DP doesn't want to marry me

[NC4THIS11]

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

Given his history of engagements
Maybe his history of engagements - as in, he's been engaged twice but neither have turned into marriage - is what has put him off getting engaged again?

When wedding programs would come on TV he'd talk a lot, he likes that he doesn't like that, that dress is nice etc. Oh what a lovely wedding.

In blind hope I always took him showing an interest in other peoples marriage as showing an interest in marrying me, he tends to avoid those programs now though?

There was one occasion we were walking in the city with DD and there was a couple taking photographs having just married, her in her dress and him his suit. I turned to DD and said you'll be wearing one of those one day and DP then responded to me and said "we'll get you one!"

There's been a few times I felt he'd like to but then come to my senses because he clearly doesn't.

Definitely need a sit down talk.

The question in my mind would be why 2 broken engagements. He had 2 kids with his Ex and never married her. Now you're going to be in the same position as her.

He's had a relationship of 3 years. .one of 7 years (2 kids) and no marriage.

I think he has an issue with commitment and he probably gets engaged to placate his GF at the time...with no actual intention to marry them.

Don't be a SAHM when you're not married. It leaves you vulnerable financially.

His first fiancé returned to her home country, his second (DC's mum) kept putting off a wedding then he found out she'd cheated on him. They split up after that.

He has been burned but knows I'd never do the same, I'm an old romantic and I take monogamy seriously.

The only logical reason I can think of other than me not being wife material is that he knows his DC's mum will be a bitch about it, we're always accused of playing happy families with 'her children'

Something DP never accuses her of despite the fact she's also in a relationship.

He's a very laid back man, he doesn't like conflict, arguing or any sort of drama.

Unfortunately there has been a bit of the latter since his ex became aware he was in a serious relationship, we've had all sorts of crap from her but that's another thread.

It seems to me that you have a big complex about not being “wife material” which is ridiculous when you actually have no idea what he thinks because you haven’t asked him!!!

Absolutely Emma

His lack of proposal or discussion of marriage has made me insecure because I know he's sought this from other relationships.

I've decided to woman up a bit and have the conversation I just need to figure out how to put it, 1) so I don't come across as insecure and 2) so it doesn't seem as though I only want to marry him for the security

You should definitely just speak to him about it.

I've had the discussion several times with my DP. After the first time, I was pretty much banned from mentioning it again and ever time I did he got all moody.

Long story short, I'm still waiting. Although we reached a deal and apparently he's going to ask before the end of the year. We shall see about that.

I'm no domestic goddess (I keep a clean house but his ex used to do absolutely everything for him - (including cheat!)

I think that contributes to me wondering whether he doesn't see me as wife material

Its all quite juvenile and pathetic when I read it back. I'm going to speak to him tomorrow.

It is insane that you live with this man and have conceived 2 children but are too scared to be honest with him and tell him what you want, you are giving him all the power. Also stopping obsessing about what his previous partner thinks or wants, their relationship is history. Don’t even bring her up in conversation as again you are just betraying your anxieties. Just focus on you and your partner.

@luciusmxlfoy good luck I hope you get your ring soon!

Do you know what, OP. I think you should stop worrying about you being "wife material" and ask yourself honestly if he is "husband material". Is he good enough for you? Stop thinking of marriage as something he bestows upon you as a reward or a favour and start thinking about yourself as someone that he should be damn glad to marry - the only question should be is he good enough for you.

@pallisers

You are absolutely right. Despite the fact I've done the kids-marriage thing in the less traditional order (idiot!) I'm very old school and traditional in my beliefs about love and commitment, so I've always thought the man would be the one to propose when he finds somebody he wants to share his life with. I need to stop putting him on a pedestal and hoping he'll see my worth as a wife as well as a mother, and start seeing my worth myself

I'm going to put the cards on the table tomorrow over dinner

What do I even say? Its going to come out all wrong knowing me and my tendency to put my foot in it

His Ex has no right to accuse you of playing happy families after she cheated on him.

She should be irrelevant in his decision to get married. As she cheated...I'd have thought he could boldly tell her...he can do what he likes with his kids and GF since she destroyed the relationship by cheating. That should shut her up.

I'm suprised she has the cheek to say that after her behaviour. A lot of men would have put a stop to that nonsense.

She's really just jealous of you and your relationship with him. People react with emotions when they love or hate their Ex... and even the hate shows they still have feelings...Otherwise, the new partner wouldn't bother them.

She's not over him despite her cheating. Some people are suprised the betrayed one isn't interested in reconciling.

He's moved on and despite 2 kids together (which she might have thought would keep him) it's over for her.

Him potentially worrying about her feelings...may also be a sign of something too.

@SandyY2K I agree with everything you've mentioned there.

It is a concern to me why he's so bothered about what she'll do and say. He didn't want us meeting at first because he knew she'd turn her nose up at me and make me feel awkward, she did exactly that although I did and still do try to be civil. The woman is a pain in the arse and he does still tread on eggshells so as to not rattle the bees nest.

There's been a few times in the past (a lot) where she's asked him not to include me in his activities with the DC, sometimes he will agree just to 'keep the peace' although that happens less now we have DC of our own.

If you're so traditional then why didn't you marry him before having a baby? You said your first was planned so when you were talking about that then why not talk about marriage too. Having children with him is a clear sign of commitment.

If he doesn't want to get married then will you leave him?

Man refuses to commit to woman
Man blames his ex for refusal to commit to woman
Woman blames ex and herself for man's refusal to commit

WTF.

It's all too late now, you've had DC by him. Come on, get the info from the registry office and get that legal contract signed to protect yourself and DC. End of

Couple of things -

• don't bring up your dd with a wedding as an aspiration (the "you'll be in a wedding dress one day" thing) . Gets you in this kind of mess where waiting for the romantic bs leaves you in a financial and practical hole.

• Don't become a sahm. How vulnerable you would be alarms me.

• Value yourself higher. You sound like you have no power in the relationship and it's all about what he wants. He ain't all that. He's just a bloke. You happen to love him, but just a bloke.

It's not your job to compete with his exes or be a perfect housewife. He's supposed to love you back and you shouldn't be scrabbling about wondering if you're "good enough" to marry. Maybe he's not good enough to marry. Do some rebuilding work on your self esteem, it's sad to read that about housework. Sounds like you're straight out of the 1950s. It's his job too to contribute to household chores and childcare. You're getting the shitty end of the stick, by accepting all the "wifework" and not having the protection of marriage.

Don't give up your job. Cannot emphasise this enough!

Tell him that for your own security and future you need a way to support yourself and the children if you split so you're not giving up your job and you will jointly have to make childcare arrangements and if he earns more it's likely he will bear the cost.

I would also consider going back full time after mat leave unless you are a high earner.

Ex is s red herring, this is about you and him.

You're not an idiot for having children first, many, many people do it. For some reason this particular situation seems to elicit sone really harsh responses on Mumsnet!

Now that you have decided how important marriage is to you, explain it to him in just those terms- that you would like the security and stability of marriage now that you have children with him.
It doesn't have to be an awkward conversation, and neither do you need to tiptoe around in case he feels pressured- he's an adult, and a father!!

I really hope you get the outcome you want 🙏🏻

Opalescent: It's not harsh, it's just you're so vulnerable financially and practically if you reduce your hours or become a sahm unmarried. All the risk is on the woman and they overwhelmingly take the hit on lifetime earnings and pensions. Romantic it isn't. Bringing up dc in poverty is even less.

I would imagine if his last fiancé cheated on him, that would make him less, not more, likely to get engaged.
You are in quite a weak position but if you haven’t had a proper conversation about it (can’t imagine not doing so when planning your child but its done now!) you don’t know whether he’s being a bit of a dick trying to have his cake and eat it, or whether he’s a bit burnt.

It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

I don't agree with this. Maybe his ex's pushed for the engagement and the weddings didn't transpire because that was not what he wanted. Maybe after getting engaged there was a shift in the relationship and he is scared the same thing will happen between the two of you.

You need to ask him though. It's not fair on either of you. You making assumptions and him letting past relationship mistakes affect your relationship now.

Just have a conversation, put it all on the table and tell him that you would like to be married to him eventually. Say you are not pressuring him to pop the question right now or even this year, you just want to know where you stand and whether marriage is ever on the cards. Based on his reply, you will either be satisfied for now and stop thinking about it for the moment and concentrate on the new baby or you will have some serious thinking to do.

I think you need a very serious and frank conversation with him about what you want and how you both feel about the future. I'd have been disappointed too.