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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end this right?

248 replies

PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 07:10

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

OP posts:
category12 · 18/09/2018 19:54

There's no world in which him asking for thousands of pounds is reasonable.

Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 21:32

I suspect the OP will do it. Not now. He will realise that he needs to invest more time and love bombing. The fact that the OP still thinks he loves her, is a lovely hardworker and this is for their future is really concerning.

He if really wanted to plan their future together and needed her help he would for her help sorting his finances. Giving practical support and advice while he pays it off.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 21:45

Well (and I'm really hoping he doesn't somehow stumble across MN), I called tonight and ended it.

2 hrs of profuse apologies, logic and reminding me how we feel about each other. Then saying he'll back off and give me the space I am asking for to think, as changing my mind under browbeating means this isn't my decision. I VERY nearly fell into the old pattern of apologising and saying I didn't need the space. But I DIDNT, go me.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 21:48

Well done.

But have you ended it or asked for space. Because giving space implies there is still a future.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 21:52

I said it was done.

He talked a lot.

I wavered then asked for space to think.

Hmmm maybe didn't do so well Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 21:53

Fuckity fuck fuck this is hard. I feel bad he's hurting and all the words sounded so logical, but been there got the t shirt on that score.

OP posts:
Ilove80s · 18/09/2018 21:59

Did you say you had a problem with him asking you for money?

Sally2791 · 18/09/2018 22:02

Another one saying DO NOT LEND. It was totally inappropriate for him to ask.People can be so clever with this, and play a really long game. Be glad (in a way) that he's shown his hand relatively early.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 22:03

Yes, he knew anyway, it was the only thing that's changed from us being amazing together.

OP posts:
JillyArmeeen · 18/09/2018 22:05

Jesus no.
I wouldn't even ask my best friend for a hundred quid if I was desperate.
I would go to my family first, if I was desperate, the fact he hasn't as a pp says might suggest he's exhausted everyone else's good will/bank accounts.
What does he need tens of thousands for?
I was seeing someone for 6 month's, we were still taking turns to pay for dates at that point..
My ex on the other hand, asked to borrow 93 quid after I'd known him 2 weeks, I didn't lend it but I wish I'd spotted that red flag I can tell you.
You need to Google lovebombing and true love scam.

Gemini69 · 18/09/2018 22:07

I agree with everyone OP... it was very inappropriate of Him to even ask... but you know this.. and it changed everything for you.. as of course it would.. Hmm

I believe you're doing the right thing ending this Flowers

Crumblevision · 18/09/2018 22:08

Another one chiming in saying RUN! Just out of interest (and not that it makes any difference), what is the money for? And did he give you a proposed schedule for paying it back?

JillyArmeeen · 18/09/2018 22:08

You poor thing, I'm sorry it didn't turn out, but you know what you need to do.
It will be worse when you're thousands down and kicking yourself.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 22:15

Crumble to help the business and other stuff that isn't mine to share and relates to his marriage breakdown and he did propose a fair fast repayment schedule.

He is a bloody hard worker, honestly, I believe he's had a run of bad luck. But he isn't getting how it made me feel to be asked when I'm so damaged around the whole thing. He desperately wishes he hadn't asked and we could take it back where it was.

But a PP wrote earlier "bring on the lets forget i asked and step back dance" and that rang through my head like a bell!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2018 22:20

it was the only thing that's changed from us being amazing together

Surely what it actually did was to expose his game plan?

You might want to be very careful here ... faced with a nice lifestyle disappearing into the mist he'll certainly ramp up the talk even further, and it might be unwise to overlook what he's done for the sake of that temporary "amazing"

Con artists don't get where they do by being obviously offensive - except when the mask slips of course - and they don't give up easily. Please take the greatest care of yourself Flowers

IdaDown · 18/09/2018 22:20

So he spent 2 hours browbeating you. Of course he did - his money’s trying to walk away.

Nice guy!

Sally2791 · 18/09/2018 22:22

Jilly - my ex started 2 weeks in - took me years to suss out. Any mention of money requests now and I run

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2018 22:27

He desperately wishes he hadn't asked and we could take it back where it was

Well yes; he knows he made the basic error of peaking too soon and showing his hand before he'd got you thoroughly ensnared. Already you're buying the "run of bad luck" story - just think what he'd have tried if he'd had the chance

It's a shame for him too that you have experience of financial abuse - with a less aware woman he might have got away with it

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 22:31

Ah, so, you can't split up with him because he wants, he needs, he sad. What about you?

You would be entirely reasonable to message him saying that following that conversation you had a good long think and decided you do still want to end the relationship because your luves are in such different places. Obviously you understand this is hard for him so suggest a total break, no more contact. Then block his number. He is good at manipulating you.

Original poster
PlaidPjamas · 18/09/2018 22:34

Shit I've realised I daren't even post details I want to post on here in case he finds it or the DM do and he is hurt/angry.

Much in fact like my ex did. What fresh hell of paranoia is this??

OP posts:
Crumblevision · 18/09/2018 22:36

I wonder what he would have done re his situation if you had been in a less favourable financial position? Please OP - don't waver. You have done the right thing.

GorgonLondon · 18/09/2018 22:38

He's a con artist taking advantage of your kind nature.

You need to end it and you need to do it by text , not phone.

This type of man always wants to 'talk things through' so they can bedazzle and confuse and manipulate you.

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 22:39

A run of bad luck. Riiiight. A run of bad luck that is now so completely over that he can pay back tens of thousands really fast and yet no bank will give him the money. Funny that.

Ultimately he did ask you for the money. No amount of clever rationalisation makes that OK and you know it.

That you stayed on the phone for two hours has let him know the mark is still active. He's not lost the theft yet in his mind. You are going to have to end it very firmly and ignore the sad puppy eyes (by blocking all communications is the easiest way).

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 22:40

Secret reasons that are totally valid, oh yes, but you can't tell anyone, even anonymously because because... everyone will point out how that con works!

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 22:43

Recovery from abusive relationships is hard. That's why so many women jump from one abusive relationship to another.

You have decided you want to break up and yet here you are worrying about him instead of having broken up! Red flag on yourself for retaining abused person patterns of behaviour.