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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 19:40

I just tried to talk to him and he stuttered, changed the subject, then fell asleep!

I guess that's my answer then.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 19:42

I predicted a reaction like that one, I know him. When he doesn't want to talk about something he changes the subject so flippantly. Sad now

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 19:44

Conversation went as follows

Me: I'd like to talk about marriage
Him: oh ermmm wow did you hear that (EastEnders)

I go silent, deflated. I turn around a few minutes later and he's dosing off.

He's awake again now and saying nothing. I'm clearly wasting my time so won't waste any more of his.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 19:46

This is a perfect example of why I was scared to raise it. I knew he'd develop selective hearing and not want to discuss at all. I'm not going to make myself look desperate. Fuck him

OP posts:
category12 · 06/09/2018 19:47

Try again. "Hey, father of my dc! I'd like to talk about us getting married."

Butterymuffin · 06/09/2018 19:48

You don't have to look desperate OP to ask him why he didn't want to listen when you brought up the subject. He owes it to you to at least have a grown up conversation. He comes out of it looking bad, not you, as it stands.

category12 · 06/09/2018 19:49

Isn't it more desperate to be palmed off by him rather than getting an answer?

Paddley · 06/09/2018 19:51

What a little shit. Are you sure you want to marry him?

elmo1980 · 06/09/2018 19:51

Please don't let him get away with that op he needs to know it's not just about a sparkly ring and fancy wedding. You need to have a conversation with him, surely this is too important to just let it go?

MyOtherNameChangeIsBetter · 06/09/2018 19:54

Please don’t let him do this to you. I don’t know if you’ve seen the recent thread about rights in marriage but I was on that talking about my dp not wanting to get married and it’s really opened my eyes to all the issues. You are good enough to have his children, good enough to be given the protection of marriage.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 19:56

It is important, very important.

I'm absolutely furious with him right now so any further attempts at discussing it is going to become all about me being angry Sad

He's on nights this week, he's going to work shortly. I'll bring it up again when he's on his break.

What a fucking arse

OP posts:
Movablefeast · 06/09/2018 20:00

Don’t let him deflect and avoid issues that you want to air. There is no way you can build a marriage on this kind of behaviour. Men and women do this and it’s just an avoidance tactic. This is VERY important to you OP and is about the rest of your life your hopes, dreams, fears and ability to plan and know what to expect in your future.

You have already done so much that is meaningful together you live together and are parents! Just because he is avoidant doesn’t mean you have to give up. Don’t be aggressive but be assertive and get a time when there are no distractions and tell him it’s an important conversation that you need to have.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/09/2018 20:01

This is your decision and your life, OP, and I know it's easy for me to sit here and make hypothetical decisions.

Still, I cannot help but feel that a man who will not make this legal commitment to you, even after you have had his children, and will not even validate a discussion about it, does not prioritise you in the way I would expect my life partner and the father of my children to do. Damn straight you do not need a huge expensive wedding, a ring or any traditional vows. It's a legal contract, the rest is dressing...and how he feels about you.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 20:01

I used a conversation being had on the TV to bring it up. Two characters were discussing marriage, I turned to him and said what does marriage mean to you? He didn't answer me, I said hey I asked you a question to which he then replied "I dunno"

That's when I came out with it and said I'd like for us to talk about marriage.

I can tell in hindsight he started panicking the minute I asked what marriage meant to him, he saw it coming so he'd already shut down by the time I said I'd actually like to talk about marriage.

Don't feel like raising it with him at all now if I'm honest, I shouldn't have to hen peck him. He can fuck off if the thought of marrying me fills him with dread

OP posts:
CountessVonBoobs · 06/09/2018 20:02

Don't let him get away with that shit. Fucking yell. It is bullshit. "Excuse me, I brought up a really FUCKING IMPORTANT ISSUE. Don't pretend you didn't hear me, YOU COWARD."

You have every right to be angry. Don't let him tell you otherwise. What a pathetic little manbaby.

Movablefeast · 06/09/2018 20:08

What is his family like OP? Are his parents together? Are his parents able to talk about things openly? Sometimes this stuff is learned behaviour, it doesn’t mean he gets way with it but in my DHs case his parents never talked about ANYTHING and in fact were fantastic at living in denial so DH literally had never seen his parents have a constructive conversation about difficult topics (needless to say they are divorced). Over the length of our marriage we have got much better at airing topics and trusting each other to listen and figure it out.

So I guess my point is, just because it is difficult don’t give up and he can also learn how to talk things through with practice. Just like you are learning not to be afraid to speak up for yourself and not be ashamed that you want something totally reasonable - a permanent legal commitment from the man who likes to live with you and make kids with you!

Movablefeast · 06/09/2018 20:09

Sorry x-posted

Theworldisfullofgs · 06/09/2018 20:20

Maybe you just need to ask him why he won't or can't commit to you in terms of marriage.

Be really clear that you want an answer and that you are prepared to walk away.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 20:21

His parents are divorced and he's always been a 'bury his head in the sand' sort. We've spent years working on communication, mostly no no avail on his part.

I'm an open communicator and he's a very closed book, it does cause problems and this isn't the first time I've felt like screaming at him because of similar responses to other important discussions.

If I wasn't feeling insecure before I am now. I'm going to send him a text later on explaining calmly how he's made me feel. He can't ignore something written in black and white, whereas ignoring me seems to be second nature.

I don't nag him, quite the opposite.

Fucking arsehole he can be.

OP posts:
luciusmxlfoy · 06/09/2018 20:22

So sorry, OP. Sad

But a previous poster is right, you need to tell him why you're angry.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 20:25

Oh I will be doing Sad

I can already premeditate his response. He's going to pretend he didn't hear me and was 'zoned out' either absorbed in the TV or falling asleep.

He heard me alright, but he'll insult my intelligence pretending otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 20:33

I literally feel like telling him to join me in figuring out an acceptable child maintenance agreement, then fucking off.

I've lost enough self respect getting this far and realising he isn't interested in marrying me, but was other women. That is demoralising to me.

To bring it up and be stone walled like that has stung like hell.

Do I heck want to marry somebody who is that aghast at the prospect of becoming my husband.

I might feel differently when I've calmed down but I don't even want to look at him right now.

I'd have more respect if he said "look to be honest I don't want to marry you and here's why"

OP posts:
Cismyfatarse1 · 06/09/2018 20:34

Can you text him?

Something really clear, so there is no misunderstanding.

"I want us to plan to marry. You have always known marriage is important to me. I want to discuss this with you on xxxxx at xxxx" ( xx = insert date, not kisses)

DianaT1969 · 06/09/2018 20:35

OP, I don't think you should let the marriage situation fester and resentment grow. If you were living happily with him before this, then you can again. But with a new mindset.

Now you rightly think that he doesn't deserve to marry you and he can stick it up his a*se.

Live your life differently. Don't give your 2nd DC his surname, make him pay for childcare while you go back to work, climb the career ladder, earn a lot and put a bundle into your own pension fund and savings. Don't do more housework than him. Don't do more childcare than him. Draw up rotas that clearly show what he is responsible for in the home. Don't ever put his needs first. Go out and see friends in the evening. Grow your friendship circle. It won't come naturally to you, because you aren't selfish. But you won't ever be a vulnerable woman who gave it up for a man who wouldn't commit.
I'm projecting a bit Smile but wishing you luck Thanks