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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end this right?

248 replies

PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:10

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

OP posts:
GorgonLondon · 18/09/2018 22:44

They always want you to keep their secrets too

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2018 22:44

Hang on, you said earlier he wanted the money to enable a better financial future together ... but as you've now pointed out, he actually wants to spend it on things which "aren't yours to share"

I take back what I said - he's really not so good at this after all (or at least not when dealing with anyone with sense)

stevesmithsmum · 18/09/2018 22:48

Hey OP. you saying you need space is fine. You’ve set the conditions for a final and terminal split.

You can follow up with a text in the next few days "I’ve reflected on our chat the other night. I’ve realised that this actually isn’t working. My life is going in a different direction. I hope you can respect my decision; in any case, I’d appreciate if you didn’t contact me again."

JillyArmeeen · 18/09/2018 22:48

They all, always have had a run of bad luck. Trust me on this. Its a well known tactic to reel you in.
Please end this, forget his feelings, even asking you to lend a few hundred at this stage would be a red flag. Tend of thousands. Just no. Fuck no. That's not normal or OK and you know it..
Has he got friends op?
Long standing ones?

category12 · 18/09/2018 22:48

Is he employed or self-employed?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2018 22:49

I daren't even post details ... on here in case he finds it or the DM do and he is hurt/angry

I should have added that I really wouldn't worry - there are so many scammers like this, and they all tell such similar stories that he probably wouldn't recognise himself among the crowd

Lordamighty · 18/09/2018 22:52

He must be kicking himself now for making his move too soon.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 22:57

Jilly two, but only 1 active I think and he is just finishing paying him back a loan and living in his house while he does.

Puzzled thanks that helps.

Steves thank you, I just needed it to end to get my head straight.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2018 23:04

Puzzled thanks that helps

What, my post about him wanting it for things you couldn't share? For pity's sake don't even think of saying that to him ... he'd instantly come up with some non-existent scheme for making you a "partner" or something

Come to think of it, he'll probably do that anyway Hmm

BrevilleTron · 18/09/2018 23:06

If the money is for 'solicitors bills to release money' be wary.
If the guy has various girls names and a wolf tattooed on him and his initials are GF or BH run as he's a conman who even lied about his father dying to elicit sympathy.

JillyArmeeen · 18/09/2018 23:12

Hmm so one friend who he has also borrowed money from.
This is sounding more and more familiar.
As a pp said, these types are all pretty much the same.
Don't be surprised if his friend chucks him out and he comes crying to you.
That's what happened to mine, what I thought was a long standing friend was actually a work colleague.
Once he had his feet under my table he never saw that friend again.
Would talk about friends but never actually saw them or spoke to them.
Red flag I won't be ignoring again.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 23:15

Puzzled no about being able to post as he wouldn't recognise himself!!

Breville no that's not him! But he sounds a charmer.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 23:19

Oh but on the other post, part is to sort the business out so for "us" part is most definitely to sort his life situation.

Thing is he's probably free and clear in a few months after working hard to sort himself out so why how a down day and ask?? He said he didn't really want to ask but felt he should. Doesn't make sense at all.

FML can't believe I'm giving it this much brain space. I thought going back into dating was supposed to be fun and it really was with him, but it's like I'm a magnet for rapists and grifters Sad

I'm staying single.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 23:19

So what if you post it and he recognises himself. You aren't lying are you? What would be the awfulness apart from minor embarrassment? Nobody knows who he is. Or who you are.

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 23:19

First you have to get single. Grin

JillyArmeeen · 18/09/2018 23:30

Please don't beat yourself up op, you've spotted it and got out, it's only a few months, that's exactly what dating is supposed to be about.
You won't meet the right guy first time, I mean what are the chances?
The key is to not waste time on the wrong ones. This one is wrong and you know that. You spotted it so be proud that you were strong enough to end it.
There will probably be other things that come to you over the next few days or weeks that you will recognise as red flags now you're out of it.
Im sorry, I know it sucks, be kind to yourself

AhNowTed · 18/09/2018 23:37

Asking for thousands 6 months in is bad enough.

But the manipulative "it's to help 'our' future" puts the tin hat on it.

AsleepAllDay · 18/09/2018 23:45

@PlaidPjamas dumping him is the right move. Don't feel too sore - if you've had this in the past, you're spotting it quicker and not having it!

Online dating can be fun but absolutely let men know that lending money is a dealbreaker. There ARE men out there who don't want to scam you!

AsleepAllDay · 18/09/2018 23:47

@PlaidPjamas I suggest you watch Conman Case Files on Netflix or YouTube... that will cure you of feeling bad for him quick!

olderwhynotwiser · 19/09/2018 00:09

As others have said it was completely wrong for him to ask 6 months into a relationship. It would be questionable in a much longer relationship than that. It is easy for him to say that the borrowed money would provide financial security for you both in the future...he has nothing to lose! He could just as easily have disappeared in a few months time with your money. If he has a good plan he can borrow from a bank...if a bank wouldn't lend him the money or he won't sign up for the commitment of paying a bank loan back...then it is not safe for you to lend him the money either. You mention tens of thousands ...who asks this of another person 6 months into a relationship? Take care op. That money represents a lifetimes security for you. For the future i would not be telling friends/boyfriends or any one else details about my savings. That way you know who likes you for yourself. Best wishes.

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 05:21

OP you know this doesn't make sense.

Sorted in a few months but still needs you to borrow the money?

It's for your future, but all the actual assets will be his? Your future is you pulling him out of the shit?

Space is fine. But I am worried it's an opening for you to get dragged back in. You still believe he is a good guy with a run of bad luck. That makes me worry for you. That he will talk you round.

DownTownAbbey · 19/09/2018 06:20

Do you share lots of interests? Did you say 'I love modern jazz' and he said 'wow! Me too!' ? If so you don't click as well as you thought. He was agreeing with you to quickly form a bond and reel you in. To feel like you have a future with someone after six months is very quick so I'm wondering if he just said all the right things to you, manufacturing a feeling of compatibility.

DownTownAbbey · 19/09/2018 06:22

And you seemed convinced by him proposing a repayment schedule. He was hardly likely to say he wasn't planning on repaying was he?

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 19/09/2018 07:20

I haven't slept last night,
I'm really tired.

No Down no shared interests we just clicked and were relaxed together. In fact in terms of work, education, opinion, hobbies we couldn't be more different but we just felt happy.

I watched the conman stuff yesterday and that's not him, I've met his mum and spoken to work colleagues he's not some Machiavellian genius that entrappping me with lies. I think that way of describing people isn't helpful.

I think he's just a fool whose chucked away something good and is probably now hurting because he made me feel like a piggy bank, who could have waited, worked hard and not seen me as an easy way out. he shouldn't have asked.

OP posts:
TanteRose · 19/09/2018 07:24

oh dear - that's exactly how he wants you to think Sad

sorry, I may have missed it, but HOW exactly did he get himself into so much debt?