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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
SilverLining10 · 08/09/2018 19:51

Op he gave you very, very clear insight into what hes really like but you chose to ignore it. What did you think 2 engagements with two other children meant? Why on earth would you think you were better than that? Why would security for your child be different from his other kids? You have to take responsibility as well for being in this situation as he was pretty clear what he is about.
I'm really sorry its come to this but if this isn't your wake up call then I'm not sure. Hes clearly told you where he stands and any further discussions comes across as begging or ultimatums into marriage. I hope you leave and find what you deserve.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 08/09/2018 20:18

I'm afraid that I have very little sympathy. If marriage was so important to you, that should have been made clear before you had a baby together. Call me old fashioned and any other names you like, but I wouldn't have had a baby with a man I wasn't married to. I never understand this...

NotTheFordType · 08/09/2018 20:31

I now work part time and she's in childcare whilst I work half of the week. It was agreed between us that this would be what happens.

Im sorry, you sat down with your partner's ex and discussed both of your work-life schedule?! I cant even

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 08/09/2018 20:35

@NotTheFordType haha my DD! Not his ex. Its my DD who's in childcare. Me and DP sat down and discussed, not me and his ex

@LadyMonicaBaddingham that's OK I'm not really looking for sympathy, just guidance and words of wisdom which I've had in abundance on here. There's no point me dwelling on the past now, although yes I should have pushed for marriage sooner. Hindsight is a wonderful thing

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 09/09/2018 07:33

When someone feels pushed into a corner and has 2 choices (either capitulate or walk away), they are making their decision under duress.

Whilst he may capitulate, in his heart of hearts he is undertaking the solemn act of legal union in marriage against his own gut feeling on the matter.

Some people can't believe in marriage, no matter what the outside world tells them. He may resent being forced into it, even if he caves in, maybe even temporarily gets caught up in it and tries to convince himself it's the right thing to do, actually it goes against the grain.

These big life decisions must be done willingly and enthusiastically by both people, for it to be meaningful and enduring. Fact is, you can't take the milk out the cappuccino because you have DC together. Definitely proceed with caution and don't be caught up in any euphoria- it may be short-lived. Have a plan B in your back pocket!

troodiedoo · 09/09/2018 07:41

lot of snidey comments. unnecessary.

daisychain01 · 09/09/2018 07:44

Your Plan B ought to be around getting yourself into a position of strength and that includes ensuring your financial position is fully protected, such as your own source of income, house in joint names and your name on the mortgage (which will ensure you have a strong credit rating for the future). Get yourself your own credit card, use it even if only for weekly shopping. Pay it off in full every month, so it contributes to your credit score.

Do everything you can to be a stand-alone person in this relationship, with your own identity. Even if it doesn't get to the point of marriage, if you love him and still want to stay together then you always have choice. Get yourself sorted over time, do it to suit you, then you're living your life on your terms not his.

daisychain01 · 09/09/2018 07:47

troodiedoo sadly yes. Love how people just want to be smuggy mcsmuggerson not actually recognise the OP wants to move forward in this situation not beat herself up at their behest because she didn't do things their way!

AynRandTheObjectivist · 09/09/2018 09:46

It's not forcing anything on someone to set out your own deal breakers and to part ways if you want different things.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 09/09/2018 10:41

A proposal from this man would be pretty worthless since he has already admitted getting engaged to shut another up.

Hopefully friday will have him willing to listen instead of shutting down and avoiding. You can decide what you want to do when you hear what he has to say.

Unfortunately if he does change his mind and you agree, you will know he is not marrying you for love (even if he loves you) but at least you will have more security. I would avoid being a sahp though, not when you don't trust him.

LusaCole · 09/09/2018 11:51

I don't think there's any need to split up over this, OP. You love him and your relationship is good overall. It's great that you're planning to go back to work full time and share childcare costs evenly. And it's good that you've been open and honest about it all (better late than never!). I'd be very disappointed if I were you, but I don't think I'd end it.

Have a nice date on Friday Smile

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2018 12:33

Whether you split or stay together get things sorted out legally.

Draw up wills, sort out NoK, sort out pensions and finances.

Do everything marriage would do without the frocks and the fuss.

sofato5miles · 09/09/2018 12:45

Are there any assets?

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2018 12:51

Very happy to be pleasantly surprised but my best guess for Friday is he will explain marriage isn’t for him, the op isn’t the same as the previous girlfriends and he will take care of her. Which is the point where she says denying me rights as your next of kin isn’t taking care of me, it means that in any truly bad scenario - car crash, cancer death, I’m out in the cold. Hence i have to work full time And we split childcare costs, pick up drop off and all housework if we stay together, as I need to be able to take care of myself.

LilianL · 09/09/2018 13:34

Again I would reiterate discussing this with a friend (or you sound like you've a good relationship with your Mum).
Don't do something you may regret.
Equally, don't do nothing and regret it even further down the road.

Figure out for yourself (we can't), whether it really is a deal breaker or not, and more importantly WHY.

Tell him that and then don't make a snap decision, stew on it and sleep on it and talk to someone about it and work from there.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 09/09/2018 13:47

Do everything marriage would do

Not possible, although you can certainly do some stuff.

NameChange30 · 09/09/2018 13:51

“Do everything marriage would do without the frocks and the fuss.”

It annoys me when people say this. All that stuff is what marriage is FOR. Marriage is not about “frocks and fuss”. You can literally go to the registry office and get a marriage certificate. It’s a lot cheaper and easier than paying a solicitor to try and replicate all the stuff that marriage does without actually getting married.

Plus as a PP said there are some things you can’t replace such as the inheritance tax exemption (not that it’s relevant for everyone or bothers them).

It’s fine if a couple agrees not to get married but let’s not pretend you can replicate marriage completely - and there would be no point replicating it anyway when you can just get married!

PrimalLass · 09/09/2018 14:08

Maybe just link to the other two threads about this in the last couple of weeks rather than posting another argument about it on the OP's thread.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 09/09/2018 14:50

Nobody is arguing, we are correcting misinformation. You cannot replicate marriage and it is indeed not about "frocks and fuss". That kind of bollocks is exactly why so many men are able to lead women on for years.

I know from the other threads that you don't like that, but it's true and relevant to OP's situation. Although she knows it too.

NameChange30 · 09/09/2018 19:46

I don’t think it’s helpful to the OP to patronise her by telling her that she can replicate marriage with something else. The fact is that she wants marriage. It’s up to her to keep talking to her partner about why marriage is important to her and why he doesn’t want it. Then if he doesn’t change his mind it’s up to her to decide whether she can accept that or not.

Personally I think marriage is ideal (as is probably crystal clear from my posts!) and it was important to me to get married before having children, but I respect that not everyone wants to get married or cares particularly. The op’s situation is unfortunate given her strong feelings about marriage but fwiw, I think that given that she already has a child (soon two) with this man, she owes it to them to consider staying if the relationship as a whole is good. It sounds as if things are not perfect regardless of the marriage issue so I would suggest discussing / working on all the issues and not just that one.

PrimalLass · 09/09/2018 20:57

I know from the other threads that you don't like that

No you don't as I've never argued you could.

PrimalLass · 09/09/2018 21:03

I have no problems with marriage whatsoever. I'm just not in a blind panic about it like some MNers think I should be. The OP wants that and I hope her DP sees sense.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 09/09/2018 21:08

Like I said, nobody is arguing. We are simply correcting misinformation, of the kind that has a tendency to fuck a lot of women over.

OP obviously knows what marriage is, but it's clear from many threads about it that a lot of people don't. So it's important to have that clarity. It's the only way people can make informed decisions that are true to themselves.

Scott72 · 09/09/2018 21:29

You can't duplicate the main property of marriage, which is the court ordered splitting up of assets in the event of divorce. You can still duplicate most of the other properties though.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 09/09/2018 21:42

There is the IHT exemption, although the threshold to that is quite high so it doesn't always apply. There are a couple of other things too.