Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@RaspberryGirl and @subspace completely agree but this seems to be getting worse. I'm 39. The amount of ex whining is at a crisis level with guys I meet! Why!

Can I join? Just started Tindering last week after being single for about 10 months following a hideous breakup.

I’ve been on one date, we walked the dogs. He was nice, but I didn’t fancy him. And his dog was really badly behaved and I was put off! He’s texting sporadically but I’m not fussed on seeing him again.

I’m meeting someone else for a drink later. He’s apparently a solicitor, his messaging style is so, so stilted and boring but so was my ex’s, and he was actually really eloquent and funny in real life, so I’m giving him a chance.

I’m also going to just say yes to anyone that asks me for a drink who hasn’t thrown up any glaring red flags in the messaging stage. I’ve got no kids or anything that makes going out difficult, so I may as well give people a try!

Placemarking, nothing of interest to report atm

Jasmine I went out with someone who was really stilted and awkward on text/messenger, did nothing for me at all. In person he had the best personality I've come across! He was just old fashioned despite being young and didn't like texting.

CookPassBabtridge . I love your name. My best ever OLD experience came about due to a mutual love of Babtridge.

I am still debating over the red flag situation with last nights date. Physically I find him very attractive. I am really not looking for marriage but I would like exclusive fun dating

He is great on text, funny and not clingy at all - not an over texter or lots of questions or anything. This is fine

In person: wanted me to know he is not very socially confident and has his own pace of life, likes watching other people enjoy themselves - so is social, and has a social circle he’s just not comfortable in the middle. He’s an edge man. This is fine

He is not sleazy or creepy, he seems quite respectful and all flirting is obvious but relatively tame. This is good

The bad:

He has ex drama... full custody of his DC, he did not describe his ex in any real derogatory language BUT it came across that he wanted to be in control. So he kept his house and kids and she left and apparently that was the agreement, he alluded but did not say it that there had been a period of time where he felt gaslighted by her and wasn’t comfortable with trusting her

He said he had had bad experiences with trust in relationships - but that on these occasions he was being cheated on and he worries a lot (this worries me)

He is a procrastinator and I am not

He gets anxious a lot and worries internally (I don’t want to have to be giving someone reassurance all the time)

He is ‘very fussy’ when it comes to dating, I don’t think he meant in terms of looks though

I just don’t want to go down a bad path!

So, I went on a date this afternoon with somebody new. His profile really spoke to me in a lot of ways and he was in my neck of the woods visiting his sister's family but normally he lives 2 hours away although he's free to move wherever he chooses in the future (no kids). He's five years younger than I am. Making things happen was straightforward and he told me he'd never met up so quickly with someone before.

We got on really well during our two-hour date. He was leaving to drive back home and I had to get back to my children. We kissed at the end and he was trembling a little. I didn't get the butterflies in my stomach thing, you know, when the attraction is really strong but I'm very happy we made this date happen and he's already sent me a text message whilst on his way home.

I've had no news since Friday from the other new man (who really is gorgeous) but I'm feeling fine about it. If it isn't meant to be, etc. I'm also not surprised about his silence as he's not one for texting every day but I'm not holding out any hope, thank goodness.

Mr Solicitor was, er, pleasant. Quite good looking, has had an interesting life and done loads of cool things. He was just very softly spoken and not particularly charismatic. He’s messaged me already, saying he hopes I want to see him again. I’ll probably see him again, just to see if he’s a grower. I’m a bit meh, but suspect that’s more to do with me than him.

Dog man still texting. I’m not sure about him really. He’s a bit keen.

Pookie - Did he elaborate further on what actually happened with his ex? I mean it sounds to me as if he has been through the mill a fair bit with that so it is reasonable to expect that he is perhaps more guarded/anxious about embarking upon a new relationship......

I guess at this stage it is good to meet up a few more times before you go making ant major decisions about him. You need time to get to know home properly.

His anxiety etc might not require constant reassurance - it may just take him a while to loosen up a little bit and take time to feel more settled.

He doesn't sound massively red-flaggy to me...... Just someone who has been a bit burnt in a previous relationship & a little guarded.

Sorry about all those terrible typos...... I'm half asleep today

Hi Everyone
I'm off the smitten bench . The reason, a bit of what Pookie said. Too much angst about the ex, reading out every single text exchange between them. I found it hard going, the constant drama was bringing me down. It's a real shame. The sex was the best I've ever had, hence 'MrWow' name. Six months. The relationship wasn't going anywhere and neither of us ever said the 'Love' word. I hate to think he might have been using me. I ended it tho. When it stops becoming fun then it's the end isn't it?

I agree that any ex drama is just not worth your time!

I'm so sorry TooOldForThis! People who drain our good energy need to be kept at bay. You must be feeling disappointed but you made the right decision.

Sorry to hear that @toooldforthis67

Well my "date" has made contact a few times today. You know what? I went looking for a boyfriend and what did I get? A penpal. He's ignored the fact that we were going to meet today, and while chatting exchanging messages quite happily has also ignored the bit where I said meet me for a drink tonight and responded to the rest of the message, so yup, got me a penpal sarcasm font yippee!

Sub - move on. Blokes like this are either too scared, insecure or have other hidden motives. I've dated over 50 guys and have learnt a lot. Never got to the six month mark with any guy other than those I married, lol (3).

Other than Bumble and Tinder, is anyone using any other dating apps?

Jeez. Just downloaded Badoo and it's quite intimidating. I've had about 200 likes and 4 messages in the space of the 5 minutes since setting it up. If anyone's run out of matches on Tinder or Bumble, there seem to be lots of different people on that app...

Trying to filter through them all to see if any potential irons in there.

@Pringlecat I used Hinge for a bit, I seem to get a steady stream of likes but haven't had the energy to really use it properly. Had a nice first date with someone who seemed keen but I didn't feel we hit it off incredibly and I was still hung up about my ex

A friend has just met a serious girlfriend on Happn. Never did much for me but might be worth a try

I used Coffee Meets Bagel but couldn't be bothered, you have to keep buying 'beans' (points) if you want to like people not in your daily allocation of recommend men

I'm feeling better about Mr CrazyRating … he is clearly a horrible person, and I don't know why I wasn't more willing to block him instantly, except that I was a bit scared too.

I have been re-evaluating my hookups vs FWB+ dilemma. I've had 3 very disappointing hookups, and 1 very lovely one. This either means hook-ups are not for me, or I just need to get better about discerning. In all cases, I've had reservations about the disappointing ones and I felt positively about the lovely one, so I also need to read the thread rules again, especially #5 and #8.

The lovely hook-up, I'll call him Mr Meter, I broke the rules with too, because he was so very lovely that I immediately started imagining long term dating. He had said upfront before we met that honesty was very important to him, and that he was only looking for a brief encounter while he travelled for work. I've independently verified that he is single, and he is as he said he was. And I've not contacted him since, as I am respecting his boundaries. But I unexpectedly let my heart get a little bit tangled. It is unfeasible anyway, since he lives 1600kms (1000) miles away from me.

I have 3 irons in the fire at the moment:
- Mr Boardgames (OKC) - lots of great fun texting, we met on Saturday night for sushi and ended up chatting non-stop for 8 hours!! We are meeting again this coming Thursday. I suspect I will end up only friends with him, as he is an awesome person, but in 8 hours together, I didn't feel any sexual chemistry whatsoever.

- Mr Books (OKC) - a great text messager - we have loads in common, especially a shared love of books and music. He's way out of my league in the attractiveness stakes though, so I still can't believe he's messaging me. He works FIFO (fly-in fly-out … perhaps an Aussie term) so works for 3 weeks and then comes home for 3 weeks. He comes home this coming Friday, and we are meeting up for breakfast.

• Mr Slow Burn (Tinder) - lovely, long, thoughful and interesting messages but very sporadically perhaps once every two weeks or so. It actually suits me OK … we are slowly getting to know each other and it feels very unrushed. I have no expectations, but it's nice to talk to someone respectful.

I've also accidentally swiped right on a Tinder fellow who I've been trying to avoid for weeks now, and instantly matched, so he'd already swiped right on me. I hadn't wanted to swipe left previously, because he seems perfect and I didn't want to shut the door permanently. Haven't wanted to swipe right because I've been feeling underconfident like he couldn't possibly be interested in me. I need an injection of self esteem!

Is it vet orcover off to Canada (sorry I am terrible for mixing up names)? Good luck, I'm so excited for you.

I'm feeling a bit miserable about online dating today. Have had a few months off work and really thought I'd be able to meet someone sigh.

Mr Music has told me he has come off dating websites (this was before we met) but I find it hard to believe anything he says if I'm honest. He barely messages me, said he wanted to see me again this week but hasn't arranged a date or time. He has an incredibly busy and full life and already has form for being ludicrously unreliable. If he tries to arrange something, I will give it a chance but I just can't see this being a goer. He is a genuinely nice guy and we had a real laugh but there is something not quite right.

Mr NY (the love bombing ghoster) is back in touch as he has something of mine he needs to return (this is true and was accidental). I can see he is doing to someone else what he did to me as he's on whatsapp online for hours every night (he used to call me nightly for about a week!). Again, he has not arranged a time or place but has said he wants to have a bottle of wine with me.

Mr Music i could be generous and and he has now explained why he didn't turn up for the first 2 dates and both are valid excuses but it's just the way that he did it.

Have a few people messaging me on OKC but nothing that is lighting my fire, same with bumble.

Met up with exboyf yesterday (who is happy in a new relationship) - he thinks I should give it a break for a month while I sort out the kids and my work (uni, new school, new job etc. etc.) and maybe he's right. But it feels like my life is about to change fundamentally and I'd love someone to be along for the ride!

Hey guys, checking in after a busy weekend

@Daffo, sounds like a short break might help? I've had a month off over the summer and feel so much better and I care alot less.

@Queen - ex whining, I can't deal with it either! You're here on a date to find out about ME, not moan about HER.

@toooldforthis, thats really tough, he clearly wasn't ready if he was rehashing text messages this far on.

@sub, I've got a penpal too. We've been chatting for a week and still no mention of a date, he lives about 15 mins away tops!

So my nice date from Saturday, Mr Beard - we were chatting but he's not replied to my last message yesterday lunchtime but he's been active on the dating site. So looks like that's done before it even started. His loss! Actually had a few decent matches on Bumble last night

I'm not having a great time at the mo. I thought I'd try Badoo after some on here mentioned it. I actually got a match with someone who looked ok and normal. I've seen him on other sites but he's never shown me any interest.

So I sent a general 'hi, how are you' message. He replied that he'd seen me before because I kept appearing on other sites and that he still wasn't interested. So why match with me!!!!

Meanwhile I've a couple of friends using the dating apps. They're between 5 and 10 years younger than me. The younger one always has 2 - 3 men on the go at once. She's never short of dates.

The other friend is newly single after a 3 month relationship. She gets loads of matches and loads of messages within a few hours of being on Tinder. She picks the one she likes the best, has a date and sparks fly. It might last a few months or a few weeks but she's never had a first date that's been awful or even meh.

This is the friend that got me to try Tinder again and is refusing to believe that I can't get matches. Every day she messages me with photos of her latest matches and tries to persuade me to have another try.

Both are lovely friends and I couldn't survive being single without them. But I can't seem to get them to understand that OLD doesn't work for me.

Moan over. Sorry for the long rant.

Help
Bumble turned up a lovely looking guy, 4 years younger than me. After a couple of days messaging we agreed to meet.
He was extremely tactile - very attentive - very flattering. And, to be honest, I think I'm very inexperienced and naive. Basically, I think he was only ever interested in getting me into bed - which he did. And now....well I am pretty sure that there are a string of us that he's got on the go.
I feel pretty stupid and a bit down. I just don't think that I have got thick enough skin for this. I'm 57 and should know better.

wally I wonder if it was the same bloke that love bombed/ghosted me! Sounds v similar (though I always knew something was going on, it's still hurtful)

runs I'm also not having an enormous amount of luck but do find it waxes and wanes. I am SO BLOODY THANKFUL for you lot as none of my friends are single and everyone seems to think it's a right laugh fgs without realising how hard and painful it can be

@RunsforCake14, have you had a male opinion of your profile?