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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to end this right?

248 replies

PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:10

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

OP posts:

Notacluewhatthisis · 20/09/2018 04:39

Oh Plaid. You will get through this. Keep all these messages.

If you don't want to date. Don't. But don't not date because of this man. Your instincts pointed you in the right direction. You knew deep down that he wasn't lovely.

Your instincts were right. You just needed some support to follow it through.

I hope he has fucked off.

DorisLessingsCat · 20/09/2018 05:00

If he's getting nasty then you might have to ask the police to have a word with him.

Good luck for your future, you sound lovely.

Original poster

PlaidPjamas · 20/09/2018 08:03

Thank you all, he stopped in the end and just hoping its for good and I don't get any more messages.

Blocked on everything apart from WhatsApp which I will never reply to because as Joe says, I need to know if it escalates. I've kept all the messages for if it does so I can go the police route.

I'm ok, night was hard but everything seems calmer in the daylight right? Lesson learnt a. I have piss poor taste in men b. My boundaries now exist.

Thank you all for listening to me bang on about this

OP posts:

Musti · 20/09/2018 08:07

Tell him if he messages again, you'll report him to the police. Keep all this communication and do contact the police if he continues.

Don't think about dating again, but like p.o. said your senses were right. You questioned his demands and deep down you knew it wasn't right.

I've been burnt with my exes. But the way I'm going to be now is I have my own life and I'll see someone as long as I love being with them and there are no red flags. I won't live with someone again or for a long time so I can break it off easily if there are any issues.

Spend time with friends so you can get some support irl too.

Musti · 20/09/2018 08:09

I meantbdont worry about dating just now.

Redact · 20/09/2018 08:25

Do not lend him the money! To be honest this would be the end of the relationship for me. To ask someone for a loan of £10K++ after only knowing each other for a few months would make me lose any trust and respect I had for that person. It would also make me question their motives of why they were with me.

Cardiganandcuppa · 20/09/2018 08:31

OP i think you are doing really well.
I wanted to say: it is not a deficiency in you to see / hope for the best in people. Despite being hurt and let down in the past you have still been strong enough to work on your issues, brave enough to take the risk of opening up to someone, then when they have shown themselves not to be worthy of that trust you have been wise enough to take decisive action to protect yourself and end it.

Strong, brave, wise. That’s you now.

You should not look at this episode as a failure on your part at ALL. The failings here are all his.

As an aside, I found this that you wrote really helpful, so thank you, I am going to write that somewhere and think on it a bit:
“I have swung from angry to self questioning and feeling bad/sad, but I can look at those feelings dispassionately now and see them as the product of my past that I have to acknowledge but not listen to.”

Matarij16 · 20/09/2018 08:54

Well done. Took me 15 years to say no to lending money, and they were HARD years. You have saved yourself so much heartache.

Ilove80s · 20/09/2018 08:55

His reaction just shows that he would not have paid you back. Not a nice man .

PaleRider1 · 20/09/2018 10:34

Men really are Grade A Dick Heads

Glad you listened to your gut feeling, you most certainly dodged a very large bullet there.

Gemini69 · 20/09/2018 12:21

OP you did the right thing in blocking but keeping everything

category12 · 20/09/2018 12:59

Have you done the freedom programme, op? Maybe something to try?

lilybetsy · 20/09/2018 13:17

he could be my ex. I didnt hav such good boundaries and am now about £80k poorer.

block, do not engage. he was 100% in the wrong

Original poster

PlaidPjamas · 20/09/2018 13:32

Category no I haven't, to be honest I didn't even realised what the breakdown with DH was (emotional and financial abuse) until I started working with my psychologist for the rape. Although now it's clear as day but I still need to work through it. I will ask her about it?

OP posts:

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/09/2018 01:51

Hope you are ok, OP.

Original poster

PlaidPjamas · 22/09/2018 09:48

I'm ok Not thank you, I went through full distress but my counsellor has helped.

I now feel sad, I miss him, I'm wondering if he hates me as I believe he genuinely doesn't see what he does wrong, but he was wrong and became very nasty when I ended it and I have to remember it. I showed my counsellor the messages and she was genuinely upset and was very worried about how clever the manipulation techniques he used to try and get more contact were. But she said that while this was a test she wishes I hadn't gone through she was very very proud that every step I took was calm and correct and laid firm rules.

I'm feeling today like I need to remember what I used my time for before him, and that fact he absorbed my life so much in such a short space of time is a bloody clarion bell.

It's hard to miss him/the contact but I'm ploughing on because it's right.

Oh and I came on my period so everything that looked so black may lift as I always get very very down pre-period!

I'm planning nice things, focusing on a project I have, thinking of what I can do for my birthday (alone again!), stuff like that.

Thank you all so much for being there and keeping me firm!

OP posts:

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 22/09/2018 09:52

He wasn't good to you or for you. And you deserve someone as lovely as you are.

Gemini69 · 22/09/2018 11:36

you're doing great OP

Notacluewhatthisis · 22/09/2018 12:20

Op the only reason he will hate you is because you didn't fall for it.

He does know what he is doing is wrong. Because he told you he wasn't going to ask but felt like he should ask. If he really thought there was nothing wrong, then he would have have just asked, rather than justifying it with he felt he should.

He also wouldn't have got nasty. He would have felt awful and guilty that he had caused this.

I get that you miss him. But don't start caring how he feels. He didn't care how your felt when he put you in that position. Or was sending vile messages.

Take care of yourself and your feelings. We are here.

bibliomania · 24/09/2018 09:33

Sounds like you've got a really helpful counsellor, Plaid.

If he didn't realise that it was wrong, it means he has a very skewed moral compass, and there's no way you can have a good relationship with someone like that. Although Notaclue makes a good point about the way he hedged the request. He not only wanted to get away with doing a wrong thing, he actually wanted you to reassure him that it wasn't a wrong thing at all.

Gemini69 · 29/09/2018 17:03

how are you OP..

Original poster

PlaidPjamas · 01/10/2018 21:11

Hey sorry just checked back, thank you for the words of reassurance and that about wanting to not only do it but be reassured it wasn't wrong really resonated.

I'm fine thank you, easier the further I get away from it, I actually am happy a lot day to day. But only because I've shoved it all in a box again which isn't healthy long term and when I do see my counsellor the thoughts are getting darker. But she's great and we are going to work on it.

He hasn't tried to contact me again at least, so nasty and a chancer. But at least a weak non confrontational one. And I'm just pleased that while I wavered I didn't actually take any shit so vast leaps forward from where I was!

I'm actually in a pissy mood now as I have my ex DHs old friend contacting me via FB because he's gone off radar and they want me to make him call him. Reminded me of how I always had to play "cover" for his ineptness and apologise for him. We've been apart for 3 yrs and I can't get the man to pay maintenance so what can I do about it!

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 01/10/2018 21:52

I'm glad you feel improved OP... you are getting stronger OP I can hear it in your post.. Also great to hear he's stopped trying to manipulate you emotionally ..

regards the ExDH's friend contacting you... that's inappropriate now

pleased you're moving forward lovely

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