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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end this right?

248 replies

PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:10

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

OP posts:
ahYerWill · 18/09/2018 08:02

It's very inappropriate to ask someone you have only been with for a few months for that sort of money. It is a big red flag that he might not be so great, particularly given he knows your history and has done it anyway. It's hard to bin someone you really like because of one wrong step on their part though.

The other thing to consider here is that as someone who is financially sorted, you may not be compatible with someone who's financial life is so poorly managed he's already asking for large cash injections. I'm not saying someone well-off shouldn't date someone poorer - more that you should consider whether they have the same approach to finances/life as you do. If he's financially fucked because he makes bad decisions or is a spendthrift (or worse gambling/addiction issues), you really should walk away. Trying to build a life with someone who is financially incontinent is just a recipe for stress and heartache.

Fannybaws52 · 18/09/2018 08:03

Run for the hills! You've been love bombed.

LeftRightCentre · 18/09/2018 08:05

What Toohardtofind said x 1000. End it and please do the Freedom Programme before dating again. This person targeted you. The ol' borrowing it to have a better future together is a classic tactic. And asking to borrow a huge sum a few months in? C'mon! NO ONE who's not on the take does this. And you don't owe him a face-to-face or explanations or justifications or apologies to end it either. He's not a nice guy. Just message him. 'I've been doing some thinking and I'm not happy with how this relationship is going. It's not working for me anymore. I need to move on and so I'm finishing things with us now. Best of luck in the future.x'

MarthasGinYard · 18/09/2018 08:06

'Is it wrong of him to ask that less than 6months in'

Yes

Would you have asked him vice Versa

I'd be put off personally

TanteRose · 18/09/2018 08:08

you know, I bet he starts on the "oh no, I shouldn't have mentioned it, lets go back to how things were, forget I ever asked" etc etc.

and he'll reel you back in, if you are not VERY firm. (and then he'll ask again a year or so down the line)

Please don't get sucked back in Sad

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2018 08:08

Run away

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/09/2018 08:08

As a general but fairly reliable rule, the chances of getting loans back from friends in financial trouble is slim to none. If you're prepared to gift him the money then do so but don't fall for promises, no matter how sincere, that he'll pay you back because he won't.

Gardai · 18/09/2018 08:10

It was wrong and disrespectful of him to ask you for money. I’m afraid it doesn’t matter how good looking or caring you are, if he has an end goal then those things don’t matter.
In future I wouldn’t tell a future partner about my finances for a long while. You opened up too quickly and he could be takin advantage.
Not all ruthless men are dressed like robbers, they can appear very lovely.

UatuTheWatcher · 18/09/2018 08:11

I would say no and bin him off. As you say you can never be sure now.

If you could be sure of him you could say no but I’ll help you work on getting yourself out of debt and talk to him about contacting one of the FREE debt advice agencies ( National Debtline, CAP, Stepchange or the CAB ( never pay for debt advice and help from one of the sharks.)) His reaction to that would be telling.

How did he get into such debt?

OrchidInTheSun · 18/09/2018 08:12

Ditch him. He is treating you like a cash cow already

Thebluedog · 18/09/2018 08:14

Please please please don’t lend him the money!

Regardless if how lovely he is, no sane person would ask someone they’d been seeing for the amount of time that you have to borrow that amount of money. Maybe a tenner here or there if you’re caught short but NEVER that amount

RedPencil · 18/09/2018 08:14

Say no, how he reacts will be your answer

sexnotgender · 18/09/2018 08:14

Some scam artists will play a very long game.
I used to work in fraud and saw cases where people were scammed out of tens of thousands by people they’d spoken to for months.
One lady was in it for £70k worth of loans. All in her name, I think we refunded her but can’t quite remember all the details.

finn1020 · 18/09/2018 08:18

I’m shocked that someone you’ve known for 6 months, would ask you for the loan of TENS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS. You’ve got to be kidding!! He sounds like one of those phone call scammers in person.

CraftyYankee · 18/09/2018 08:18

He said he loves you and misses you desperately? Shock

Run fast. Use the text above and then block so he can't reel you back in.

He is clearly a very good actor and can tell that your boundaries are fragile.

RUN.

LeftRightCentre · 18/09/2018 08:23

Do NOT take on his problems, either. Don't offer to steer him to debt charities if he's in debt or give advice or help with it. Just get rid. He's shown his true colours.

Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 08:23

I am sorry but what he has asked is really not ok.

I can't imagine anyone who cared about me asking that. Especially given your past.

It honestly sounds like he is love bombing you to sort his finances.

If he doesn love and care about you, he wouldn't have asked and will be ok with you saying no.

I do believe he likes me, not to sound a Dick but I'm attractive and quite caring.

As you well know, this doesn't mean you are immune from someone taking the piss or using you.

dangerrabbit · 18/09/2018 08:25

Yeah dump by text because the guy sees you as his own personal bank account.

SparklyMagpie · 18/09/2018 08:33

Christ he's a changer isn't he!

SparklyMagpie · 18/09/2018 08:33

*chancer

butlerswharf · 18/09/2018 08:35

Your intuition is right. You'll find someone better. Smile

Ilove80s · 18/09/2018 08:41

There was a woman on This Morning recently with a story just like this except of course she gave him the money.

What is his lifestyle like? What do you do together? Is he living the high life and acting as if he is wealthy or is he frugal?

L238 · 18/09/2018 08:41

I’m ashamed to say my brother has form for doing this type of thing. He’s definitely “borrowed” thousands if not more off women he’s love bombed. Quickly moves on to the next target when he’s got what he wants.
Please trust your instincts and get shot of this man. Good luck xx

Mumtobeluc · 18/09/2018 08:42

If he really valued the relationship he wouldn't ask you for even a small amount of money as he should know from your past that this would be putting you and the relationship in a uncomfortable situation. It's been a few months. When I met my partner he was well off and I was the skint one and even when I couldn't afford my bills at times I wouldn't dare ask for money especially so early on. He's scamming you and the whole second guessing yourself not wanting to believe you'd fall for that and this 'love' you could loose is part of it.

As you said you're attractive and well off and you've also worked on yourself before getting back into dating. I wouldn't waste that when you could find someone else who wouldn't put you in this situation even if it isn't a scam.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 18/09/2018 08:43

Let's put it this way. I would not ask my dad for tens of thousands of pounds. And I've known him a loooong time.

If I were you I would tell him no and see what he does. His reaction will tell you everything. But to be honest, he has shown he can't manage money at all and you clearly work hard to do so. Even if he is a genuinely lovely man who made an error in judgement, can you get over the niggle in your mind and can you spend your future with someone who has different priorities.