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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end this right?

248 replies

PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:10

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

OP posts:
DanielCraigsUnderpants · 18/09/2018 11:51

The most important thing is for you to protect yourself and be happy. Ultimately how you go about that has to be right for you.

If having read the advice here you agree this man is manipulative and you'll be sucked back in then yes, texting is probably the best way to go. Because that sort of person doesn't actually deserve a kind dumping. You just want rid.

I don't know him. I don't owe him anything either. My advice was coming from a place where you were giving him the benefit of the doubt. That he was 'normal' and not abusive but your priorities are different and saw no future.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 12:15

I still don't think he's abusive, I think he's kind and lovely and caring and just in a difficult place. Which makes me feel like I'm overreacting and don't want to hurt him.

I'm also aware my ability to spot bad behaviour and trust my gut is piss poor and a PPs comment about waiting for proof of 100% bad (which never happens) rings true.

I don't trust myself if I'm right or wrong, which leaves me vulnerable to either being used or being hurtful. Text is a selfish way but it's also self protective I guess.

OP posts:
DanielCraigsUnderpants · 18/09/2018 12:18

Maybe take a bit of time out today, talk to some of your friends in real life. You dont have to do anything right at this second.

antimatter · 18/09/2018 12:19

He is a stranger who you happen to be meeting regularly for a few month.
Would you lend that money to a colleague at work?

I can't imagine anyone knowing somebody for few months would ask to borrow money. That tells me he is a chancer and is hoping you are that nice as to actually give him that money for nothing.

He should not be putting you in this position as to say no, because he assumes you are going to agree.

Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 12:37

I think he's kind and lovely and caring and just in a difficult place. Which makes me feel like I'm overreacting and don't want to hurt him.

Which bit of asking you to get him a huge loan is kind, caring or lovely?

You barely know him.

Ilove80s · 18/09/2018 13:22

Have you actually said no to lending him the money? How has he reacted since he asked you?

WalkingTed · 18/09/2018 13:34

please say no
please walk away

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 14:01

Thanks Daniel, I've tested the water with a couple of people today and they both went "fuck no dump" and "can I have some money" it's helped me see how ludicrous this is!!

love no I went silent and changed the subject, he's got to know something is wrong.

OP posts:
Musti · 18/09/2018 14:01

Op. No-one who's only known you for screw months would ask to borrow that money. And i think they call it future faking saying it's for your future. It isn't. This man's motives aren't honourable. He's taking advantage of you. Of course he'll be charming and good at this - that's how he gets what he wants. I think your problem is like mine - I tend to judge people by my own standards and I've been burnt. I'd be very wary if you decide to carry on but if I were you I wouldn't trust him.

LeftRightCentre · 18/09/2018 14:06

Text is a selfish way but it's also self protective I guess.

And self-protecting needs to be paramount here. You have to do this whilst you, by your own admission, do not have good boundaries. Yes, he will talk you down, justify, argue, reel you back in because this is what people who make such an ask do to get what they want. This not normal behaviour. Please protect yourself here and move on from this person. Lovebombers are always wrong 'uns.

WobbleTime · 18/09/2018 14:10

He’s shown his true colours here and there’s no nice way to look at that. I’d finish it with him. Watch out in case he asks you to marry him..... another way to get his hands on your money. Run away - very fast.
I have an ex like this. Nearly ruined me. In fact this could be mine! And by the way, he was abusive. And a love bomber. And very sincere. Don’t be fooled!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2018 15:26

This guy is a bloody grafter who doesn't waste money at all, very frugal

If you'd given him the money I can almost guarantee you'd soon see another side to him. Certainly he'll know "he's messed up", but only in the sense of blowing it by asking you too soon

Countless red flags are waving in your face, so why put yourself through any more of this? Just tell him, get an Oscar ready for the injured puppy act he'll certainly throw and move on

Irinn · 18/09/2018 16:05

NO NO and NO.
Never ever give men money. Tell him that you dont lend money t anyone, thats your rule and it wont be changed.

He is talking about some future... and these money are for your future together? Are you engaged/married? If he wants a "future", he should solve his problem on his own and so show that your future wont be full of financial problems, which he will make your problems...

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 18/09/2018 17:43

Tens of thousands??? What the hell does he need it for?

DownTownAbbey · 18/09/2018 18:17

Over those months you've armed him with information about yourself that he can and has used to try and get money out of you. He's pitched himself as a 'frugal grafter'. How can that possibly be true if he needs £££?

Angelf1sh · 18/09/2018 18:49

I had intended to say “say no and see how he responds”, but then I saw your updates - TENS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS TO SOMEONE YOUVE KNOWN SIX MONTHS TO INVEST IN YOUR FUTURE?? You’d have to be insane to do anything except dump him, he’s definitely scamming you. You can already invest in a better future for yourself and any life partner because you already have the money. The only reason to give it to him is so that he can have it. The only reason he’d want cash in the bank as a lump sum (and not, for example, a few quid here and there and suggesting you buy a nicer house and he can move in or buy a nice car and he’ll drive it) is so that he can scarper with it. I’d definitely dump by text and then block all the way.

ThunderInMyHeart · 18/09/2018 18:51

It’s always so easy to see clearly when you’re the fly on the wall...but, you already know the answer by a) posting and b) your thread title.

Cut your losses.

OrchidInTheSun · 18/09/2018 19:00

He's not a grafter, he's a grifter

TheObwaldhutte · 18/09/2018 19:02

OP 'kind loving and caring' (your words) would be asking to borrow a couple of hundred tops. The sort of money this geezer is after is telphone number size. He has overplayed is all but he's at it all the same. Please don't return to victimhood. Carry on seeing him by all means if thats what you want butif he mentions the money again say you can't consider it, sorry. If he's a sticker then he'll stick. If he's a scammer, he'll make the decision for you and dump you but do not lend him any money ffs.

LeftRightCentre · 18/09/2018 19:03

Oh, it'll be all the ex's fault. She bilked him, blah blah blah, it's classic scammer script and by giving him leeway to discuss it in person you give an in to be manipulated and conned. So you have to dump by message because if you meet up with him he'll niggle and cajole his way in. You're a mark. Message and block. Playing the grafter is all part of the con.

bluetrampolines · 18/09/2018 19:06

If it walks like a duck.....

dangerrabbit · 18/09/2018 19:22

What did you do op?

Honeyroar · 18/09/2018 19:32

This is quite scary. Nobody with a normal life would ask someone they've not known long for tens of thousands of pounds, they'd ask close friend or family if anything. The reason he isn't asking them is probably because he already has. Even if he's not scamming you or using you, he doesn't have the same morals when it comes to finances. Could you live with him in the future anyway if you like to be in control of your finances and he doesn't care? I'm like you, I don't do debt. My ex (short term) ran up huge credit card bills and regularly juggled money. It didn't bother him at all but it scared me. We split but have remained friends for 14 years. I've married someone on my own wavelength. In those 14 yrs my ex has bankrupted a business, almost lost his house and wheeler dealered his way through life. We still get on, but I can't tell you the number of times I've thanked my lucky stars I'm not with him!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2018 19:33

The only reason he’d want cash in the bank as a lump sum ... is so that he can scarper with it

Indeed Hmm

I wonder if his "patchy history" with money has included him pulling this stunt before ...

tinymeteor · 18/09/2018 19:47

Don't feel bad. You're allowed to dump someone for literally any reason at all. You can end a relationship because you think they have bad taste in shoes, or they're too tidy, or you like someone else. You don't have to earn the right to dump someone, it's unconditional.

In this case you have a very, very good justification, but you don't have to justify the decision to him or anyone. Be brave, end it, and go on with your life knowing you had your own back this time.

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