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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end this right?

248 replies

PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:10

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 20:59

You ok op?

I am glad you have seen him for what he is. Re read the thread again.
Look how close you got to believing him.

JillyArmeeen · 19/09/2018 21:10

Hope you're OK op.
Its shit but at least it was only a few months. And he's shown his true colours now.
He sounds awful even if not a conman, you deserve so much better.
Take care of yourself.

Shampaincharly · 19/09/2018 21:13

Thank goodness you realised. Good luck for the future!

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 19/09/2018 21:30

I'm not ok to be honest. But the difference is, I know I will be. And I know, while I had to get a little MN/friend reassurance I was right to set my boundaries and listening to my instincts does now exist.

I have swung from angry to self questioning and feeling bad/sad, but I can look at those feelings dispassionately now and see them as the product of my past that I have to acknowledge but not listen to.

So that's a positive right?

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 21:47

Huge positive!

FunSponges · 19/09/2018 21:58

At least his true colours have been revealed now OP!

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/09/2018 22:08

Big positive. Huge.

So what additional crap is he coming out with? I can’t inagine he could top the ‘you just wanted me for sex’ line but you never know Grin

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 19/09/2018 22:18

Oh he's topped that Atrocious try the fact I told him I was raped before we met and he reacted really well at the time, now it's that I should appreciate how well he reacted and most blokes would have fucked off. Nice.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 19/09/2018 22:18

As always, grammar FTW! 😁

So long as you keep your sense of humor and proper spelling, you'll be just fine. 🤣

Icepinkeskimo · 19/09/2018 22:20

One of the best pieces of advice I was given was by my business partner, "don't let any new man know your nett worth"

I hate to say it but it's true Confused I call it Quidy eyes!

Some men are moochers, it's a sad fact, OP do not become any mans ticket to ride in an expensive German sports car and worse.

No man with an once of moral fibre would request you 'lend' him a large of sum of money. The alarm bells should be going of at the mere mention of such a request.

Your pocket is your friend not 'quidy eyes'

PolkaDoting · 19/09/2018 22:22

Oh god, just block him now

JillyArmeeen · 19/09/2018 22:39

Well he really thinks he's something doesn't he.
Like you should be grateful that he was kind when you opened up about something so awful.
Any decent person would be kind, any man worth knowing would be.
Makes me think it was all an act that he found quite hard work to go against his true nature, that's why he thinks he's entitled to pay back of some kind.
Bullet dodged op.
You've done really well to trust your instinct and reinforce your boundaries.
I would block him now, concentrate on looking after yourself.

RyderWhiteSwan · 19/09/2018 22:44

It sounds awful but I'm glad he's said those despicable things after you ended it. Now you have absolute proof of how he REALLY is now you're not going to line his pockets.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/09/2018 22:44

Wow, what a disgusting, disgusting thing to say. He is really showing you who he is. He sounds quite dumb really, as well as morally (and financially!) bankrupt.

Congratulations on your freedom from this waste of molecules.

category12 · 19/09/2018 22:48

For the future, maybe don't reveal too much of your vulnerabilities/traumatic past so quickly? For a certain type of man, past abuse is a lever and ammunition. Also it creates false sense of intimacy.

Honeyroar · 19/09/2018 22:51

What a disgusting thing to say. Block him, surely you've heard enough.
And thank goodness you didn't give him any money.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 19/09/2018 22:55

Category you are right, I have learnt my lesson the hard way on that score.

Honey I probably should block at this point, I wanted some confirmation and I now have it. I think it is old paranoias that if he doesn't get his tantrum out and listened to then he may turn up on the doorstep.

Though I'm not replying so maybe that will happen anyway.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2018 22:56

I should appreciate how well he reacted and most blokes would have fucked off

How delightful Hmm

BlueAnemone · 19/09/2018 23:12

I hope you're ready to block him and move on. If you haven't done so already, the freedom programme may be helpful in addition to your counselling. 🌸 💐

JoeRich · 19/09/2018 23:28

I've been in a similar situation Plaid, save the texts/voicemails as a reminder when you're having doubts.

I confided in my ex about some nasty (sexual) stuff my previous long term boyfriend had said about me (critiscing my 'parts'). Once I told him it was over his attitude went from 'that's nasty' which is how he reacted when I first told him what my ex had said, to 'take note of what xxx said, he was right' .

One piece of advice - put in text that you don't want to see him, you don't want him to contact you and that it's over. I did this in case things escalated - I wanted proof that any contact/visits were unwanted as he started to say 'what's wrong, i thought we could sort things out'. I wanted it clear that his attention was unwanted in case I had to take it to the police.

May sound dramatic but once you've been there you realise that some people can/will behave in ways you would never do yourself.

Big pat on the back for ending it, and I know it's sad and you're prob in shock, but his reaction has confirmed what you thought.

Look after yourself Flowers PS I'm female, just realised my user name might indicate otherwise

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 19/09/2018 23:35

Fuck I thought I was handling this but now I'm shaking and in full flight mode. He's getting very very nasty.

Im never dating again.Joe I am going to take your advice on a "never contact me again" message I think. Thank you.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2018 23:53

I'm shaking and in full flight mode. He's getting very very nasty

This is surely why so many PPs advised cutting him off long before it got to this

Personally I wouldn't be sending anything which could wind him up and escalate this even further, and that includes "don't contact me again"

Just block him completely and be done with it

JoeRich · 19/09/2018 23:57

Friends told me to block his number but I wanted to know what I was dealing with and if he was messaging me, what he was saying ( I figured fore-warned is fore-armed) so I changed his number to 'do not disturb' in my Iphone.

That way I didn't get notifications when he rang/texted (repeatedly) but I could have a look if I wanted to to see if he'd been in contact and what he'd said. I was worried that things might be escalating without me knowing, ie him saying he was coming round etc etc.

I decided after this experience that I would never date again but a long term friend got me talking to a long term friend of his and despite my initial declarations that I didn't want to get involved with anyone, we've been together over a year. Taking it very slow, but I feel so lucky to have finally met a decent bloke. People say they're out there but this is the first one I've met! As PP said, wrong ones prey on women they see as vulnerable and this has been my experience for years.

It's a cliche but take some time for you. Say to yourself that you're not looking and you're happy as you are and then when you least expect it, it'll come along.

You might not be able to see this now, but believe me when you look back you'll realise why it didn't work out with him and be so relieved that you dodged that bullet. It's hard, be easy on yourself.

madcatladyforever · 20/09/2018 00:04

I would not dream of asking someone i have barely been with for a few months for large amounts of money, absolutely not. This is totally inappropriate.
He is being nice because he wants your money and will turn when he doesn't get it. Get rid.
You will find somebody else better.
This has happened to me too in the past and a new relationship begging for money is a massive red flag as far as I am concerned.

TanteRose · 20/09/2018 01:54

Oh Plaid hope you’re okay.
Fingers crossed he backs off Sad