Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

'Cos I accidentally broke the old thread. New shiny one.

Last thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3328564-Dating-Thread-138-Hotter-Than-July

pringle Love the new thread title!

Hi all,

I’m a very long time lurker but after having had an awful sleep I’ve decided to post to get your take on this and hopefully cheer me up.

So I’ve been online dating for about five years with sporadic success. I know all the things to look out for etc and feel quite savvy about the whole thing but I’ve just been ‘dumped’ after ten dates and I’m feeling beyond fed up.

Apparently there’s something not quite right on his side. We hadn’t seen each other for a few weeks due to travelling and he said he thought maybe it was because of that and he wanted to see me again to make sure so he suggested a night in at mine the last time we saw each other, stayed over, dtd and then the next day told me he’d been thinking about things for a few weeks and that he thought I was ‘nice’ and he had a ‘nice’ time but he didn’t want to be in a ‘nice’ relationship and wants something more. Again fair enough. I feel the same. Why oh why though would you suggest a house date knowing all of this? If you wanted to see me again to check your feelings surely you’d arrange a more exciting date that allowed us both to have a bit of fun and show a different side of ourselves? I actually suggested we went out for food which we did as I had a bad feeling and I didn’t like the lack of effort but when we got home he happily went and got his overnight bag out of his car. He surely must have known then how he was feeling?

Anyway I replied politely telling him I understood and then actually thought sod that and sent him a follow up message saying I didn’t think he was actually being honest in suggesting a sleepover if he was having doubts. He said he didn’t plan any of it, he was having a nice evening and he was sorry . Nice enough to stay over but not nice enough to see again.

Rant over. I deleted all the apps last night. After five years on and off it’s doing me no good.

Oh, and I hate the word ‘nice’. Such a non-descript word. I’m way better than being described with that adjective!

Sorry this is so long.

pitches a tent freshly single, going to be getting on that tinder bandwagon again!

Just place marking. Love the new thread title!

Thanks Pringle I love the new title too

Also place marking though having an OL break

Hugs @RaspberryGirl. Not on to dtd then dump - you deserve better. Have you tried hinge? I like it because it’s about convos rather than the emphasis on swipe left /right. @pringlecat - great rules! I just had a weird experience where it was really flirty and fun and against my better judgement I sent a photo (clothed!) as he asked even though there are photos on the site. I thought it was a nice photo and he said it was but the flirty banter stopped. I felt awful so I asked him to delete the photo (he did - sent me screen shot to prove) and we agreed to stop messaging. Big lesson though! Xxx

Oh and avoid any of them in an “open marriage” or who are “polyamorous” or worse still, who just want a “bit of fun in the side”

I’m going to jump on here. I’ve done quite a bit of OLD over the summer and finally starting to get my head around what it’s about! I’ve loved reading these threads and feel like it’s prepared me for most things!
I’m on PoF at the moment. Recently deleted Tinder just for a break. Chatting to two irons on WhatsApp. One I’ve been on two dates with but it feels like I’m making all of the effort so going to take a step back from that and see if he ups his game (I don’t think he will). The other one I’m going on a first date with at the weekend.

Just marking place - thanks pringle for starting it

I heard from Mr NY. I will update later. He is a silly twat lol.

Date with serial canceller Mr Music tonight (hollow laugh) and Mr Northern2 tomorrow.

Have not made any other plans till I see how these go. Would love to see FWB if he can but not sure when he is free.

Mr NY is effectively a love bombing ghoster. I had a long chat with him as taking out the dating shit, he's an Ok bloke but I did have a word with him about his tactics. I think he is going to hurt the shit out of a lot of women. I think if he was 20 years younger, the women would cope with him. But he is mid/late 50s and he's going to meet women who, mostly, are not about playing a game I would assume. Anyway that one is at least put to bed and completely shallowly of me, if he ever wanted to be a FWB I wouldn't say no ;). It is just lucky that I held onto the over investment thing (not completely but mostly). If nothing else, I have learned that! But it's still bloody hard when someone is all over you like a rash not to get carried away.

I really like the cut of Mr Northern2's jibe. Mr Music I will never date given his unreliability anyway.

Just marking my spot. Am going to investigate Bumble this weekend. Need to shake the 'meh' and get back out there.

Good luck with Mr Music and Mr Northern Daffo.

Waves to newbies.

@panda, oh I hate when that happens! I had someone ask for a photo, sent one of me at that exact moment (looking like the rest of my pics to be fair) and he unmatched me after one or two more polite messages. Nice!

@raspberrygirl, good for you calling him out - that is not cool at all!
Not good enough for you, that's for sure.

@daffo, what number date is that with Mr Northern?

I had an amazing evening with FWB, just what I needed :-). No other dates planned yet, been asked for coffee this morning but not chasing him up to confirm the plan. I definitely need these men to make more effort, the only ones that do - I'm not interested in.

Like the Steeler's Wheel/Reservoir Dogs l title but one question -

Why am I Mr. Pink?

How 'bout if I'm Mr. Purple? That sounds good to me. I'll be Mr. Purple.

cool I agree 're the effort. Someone posted a picture this morning about one of bonuses of getting older is that you learn not to run after those who don't make an effort with you.

This Mr Northern2 first date. There is a Mr Northern1 who I have done 2 dates with and wants a 3rd but I am a bit undecided. He is quite shy and doesn't communicate that much

Great new shiny thread title Pringle - thank you!!

So Mr I Don't Know What I want finally reappeared after me giving him space to think about things...... Had a very on the surface type chat about stuff.

He told me he's missed me a lot. Argh.... Gawd. This one is going to be a slow burner. I don't want things to accelerate at the speed of light again.

I do really like him and thinking of letting go him just go at his own pace now. Hope it wasn't a moment of weakness on his part yesterday and he was genuinely missing me.

I threw away the flowers he brought me yesterday afternoon because every time I looked at them it reminded me of him. Lol.... Typical 🙈

Hi everyone

Hi raspberry. Sorry to hear about what happened to you. he sounds selfish.

I am really pretty disheartened today.

I've been dating for a bit over a year. In that time I have met some nice people (and some not nice ones) but feel so so so unsatisfied. I feel really sad with it all, with the realisation that the most significant connection is someone I am friends with whom I am CONSTANTLY managing my feelings with because he is more important to me than I am to him.

I feel that even the people I don't really care about have less time for me than I have for them. I am sick of being everyone's second or third best, or just forgotten about entirely. People find it easy to compliment me all the time - I am always being told am nice and clever and funny and pretty and sexy - but it doesn't really matter because no one really really wants me.

It's tied up with a lot of stuff about work as well which is making me feel very insecure and inadequate.

The trouble is, if I stop I miss it. Terribly. Every now and then I get a hit of that feeling that I am special to someone, even for a minute, and I can't manage without that.

I am so disheartened. I shouldn't even be looking at apps in this state because I am scattergunning and I can't remember anything about anyone I'm chatting to. I've got so many matches going that I've said "hi" to that I don't know where to go from here and I feel lonelier than ever.

Vixen does he know what he wants now?

Aw Yeah I'm sorry you feel so blue today. I have days like this too. Can you get out in the sunshine - if it is shining where you are? I've promised myself a walk in my lunch hour. If not, could you do something nice for yourself today - a treat for lunch or dinner - or some pretty flowers to put in a vase at home. I know none of those things are long-term solutions but sometimes just taking the time to do something for yourself can help.

Margo. I'm going to suggest a chat on the phone later on today or meeting for coffee somewhere soon. It's not something I really want to be doing over WhatsApp.

We didn't really talk that much last night over message - I went out so I didn't have time for a long heart to heart chat.

Morning thread and nice new title, I was singing it in my head.

Date with Mr Surf/ski last night, usual thing of take out sushi, wine and snogging. I took the intitiave and asked him if he wanted to stay the night, he gladly took up the offer. We got to third base quite quickly after that, he doesn't quite match up to my preferences without saying too much but it was very pleasant and satisfying (mainly though because I know myself very well). He is a nice cuddler and tickler which always gets brownie points with me.

He is super calm and gentle, very smitten I think, very tactile. But FWB has spoilt me in terms of the sex side. I know it isn't everything, and in all other aspects I would say we are a good match. However I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, will see him again but I am not going to rush as I don't want him to get too attached. 1, because I am not looking for a "relationship" and 2, he leaves in december for the ski season to Austria.

I am going with the flow, but its on my terms. Anwya, was nice, I had fun, i like him so lets see.

Thanks Margo. Good ideas.

Vixen - I know what you mean about the flowers. I have archived a load of whatsapp chats from people I just don't want to think about. I just went to unfollow someone on fb and found they have a "snooze for 30 days" option now... which is interesting as it seems to relate directly to the "no contact for 30 days" thing which has whole threads devoted to it on mn!

Are people more emotionally messed up by relationships of all kinds than ever or has this always been a thing? I feel so fragile. I can't imagine my mum ever being like this about anything

the ok-c user interface feels like a car crash of confusion to me. Is there a paid option that cuts through some of the crap?

oh @Corvid, are you ok? I totally get it and I have moments like that too! Totally not helped by the fact that in my last serious relationship, we totally adored each other. And I've not been able to come close to that since, even 2 years on.

Especially when all around you, it seems that people are loved up. I remind myself daily that most people I know are in unhappy marriages and would love to be in my position of freedom!

At the moment I am concentrating on a few things - my health and weight (on a weight loss mission which is working), sorting out things in my house, doing things with the kids and planning nice things with friends. Totally trying to take my mind off it.

Oh and Mr Beard has confirmed for tomorrow!

@Corvid, I often think what would my Mum do. As shes a badass and takes no crap of any men at all! Need to channel her at all times