DP doesn't want to marry me

[NC4THIS11]

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP, cut the bullshit, especially the romantic stuff. Sorry, but a marriage is not "an ultimate relationship commitment". It's a legal contract first and foremost. It's about property and money. I think that making it all about the romantic commitment actually muddles the waters and puts people off as they start thinking about hard-to-quantify and assess stuff like "do I love this person enough?" and then start doubting themselves.

The situation is this:

You have TWO CHILDREN together and you are living together, trying to save for a joint house purchase. This obviously means that you are planning to live together in the future and be a family unit, sharing a lot of property and money. In this case, talking about legal protection is natural and desirable.

• Do you want to receive a widowed parent's pension is something happens to you DP?
• Do you want to be his next-of-kin in medical emergencies?
• Do you want your children's assets to be protected in case the two of you split?

These things also go the other way. It's not just protection for yourself and your children, but for him too. Does he want to be automatically entitled to 1/2 of your future house? Or to access to your children in case of a split?

Try to treat marriage as a pragmatic decision, not a romantic one. Once you remove the value judgement of yourself and your partner out of the equation, the conversation should be a lot easier.

And if he does not see the necessity of legal protection, then you can think about whether you can afford to stay in this unprotected state and whether you want to stay with a person who does not want to see you and your children legally secure.

And yes, if marriage goes wrong, you can always get divorced. It's not some kind of permanent trap.

Marriage protects the woman and children, pure and simple.

Without that legal document you are not entitled to half your partner's assets if you split up (or more).

Don't confuse your dp's refusal to marry you with not wanting to get married at all. There are thousands of cases where a man hasn't wanted to marry, split with partner only to marry their next partner within months.

More importantly, as has already been pointed out you: could be left homeless if you curtail your career to bring up the children and are no longer able to pay the mortgage if you split.

Many men don't want to share their income, savings, or pension with a woman they are not 100% committed to, or any of her dependent children, they want to keep it for themselves.

By not marrying they get to keep all (or at least most of) their assets thereby keeping their options open for marrying The One, some time in the future.

So all this boils down to him not really wanting to commit to you voluntarily (unless coerced to, which in your case I'd definitely try to do now, just to give you and your dc security if nothing else.)

Keep it simple, Don't romanticise the idea, just the idea of a necessary legal commitment
Don't hint about wanting an engagement ring, go straight to choosing a wedding ring and booking a date at register office( in Lunch break) if neccesary
Don't assume anything Value yourself more and DEFINITELY don't put him on a pedestal Good luck tonight

I don't feel the need to show other people our commitment- because we prove it to each other every single day.

Yet another person who does not understand what marriage is.

And another thing - definitely DO NOT ask if "marriage is on the cards". Do not settle for the answer "we will get married at some point in the future". Just two questions:

1. Do you want to get married?
2. When? (Push for a specific timeline with a maximum horizon of a year. It does not take that long to arrange a simple wedding.)

You may need to give me a few days to think about his answers to these two questions, but definitely not longer than a week. They are simple questions.

After a joint mortgage and two kids together getting married should not be a big deal for him.

Good luck with the chat, OP.

I agree with others about not becoming a SAHM unless you’re married. It’s just too big a risk otherwise.

I would not mention marriage, after all he knows you want it. I’d just say, listen since we’re not married, I think i’ll actually go back to work full time after this dc (or at least four days that you could potentially quickly ramp up into 5 if need be), also are you happy for me to give dc2 my surname, then we’ll have one each named after us? Don’t play games, don’t coerce him into marriage, establish how you as a strong, independent woman will make the best decisions for both your children and you based on the scenario you are in. Take back the power love!

I don’t usually care about power dynamics in a relationship, but this one I have seen so many times among my own friends. Two kids with dad’s name, dad flying career-wise and a handle on all the real money and opportunity and decision-making, poor mum doing all the grunt work for everyone and longing for a commitment.

It’s bullshit, you need to change the dynamic and think about yourself and the kids in a worst case scenario.

If you want to get married - do say it, dont pussy foot around

Say something like:
I want to get married in the next 6 months, happy to do a low key registry office - however, if thats not on the cards, I will have to go back to work full time, and the DC will have to go to childcare. Also - youngest dc will be having my surname (or whatever it is you want to do)

No more is needed,

I think the OP should definitely mention marriage - it appears in all the time (and two kids) they've been together they've never had a straightforward, open discussion about it, just hinting and game-playing. There's no need for power games. If you're going to be with someone and have marriage OR children, you have to be able to lay it on the line, ask for what you want, talk about what's important to you.

OP should also absolutely talk and think about what she will do if he isn't keen to get hitched. She does have power here. But I don't think she needs to make a big show of "taking it back" when they've never even had a proper conversation, one that includes "I want this and I want it in a specified and short period of time".

just talk to him!

Why does it have to be him who proposes to you? This is 2018, why don't you ask him to marry you?

I don't feel the need to show other people our commitment- because we prove it to each other every single day.

Yet another person who does not understand what marriage is.

Absolutely. Almost no one even knows that we are married.

I've decided to woman up a bit and have the conversation I just need to figure out how to put it, 1) so I don't come across as insecure and 2) so it doesn't seem as though I only want to marry him for the security

Keep it simple.

“Remember at the start of our relationship when I said I wanted to get married? Well, I think it’s time. We have one, almost two children together. I want the security and the commitment. You’ve made plenty of comments to indicate marriage is what you want too (the comment about the dress, etc, if he has made others), so let’s get on with it as I’d like to be married before the baby is born. What do you think?”

And listen.

You have to be prepared to walk away though if it turns out he doesn’t want to marry you and it’s crucial for you.

A man who loves you and wants to marry you will be delighted and excited to get it organised so he’s married to the love of his life and providing a stable home for his children. If he’s anything less than enthusiastic and glad you raised it I’m sad to say you have your answer.

Why does it matter if he's excited or enthusiastic? I have never felt remotely that way about entering into any legal contract. It's this muddling of emotional romantic nonsense with a legal contract that causes stupid situations like this.

Because who’d want to marry a man who didn’t want to marry them?

Would you really marry someone who didn’t meet the very low bar or being enthusiastic and excited to marry you?

Someone who is dragging their feet or approaching it like the gallows?

I’d have more self respect than that!

I have zero interest in marriage and was at no point excited or enthusiastic about it. Doesn't mean I don't love my husband but the marriage aspect has nothing to do with love. It's a legal contract. We did it to protect ourselves, our kids, and our assets

Do you think my husband must have no self respect to have married me, with my lack of enthusiasm?

If you can't have this kind of discussion, I'm not sure you're very compatible really.
But maybe he's not very comfortable with what lots of people associate with weddings these days, big showy displays of affection, flashy rings, OTT weddings.
That being said, unless you discuss it, you'll never know.

@LeroyJenkins

I totally understand kids are a lifelong commitment between 2 people... but if be can't commit to marriage...then there's no chance I would commit to having a child.

The commitment should be to each other...regardless of children.

A number of men want all the benefits of marriage...without marriage.

@SandyY2K I agree as i said above, what i meant was (maybe badly put) was that if i am committed enough to have DC then marriage should not be a problem as its less of a commitment? So its a rubbish argument?
(does that make more sense?)

@LeroyJenkins

Definitely makes sense. I'm with you .

All you need to say is "I'd really like us to be married. What do you think?"

I really, really hope that the chat goes well for you

Stop tiptoeing around this man! If you want to get married (and I think you should for the sake of the legal and financial protection you will get), then tell him so clearly and calmly. And don't act as if he will be bestowing a massive favour on you!!

I'd be pretty pissed off he's quite happy to see you (and the kids) left out to dry.

That would be a total passion killer for me.