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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2018 21:59

Oh dear, it must have been really disappointing the ring didn’t appear. He might have thought you liked it as jewellery and as A ring rather than THE ring.

Have a proper talk with him. Be honest about how you feel! It’s your life too, your family and your relationship. Marriage shouldn’t be something he bestowes on you, for lots of people it’s a joint decision and that’s how it should be. It’s much more romantic to jointly agree to make your commitment official than for one person to be in the dark while the other may or may not be planning to scatter rose petals off the eiffle tower or whatever!

Hints aren’t working and you’re no clearer on what he wants so why don’t you tell him you want to be married and to set a date by x time - before your baby is due maybe? - and see what he says.

category12 · 05/09/2018 22:03

Stop goofing around and have an actual conversation about marriage - this is a guy you're living with and have dc with, you can have a sensible discussion about your future, surely?

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:04

I'm nervous to "put it on his toes" in case it pushes him away, if you know what I mean?

When we got together I did have a nose through his social media and could see posts from years ago where he'd be gushing about his beautiful "fiancé"

It makes me feel as though I'm not good enough to marry, but good enough to lay with Sad

OP posts:
subspace · 05/09/2018 22:05

When was your birthday? He might be waiting to surprise you. But, if marriage is important too you, you should definitely have a chat with him see if you're on the same page or not.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:06

I don't want it to seem like I'm railroading him into marriage if its not something he wants, and all the signs are telling me that its not.. Which leaves me in a shit situation as somebody who's committed to this man and given him two children

I suppose I'm worried about it being made clear he doesn't want to marry me

I do agree I need to have a proper discussion, I just feel as though I'm going to look a bit desperate

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:07

My birthday was in March

I also hoped Valentine's day could have been "the day" but nope

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 05/09/2018 22:08

I often wonder how people have sex together but can't seem to discuss things. Have you ever discussed marriage Op? Surely something must have been said when you started having kids together!!!!

That not withstanding why can't you just ask him to marry you, cut out the "nod and a wink"

Booksareforkids19 · 05/09/2018 22:08

Have you discussed marriage prior to having kids?

For myself, marriage doesn’t necessarily mean total commitment. But if you desire that, then be straight forward about it. Being open and talking about serious issues/ feelings bring couples together.

Haireverywhere · 05/09/2018 22:08

This may be off the mark but when I got engaged it was three months after an amazing holiday to Paris for my birthday - everyone told me he'd propose! We got back and he said he was actually going to propose but didn't want it to be on an occasion already in the calendar but a true surprise. I was upset I'd ruined it and shut up and he proposed a few months later and it was a lovely surprise

BrioLover · 05/09/2018 22:09

I couldn't live like this. Personally I would just say to him "I'd really like to be married before the baby is 1, it would mean a lot to me, what do you think?"

You'll know from his reaction!

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:09

Because I'm scared of rejection, i'm quite sure its not what he wants and if he did agree then it would only be because its what I wanted to hear

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 05/09/2018 22:10

Stop hinting and have an adult conversation!
Being unmarried means you get jack shit of any assets he builds up while you are raising his kids if you split, you don't get his pension, you can't make decisions if he goes into a coma. It is a serious life decision that should be made by two adults talking it through not some romantic gesture that you have to hint at fgs

helpmum2003 · 05/09/2018 22:10

That sounds disappointing.....

Do you have any legal protection? Eg on mortgage/ tenancy. Pension rights. You are vulnerable if not married.

bethy15 · 05/09/2018 22:10

I think if you've had two children with him, why be scared to ask for a commitment of marriage?
You are already now more committed than a marriage by bringing two lives into the world. Just have a conversation about it.

NynaeveSedai · 05/09/2018 22:10

if he did agree then it would only be because its what I wanted to hear

So what? So what if he only marries you because you ask him to? You need it.

NynaeveSedai · 05/09/2018 22:11

Because I'm scared of rejection

You think he thinks you're good enough to have babies with but not commit to in marriage? Confused

category12 · 05/09/2018 22:11

What happens if the message is that he will never want to get married to you? Is it a dealbreaker or will you stay?

Sailinghappy · 05/09/2018 22:12

Tel him how you feel. You don’t need to whine or nag him (not suggesting you are doing that btw) but at perfectly possible to sit down and discuss marriage in ana duly way and tell him how you feel, what you want out of the relationship and ask him to share what he wants too. You need to know.

KanielOutis · 05/09/2018 22:13

Engagement has no standing in law, so him being engaged twice before means nothing. It sounds as though the protection and security of marriage isn't going to come from him.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:14

We've lived together for over two years, the place is in both of our names.

I think the fact I feel so uncomfortable about raising it with him says a lot about our relationship.

He did know that long term I'd like to be married, at the start of the relationship I did say I wanted the full family setting. Kids. Marriage. He never did confirm whether marriage would be on the cards but I assumed once we'd discussed children and had them, marriage would follow

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:15

I think not marrying would be a deal breaker for me long term, as I'd be sacrificing something that's important to me and I'll grow to feel bitter about the fact I was never "wife material" in his eyes.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 05/09/2018 22:16

I assumed once we'd discussed children and had them, marriage would follow

God why do women fuck themselves over this way over and over?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/09/2018 22:18

I agree with PPs. This is your life! Tell him, 'I want to be married by the time the baby is born.' You don't need a 'wedding'. You can go to the register office on a rainy Wednesday morning. The main thing is you will be married.

We are no longer in an age where women should feel they have to wait around to be 'chosen', and having children with someone but being funny about marrying them (if there is no mutual agreement not to marry) is, tbh, ridiculous.

SleepFreeZone · 05/09/2018 22:18

My DP was very unsure about marriage and I’d kind of accepted we would never get married. He surprised me by proposing on my 40th birthday. When we talked about it afterwards he had to have a strong chat with himself apparently and work out why he hadn’t taken that next step. It has definitely brought us closer together (although we are still not married as we then had another child abd four miscarriages abd were renovating the house etc etc). It will happen though!

category12 · 05/09/2018 22:18

Tbh you should have gone for marriage first before having dc, if it was important to you.