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Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
Viewoffriday · 06/09/2018 07:22

As to talking about it, if it was me, I would keep very much to the practical, legal end of it.

I would say "we've been talking about me being a sahm. I cannot do that if we're not married. I would leave myself and the kids in too vulnerable a position, legally and financially."

Don't tell him you're waiting for a big proposal, you're worried about his ex, you don't think you're wife material etc. Keep all that stuff for another discussion. He needs to recognise that it's a shitty thing to do to let you take all the financial and security risks of having children. It's not on.

Pebblesandfriends · 06/09/2018 07:23

Tell him you want to get married soon ( specify a timeline a year/6 months etc). Ask if this is something he can sign up to it not. I wouldn't give an ultimatum out loud as he may react out of stubbornness but If he starts down the ' only a piece of paper) need to save up/ get engaged and marred at some unspecified point in the future' then you have your answer and need to be prepared to end it. Definitely don't agree to give up your job in the meantime. Better to know now.bif he is planning to marry you then he will respect you all the more for being clear with him. You already know it's a deal breaker. If he agrees but wants to surprise you then set s time limit you are comfortable with in your head and be prepared to walk if he doesn't meet it. Good luck.

Theworldisfullofgs · 06/09/2018 07:23

I'd just be really clear about what you want. Tell him marriage is in your plans and this is what you want from a relationship.
If marriage is really not what he wants then he needs to give you a reason to stay.
If you still want to stay then a condition would be ensuring that you get some legal protection. I don't know if that's possible via a contract with a solicitor (?)

Don't be strung along. If he doesn't want to marry you or he puts off the decision (And if he does that he'll continue to do that) you'll end up being resentful in the long run.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 06/09/2018 07:25

I need to stop putting him on a pedestal and hoping he'll see my worth as a wife as well as a mother

This is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever read on here.

Do you not want to marry a man who loves the bones of you, who couldn’t give a fuck about your ability to do housework, who sees your worth as a human being?!

Figgygal · 06/09/2018 07:29

Good luck tonight op

Do the adult thing and discuss this with him your position is precarious currently don't become a sahm in this scenario

TheWanderlust · 06/09/2018 07:38

Just to throw it out there, in my relationship it's the opposite way around. OH would love to get married but I'm absolutely petrified at the thought and always joke it off when we talk about it.

We have bought a house together. We both work full time and I'm pregnant with DC1. We've both taken out wills and a declaration of trust that outlines what will happen if either of us die or separate.

I love him dearly and cannot imagine my life with anybody else, but the whole process of marriage is something I'm quite fearful of. I don't feel the need to show other people our commitment- because we prove it to each other every single day.

We discuss this openly and honestly together without any bad feelings and OH is really understanding. He tells me each time that he will keep on asking, just to see if I've changed my mind but he knows I love him anyway.

I may change how I feel once baby is here. But I can't predict that right now.

MsJolly · 06/09/2018 07:43

Good luck with the chat. Just be calm.

I need to talk about the future. I want us to be married. This will give the children and I security. I don't need the big wedding shebang. I just want the marriage. Are we on the same page with this?

MrsGrindah · 06/09/2018 07:53

And DONT settle for an engagement. That’s still offers you know legal pr protection. Make it clear it’s marriage you want not a nice shiny ring

MrsGrindah · 06/09/2018 07:54

That’s should say “no legal protection “!

Butterymuffin · 06/09/2018 08:05

I'd use viewofFriday's wording. Make it about the practicalities and protection for you. And if he uses the 'Just a piece of paper' line, I've always thought well, if it's just a piece of paper to you, what's the big deal about signing it? Especially when it's important to your partner.

CountessVonBoobs · 06/09/2018 08:06

Just talk to him. No staging, no hinting, no silly films. Tell him you need to talk, sit him down, and blurt out "it's really important to me to get married, and I need to know how you feel about it".

Ideally you should have had this conversation years ago, but better late than never. If he says he wants marriage too, tell him the two of you need to set a date. Tell him you're fine with going down to the registry office, it doesn't have to be big and white, but you want to be married, soon. Don't accept an open-ended engagement. If this is a deal breaker for you, tell him so. And on no account give up work in the meantime.

Cuttingthegrass · 06/09/2018 08:09

Yes be careful about an open ended engagement offer. I hope you get the response you're hoping for.

FinallyHere · 06/09/2018 08:13

He did know that long term I'd like to be married, at the start of the relationship I did say I wanted the full family setting. Kids. Marriage. He never did confirm whether marriage would be on the cards but I assumed once we'd discussed children and had them, marriage would follow

Oh, dear, I am so sorry. Marriage protects the weaker financial partner, and so it is less favourable for the stronger. Unless you can agree together to get married, your best best is honestly to get a job and make sure that he pays at least 50% of the cost of childcare.

TheWanderlust · 06/09/2018 08:20

Thanks @AnotherEmma for re-sharing information we have already accessed.

Our current legal documents drawn up by our solicitor cover all the points mentioned regarding money and possessions and OH will be on our baby's birth certificate giving him parental responsibility.

Marriage is a choice. And one that not everyone chooses.

LeroyJenkins · 06/09/2018 08:25

don't feel the need to show other people our commitment- because we prove it to each other every single day.

But marriage isn't just about showing other people

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 08:39

Thank you all for the responses, feeling more confident to speak with him about it now and will be doing tonight.

I'm going to start with the practical side of things like advised, telling him me and the DC need security but that's not the only reason I'd like to marry.

Hopefully I get the answers I want

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 08:47

I'll check back here after and update the thread after we've spoken

OP posts:
LeroyJenkins · 06/09/2018 08:53

If you can make life with someone, then you can have a grown up conversation

hellsbellsmelons · 06/09/2018 09:13

I hope the talk goes OK later.
You need to be honest and blunt with him.
And do not give up your job without the security of marriage.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 06/09/2018 09:38

I'm not going to be giving up my job without the stability of marriage, I'm also going to return FT after DC2 and he will be paying half the cost of childcare. MN can be very eye opening about the practical side of things, I'd like to think he'd never leave us in the shit and hope to god nothing ever happens to him (or me) but its important to have that security as you never know what's around the corner

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/09/2018 11:27

@NC4THIS11

I honestly don't agree with making it about finances and protection to him.

I actually think that's more likely to put him off the idea and think you'll leave him broke if you split.

To me marriage is about the ultimate commitment in a relationship.

If a man wanted to marry me just for protection ... I wouldn't want to marry him. I'd want to marry him for love and commitment.

A pp said they don't need to show others they love each other by getting married. That's not what marriage is about. You're talking about the wedding day.

Marriage is meant to be the rest of your lives together. The wedding is one day that people put far too much emphasis on and get carried away with.

You can just as well go to the registry office with 2 witnesses to get married.

Cohabiting is fine if you both don't want marriage....otherwise resentment develops.

He's probably not going to think it's that important to you as you planned a child without being married. He may wonder why now.

I also don't really agree with ultimatums on things like this. It seems like coercion and will be thrown in your face later on...with claims he had to marry you or risk not seeing the kids every day.

You should make your point and he can take it from there. If in a certain time period nothing changes...then you take whatever action you need to.

When I was with my DH before marriage.... he wanted to buy a house...live together...then see how it went before committing. I told him that wasn't how I wanted it and suggested we take a break from the relationship, because we weren't at the same place in terms of commitment.

I was ready to walk away and saying a break was really a gentle let down to him.

Maybe he knew that too and was afraid of losing me...so he proposed not long after that.

The difference is I didn't have kids with him. I've no doubt it's harder to walk away with kids.

I'm sure he would rather not be paying child support for 4 children and...he'll be seen less desirably with 4 kids and 2 mums. Not many women will want to deal with that.

You have more power here than you realise.

Ariclock · 06/09/2018 11:56

Good luck with the chat later op.

LeroyJenkins · 06/09/2018 12:15

To me marriage is about the ultimate commitment in a relationship.
I get that you are saying to you, but to me having DC is a bigger commitment

luciusmxlfoy · 06/09/2018 12:57

@LeroyJenkins I said that to my DP when we discussed marriage.

In my eyes having children together is a far greater commitment so I said to him, "how can you commit to having children with me but you can't commit to marrying me?"

His response was essentially that no matter what happens between us, splitting up, etc. His commitment is to being a father and he will always commit to that. So basically, it sounded like in his eyes, when we chose to have DC his commitment was solely to being a father. That commitment was to our child. Not to me.

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