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Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:18

Because I'm a mug

Given his history of engagements I absolutely believed we'd be making a proper commitment. I wasn't too bothered until we conceived DC2 then it became apparent how important the security of marriage is.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 05/09/2018 22:19

Have an open and honest conversation with him.

Shambu · 05/09/2018 22:19

God why do women fuck themselves over this way over and over?

I just don't know.

pallisers · 05/09/2018 22:19

First of all I think you should look at your arrangement and decide whether you are in a vulnerable position because you are not married. Do you work or are you intending to stay home? Do you have a pension or a salary of your own. What about your house? just take a look at threads on MN and see how vulnerable a woman can be in the event of a break-up if she is unmarried and doesn't work or works part time.

If you were my friend I would tell you that if you are in a vulnerable position then I think you need to forget the emotional stuff and just say to him "I want to be married before I have this baby and take another step back from work to mind him. when will suit you?"

How did you have a conversation about having children? That is as big a commitment as marriage? Did you raise that subject? How come that seemed ok but marriage isn't? Is it that you have a script in your head about a romantic proposal etc. I am kind of wondering why you are so unsure of him - you are pregnant with his child, rearing his child and living with him. Why do you think he doesn't want to marry you?

Rebecca36 · 05/09/2018 22:21

Your partner is over cautious because of past let downs but with (nearly) two children, it's a bit late for that! He needs to grow up.

Do talk to him seriously about how important this is to you.

In the meantime try to make yourself as financially independent as you can so that you don't actually need a man.

pallisers · 05/09/2018 22:22

God why do women fuck themselves over this way over and over?

And why do so many fairly crap men manage to get really nice women to conceive, bear, and rear their children while keeping their options open.

HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 22:22

OP, you need to be very careful financially. You share the house, which is great, but have you given up any of your career or gone part-time etc in order to care for the children? Remember he's not losing anything. I wish you'd insisted on marriage before you had the children, but all you can do now is safeguard yourself by making sure you don't put him at an advantage and yourself at a disadvantage financially.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2018 22:27

What’s the issue with the ex? They don’t have a child together and he’s in an established relationship with you while you say she’s also with someone so why are they in touch at all, how is she making his life hard and why would it have any bearing on you and he getting married?

He’s been happy to conceive two children with you so someone he used to be with should be irrelevant.

JustHereForThePooStories · 05/09/2018 22:29

Given his history of engagements I absolutely believed we'd be making a proper commitment

He’s been engaged twice, but never married. He’ll soon have three kids with two women.
What from this made you think he was in to commitment?

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:30

I worked FT until I had DD, I now work part time and she's in childcare whilst I work half of the week. It was agreed between us that this would be what happens.

There are discussions of me being a SAHM completely after DC2 is born, he is all for it but I'm not too sure (many reasons including the lack of security with no marriage). I know part time work is not a lot, but its some independence I don't want to lose willynilly.

Joint tenancy, slowly saving to buy a house. Tenancy is in both of our names.

DD1 planned, DC2 was a contraception failure but he was adamant he wanted to keep the baby so we have.

Never any talk of marriage from him

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:33

@AnneLovesGilbert he does have two children with his ex who I believe is jealous but he swears I'm being ridiculous as she's in a happy relationship. YET from the moment she met me (6-7 months after DP and I got together) she's made things very difficult having got it into her head that I'm trying to play happy families with her DC, when I was introduced to them.

If we married then I'd be SP to her children which I don't think she'd appreciate so do wonder whether that is something that holds him back.

OP posts:
bethy15 · 05/09/2018 22:36

You live with this man, no?

Then you are already a step parent to his other children, married or no.

NameChange30 · 05/09/2018 22:37

“ I assumed once we'd discussed children and had them, marriage would follow”

You were (and are) being very unreasonable and a mug to:

  1. Make the assumption and make hints without ever having an ACTUAL CONVERSATION about marriage
  2. Have children (or even have unprotected sex) before getting engaged, if marriage is so important to you

He’s the one being unfair to you as the mother of his children but you have been completely unassertive and allowed yourself to get into this situation.

Talk to him about it, but he has all the power and you have none.

I suppose you gave DC1 his surname too? Assume you would eventually marry and take his surname?

One tactic could be to insist that the new baby will have your surname, and you will change DC1’s surname, unless he marries you. Men seem to care a lot about that shit, more than the actual legal and practical benefits of marriage.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2018 22:37

Sorry OP, just reread your post and realised I’d missed his other DC! Blush

If she’s being difficult about his contact with them then he can get access sorted officially which would give everyone certainty about arrangements.

If it’s not that but her general irritation with him having moved on when she’s done the same then just ignore it and focus on having a good relationship with your step kids and getting married won’t hurt anyone. I doubt she’d give up getting engaged again to spare his feelings.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:38

We live together yes, I do see myself as their SP but I do know that their mother doesn't like the fact we've become very close.

She doesn't like me, never has. Whether its personal or not I don't know.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 05/09/2018 22:42

Do NOT become a SAHM without being married.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2018 22:42

You’ll drive yourself nutty caring about what she thinks so I wouldn’t bother.

Care for the DC and be lovely to them when they’re with you. Don’t expend any stress or energy on trying to second guess what she thinks.

I’m not mad about my step kids ex and she probably feels the same. I love my husband and his children, we got married because we wanted to. If she ever remarried it’ll be because she wants to and DH won’t get a say.

This is a distraction from you having a proper grown up chat with the man you’ve chosen to live with and have two children with. Just talk about it!

Ariclock · 05/09/2018 22:43

Don't be a sahm if you not married, it's such a risk for you. You could book a cheap registry office wedding before your baby arrives and be much more secure. If he refuses, I would definitely question why. Good luck.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:43

This is without a doubt a conversation that needs to be had I just feel so insecure about being the one to instigate it.

I'm well aware he was the one to propose to both of his exes, so the fact I'm the one needing to bring it up feels a bit humiliating.

I can't shake the "not wife material" feeling

OP posts:
Ariclock · 05/09/2018 22:43

'You're'

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:44

You've all brought me to my senses about needing to have a serious talk about it, I'm going to. I've decided that much.

OP posts:
Ariclock · 05/09/2018 22:45

It's time to shake off that feeling and look after yourself and your kids welfare by getting that piece of paper.

bethy15 · 05/09/2018 22:51

What's he like? Is he very observant (maybe not as you hinted for a ring).

I was thinking maybe you could put on a film which has similar issues in it and maybe see if he brings it up or you could if not.

Say like that film He's Just Not That Into You? There's a storyline of a couple that's living together for a long time and never married and then she says she would like to be married.
You could then say 'oh, you know we've never discussed marriage, what are your thoughts?' At least you'd know where the land lies.

You can't go on living on the hook without knowing if you have a true commitment from him. Especially with two kids.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 22:51

At the risk of sounding pathetic, how should I word things?

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 05/09/2018 22:52

Oh sorry OP I assumed you'd discussed marriage in the past.

In that case I agree with PP it's time to talk now! Best of luck.

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