2 or 3 years to decide about the future.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 18/09/2018 07:57

This would be a huge red flag for me. Even if he's just broke and that's the worst of it, do you really want to be building a future with someone who is crap with money? But the fact that he's asked to borrow tens of thousands a few months into your relationship is, well... Shock

I honestly don't think you would ever see that money again if you lent it to him.

My husband and I share our money now, but the most either of us has ever directly asked the other for is about 100 euro.