I need to end this right?

[PlaidPjamas]

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

And no. You are 100% not the bad guy

I think a couple of PPs have a point, I'm not a borrower and most of the stress from my ex came from his constant money mismanagement. This guy has a very very patchy history with money but there always was a reason. So even if it's genuine we are different in our approach so it wouldn't work anyway.

I always wondered what his ex would say about him, apparently she's a drama queen whose fault all this was, and I always had a niggle wondering if her story would be totally different. I should have listened to my gut.

Dammit I've never finished anyone before I don't know how, I feel guilty like I'll hurt him!

live that's what is difficult ex likes to flash and has nothing to back it up.

This guy is a bloody grafter who doesn't waste money at all, very frugal so it didn't set off my sensors.

Dammit I've never finished anyone before I don't know how, I feel guilty like I'll hurt him!

Just send him a text or message. You don't owe him anything else and you really need to take a break and do something like the Freedom Programme because you have no reason to feel guilty. The patchy history with money (but always an excuse), labelling his ex a drama queen and blaming her for his financial problems, the lovebombing and then asking to borrow money are all very big red flags, more like sails than flags.

Message him something like I wrote. Then you block.

He targeted you.

Just message him. 'I've been doing some thinking and I'm not happy with how this relationship is going. It's not working for me anymore. I need to move on and so I'm finishing things with us now. Best of luck in the future.x'

just send him LeftRightCentre 's message from upthread.

and then block him.

ha, xpost with LeftRC

You'll hurt him alright - he'll be gutted that his new victim hasn't paid up! In the nicest way, he may like you well enough as a person but he will NOT have your interests at heart, or ever put them above his own. Since he won't prioritise you, male sure you prioritise yourself by saying a loud firm NO.

Also, run away!

This guy is a bloody grafter who doesn't waste money at all, very frugal so it didn't set off my sensors.

If he were a real grafter he'd never in a million years dream of asking to borrow money from you months in.

It’s always the ex’s fault, or someone else’s fault.

I bet my ex says the same about me except I bailed him out more times than I can count.

Dying to ask your name sex, there should be a sodding MN list of wanker exs!

Haha, I’m sure it’s not the same one. Unfortunately wanker men are ten a penny!

@PlaidPjamas I think you've done amazingly well to get your physical, mental & financial health into good shape.
Congratulate yourself on this, and please, under no circumstances, allow anyone to disrupt it.
Just say NO!!

He is a frugal grafter with a history of money issues?

Doesn't add up? Screams drug or gambling addict to me.

Woah 10s of thousands??? That has lots of alarm bells! What does he need it for?

An ex of mine was crap with money. Blamed his debts on his ex wife, I paid off all his credit card debts so we didn't have to pay lots on interest but soon after he was at it again. We had a good combined income yet managed to be in the red every month. Whilst I should have been enjoying my new baby, I was just worried about every bill that came through the letter box and what else he'd spend money we didn't have on - he bought a car that cost more in monthly payments than our mortgage etc.

Whether he's crap with money or a scammer, I'd run now. You've already known the stress of being in that situation and he should never have asked you for that money. My friend bailed me out with £2k when I was with that ex to pay for an unexpected car bill but we'd known each other since we were 10 and I didn't ask her. She offered and insisted and knew that I would pay her back (Which I did). I would never have asked her though.

I always wondered what his ex would say about him, apparently she's a drama queen whose fault all this was, and I always had a niggle wondering if her story would be totally different. I should have listened to my gut.

THIS - do yourself (and your self esteem and your confidence) a favour and listen to your gut.

I have RTFT and there are a few things that stand out :

1. Your boundaries are fragile and yet this caring, too good to be true person asked for money anyway.

2. He asked for tens of thousands of pounds??? As a PP has said, I'd not even ask my dad for that kind of money! His request is, at best, hugely inappropriate, but more likely a deliberate ploy to use you - and I'm sorry because I realise that is hurtful.

3. He wants a significant chunk of your money (and future security and independence) in return for a "better shared future" after less than 6 months? NO. Just no. If he gave a toss about your happy, independent, fully-recovered-from-financial-abuse future, he'd not be asking for the means by which you might have it.

You are never the bad guy for protecting yourself, and at less than 6 months, you owe him nothing. You won't be hurting him, he'll live, and if he tries to guilt you about not wanting the same things and not being as invested as him in the relationship, you know you've dodged a bullet.

I may be in the minority here. I don't like the idea of finishing with him by text. At least call him and have the conversation if not in person then on the phone.

Yes he may well be a shitty fraudster. You weren't sure yourself if he is though and you said he had other nice qualities. Its not a race to the bottom.

Finish the relationship respectfully and you can't ever doubt what you did.

Part of recovering from abuse is learning how to say no, learning how to dump people even when it hurts the dumpee.

Everyone meets or dates potentially abusive men or plain old dickheads. Everyone. The women with good boundaries dump them quick, even if the man does the saddest face ever, says she is a big unfair meanie, lovebombs her like mad.

The women who end up in the bad relationships don't get rid of the bad ones quickly enough. They wait for 100% confirmation of 100% badness (which never comes) instead of getting rid at the first or second red flag / bad gut feel.

Learn to dump. Your whole life will be better for it.

Female socialisation Daniel. The OP owes him nothing.

Daniel is bang on. However, I wouldn't necessarily end it with someone over this. I would be astounded by their cheek absolutely, but if I was otherwise having a bloody good time, I'd brush it off and carry on. Some people are proper shit with money, doesn't make them awful people.

Thank you all, I'm reading and absorbing all of this and it helps.

Actually I believe that when in a relationship with someone of either sex, friendship or otherwise, it is the respectful thing to do to end it face to face or on the phone. That's not about me being socialised into a certain way, it's about what I think is right.

Rabbits has it right, learning to say no, and walk away is a vital life skill. If you want a healthy proper partnership you need to be able to filter out the also rans early on. It sounds like you know there's a fundamental incompatibility here.

There isn't a nice or easy way to dump someone, so if you're worried about it, firstly figure out what you're going to say (and how) and have it down pat.

Don't give him any points to argue. 'you're bad with money' will lead to him arguing he can change and be better (he won't). Make it vague and about your feelings - 'I don't see a future for us' or 'This isn't working for me'.

Use the old shit sandwich technique to soften the blow a little : 'I've really enjoyed our time together and you're a lovely guy. Unfortunately this isn't working for me, so I think it's best if we stop seeing each other. I hope you find someone special in future'.

Be firm, and make sure you do it in a way that you can leave/disconnect easily afterwards. Don't invite him to your place in case he's difficult about leaving, or be reliant on him for eg getting a lift home.

No.

The OP has poor boundaries and this guy is a master manipulator. If she ends things 'respectfully', there is a very good chance she'll end up being drawn back in again. I don't think she can afford to treat him with respect, even if he weren't an odious human being

Orchid spot on, and even if I can see that clear as day I'm going to argue and cave myself into a corner!

ah that helps give me words thank you