Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@pringlecat I left him to go away and take some space. He was massively overinvested and kept saying he'd never met anyone like me etc etc. I stayed very guarded and told him to stop being so ridiculous as we didn't know each other well enough yet......

I left him to do his thinking in the man cave. he finally reappeared this week and made contact; saying he missed me. He's away with his children this weekend on holiday so leaving him to it.

I think this one might be one I've met at the wrong time...... He's not ready for anything yet, I know he caught feelings and freaked himself out.

I'm just going to get on with my life and if he wants to be in mine essentialy we'll have to start at the beginning again.

He's the first one I've met in months of dating that i felt something real for but I remained very guarded (experience has taught me something at least) If it's meant to be it's meant to be.........

I'm not putting my life on hold for him to decide what he wants. Sometimes that's just the way it is. I think he has some massive inner turmoil going on with his divorce so I'm best to keep a distance for a while.

I'm not gonna lie I do feel a bit sad about it but it is what it is.

No one else is quite cutting it when I'm chatting online or met up with. Bah. 😔

Wow essay. Sorry guys 😂🤣

Omg april that is horrific. I would have sent him one back saying thanks very much, you've scored 10/10 on the weirdo scale and that's the last you'll hear from me! Have you read the Rosie project? Maybe he was taking inspiration from that (it's a funny book, worth reading).

I am confused about Mr Music - totally unreliable, cancelled two dates, it really would not surprise me if I never heard from him again but I decided to shag him as fwb hasn't been around and bloody hell he was good. He is v v good looking and we had a complete laugh, such fun. But I have absolutely no expectations at all. He did say he would like to see me again....

Mr Northern2 tonight - he is such a nice guy. This is first date but we very much like the same things so it should be good.

Haven't been actively looking at bumble in the meantime while I see if either of these have legs.

Mr NY (love bombing ghoster) had a long chat with me 2 nights ago. Forgot he had something of mine and I asked if he still had it or not and now he has not got back to me. He is one of those who only wants communication if it is on his terms. Problem is I don't give a shit any more about him and he seems to be acting like I do. I'm almost tempted to text him and say I really do not give a monkeys but not worth it. Why can men be such idiots.

vixen I tend to think if they are not ready then it isn't right that's the bottom line. Sorry you had feelings for him. It's hurtful.

Was this your 4th attempt at a date with Mr Music, Daffo? I think I can speak for everyone when I say we're all waiting for the details now....

Oops, that's what happens when you don't refresh the page for half an hour

Vixen, I really feel for you. Despite the walls we build from the start when we meet somebody new and attempts to curb the almost childish proclamations of 'you're the best thing EVER!' we hear from them, hope does creep in and we almost dare imagine something good could come to us. After all we deserve to be happy, right?

It's SO hard to shrug our shoulders in such moments of disappointment but I really do believe 'what will be will be'.

I'm not too good at bumbling along and taking things as they come relationship-wise. I need some clarity; maybe a little too much so? The new man and I (this is a week after a wonderful second date; lunch, coffees, lots of in-depth conversations, hugging and kissing) messaged each other yesterday morning. We do not have the same texting manner. His are always sweet, short and emoji-laden whereas I like a little bit of depth from time to time. I sent him a message saying I sensed he considered me as just a friend and that if that was the case I was absolutely ok with it. I wrote that for several reasons; there doesn't seem to be a jot of evolution between us nor talk of when we might see each other next, plus the fact he is probably still chatting with other women... He wrote back instantly 'More than a friend. Really!!' with a few heartening emojis and then added 'I'm being cautious' with more emojis. I wrote back a while later thanking him for his messages but asking if he could clarify what he meant about being cautious, adding that everything was ok and he wasn't to worry . That was yesterday morning and I haven't heard back from him since.

He's told me several times how afraid he is after past relationships and he even compared dating to a struggle or fight once. And so I'm shrugging my shoulders now and thinking first, what a shame it is that we are all so affected by our past relationships that we're afraid to open up and second, that I can be hugely patient but I need to feel there's some kind of momentum in a new relationship and for that to be both people need to want it. This man, however lovely he seems, doesn't want it (with me).

April - just jumping in to reply to you before RTFT - to say

OMG!!

"Personal insight and awareness: 63/70"

That is the FUNNIEST (and scariest) thing I have heard for ages. What a total creep.

Second thing I wanted to say to you was: YES to the bass. I play bass (abominably) and it is the best thing ever.

Thanks to all of you for all the kind words - yes it's true, I need to get out from behind the screens and do something fun away from these stupid guys for today while the sun is out. When I'm in later on I'm going to do a big cull and pick out a few interesting looking guys.

Today is a much better day. Thanks to you all for helping me pull myself out of the funk.

Now to RTFT

gettingsthere - there are some guys who just want to say nice things about you and even if you give them a really honest chance to say "maybe not now, maybe not you" or whatever, they don't. I've had that before. It's kind of sweet, but also kind of: what do you WANT?!

Shitwithsugar - sounds good.

Daffo - I don't know the history of Music (or you!) is he a flake? And are you looking for a bf?

Pringlecat - male approval is a powerful drug

Have a good day everyone! good luck for saturday night dates... I'll be checking in later over a very groovy cup of tea :)

PS
Yesterday I fat-fingeredly tried to screen shot a very hot man, 15 years younger, with a name on tinder that my friend and I have a running joke about (we "collect" screen shots of guys with this name and send them to each other). Something went wrong and I super liked him. He liked me back!! I sent a message saying "I super liked you by mistake as you are far too handsome for me. how's your day going?" You will be astonished to hear I have heard nothing since then!

Hi corvid Mr Music is a serial canceller of dates sometimes minutes before he is due to turn up. Thought I had blocked him and I hadn't and he turned up where I was last night.

Yes to relationship. Not interested in one night stands etc. But v difficult. It won't be with Mr Music :).

Someone said on the earlier thread about being in London and men having a lot of choice. I am absolutely sure this is a massive factor. I think men know that another 10 matches are 5 mins away.

The love bombing stuff and ghosting is the worst behaviour though and I'm glad it's only happened to me once. It is so hard not to be taken in by someone telling you how wonderful you are. So I feel for those on the thread going through that.

Looking forward to meeting Mr Northern2 later.

Can someone reassure me I’ve done the right thing.
I’ve been on one date last weekend with an iron. He seemed nice, we kissed and got on well, but I’d asked him out and his effort seemed minimal. He had mentioned meeting up again this weekend but said no more so I prompted him on Wednesday and just asked if he still wanted to. He said he didn’t know what he was doing yet and would get back to me. I said I would make other plans if I didn’t hear back. I thought at that point he was just holding out for better options or was completely flakey, neither of which is an attractive quality to me. Anyway I heard nothing and he has just messaged now to say he’s free tonight do I want to meet up? I’ve messaged back to say sorry but I’ve made other plans even though I’ve not. I just can’t be bothered (my hangover probably makes it worse) with another man who makes less than the minimal level of effort!

Badhairday yep 👍🏽 you've done the right thing, I'd have done the same thing.

Badhair don't waste your time on him. He isn't that bothered about you so get out and find someone who is.

AprilFool omg!!! That date sounds awful. Who does that? Block, block, block.

Daffo sounds like a good date with Mr Music. Shame he's so flakey.

Corvid hope you are feeling better today. I completely understand how you feel. I have lots of friends and lots to keep me busy. But I miss having someone close to share my life with.

Update on my lack of dating. POF is still giving me nothing. The occasional person looks at my profile. I'm still sending out the odd message but never get a reply.
A friend persuaded me to try Tinder again. She's a few years younger than me and got around 25 matches in her first day on it. She set it up for me. Chose the photos. Did the swiping. She was determined to get me some matches.
Guess what?? Nothing. Not a single match. Again!
So she did the same on bumble. Same result.
I don't think she believed me when I said I was getting zero interest. I've left her trying to work out why.

Remind me of your age Runs? Sorry I must ask this every thread. I find on bumble I can get nothing for a week then something every day for a week. Okcupid is good at seeing what someone is like before you meet if you haven't tried that. I'm only on those two at the moment.

DaffoDeffo yep, I agree with you... It is what it is (bit shit) but I'm sure Mr Right (& ready) is waiting for me just around the corner 🤣😂

Getting there hopefully - I have often asked myself whether we are too quick to write someone off,. I think the older you get the more complicated dating becomes because lots of people have been burnt or left a relationship that wasn't working for them and it's hard to let go of past experiences........ But I guess if it doesn't feel right it doesn't feel right and you have to follow that gut instinct.

The best thing you can do is to be able to articulate how you feel about someone and then at least you know that it's out there and they can choose to do what they will with that information.

🐘

I have often asked myself whether we are too quick to write someone off

I'm patient to a point but have been told, by more than one person, that I am far too black and white when it comes to making such decisions. I really do need to try and see the shades of grey between. I'm guessing I'm not alone in that on this thread though, right?

But I guess if it doesn't feel right it doesn't feel right and you have to follow that gut instinct.

I tend to go with logic-based decisions as I don't necessarily trust my gut. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing?

The best thing you can do is to be able to articulate how you feel about someone

Another deficiency of mine, perhaps, but I try not to feel too much about anyone I see. Heaven forbid I would ever share such information!

Daffo I'm 51.
I've tried both tinder and bumble on and off for most of this year. Occasionally I get match but they never message. I usually keep the app for about a week then bin it because it just gets too depressing swiping and getting nothing.
I've tried Ok Cupid a couple of times but there are very few local men on there and they are on POF as well. I've tried liking some and messaging them but again I get no replies.
I'm going to stick with pof until the end of the month. If it's still the same then I'll stop until the new year.

I have had to like and message so many men to get one date! I think it is a numbers game. I get messages but they are usually so dry. I tried to have a brief upbeat/quirky profile to attract the types I like (upbeat and quirky!)

I have often asked myself whether we are too quick to write someone off

Yes, indeed, Corvid. I think I agree with Kinunir that my decisions are mostly based on rational thinking rather than instinct. I am aware, like many single parents, that I have a lot of things to juggle and I need to remain balanced and happy to carry out my responsibilities well. Again, like Kinunir, I've become, over the past year especially, more black and white about my decisions but I am willing to see the many shades of grey in other relationships in my life.

You see, Corvid, it did feel hugely right in a so-far-so-good kind of way being with this man on our second date. I don't think I'm a demanding woman; I certainly don't need to see someone very often or even communicate copiously every day but I DO like to see a mutual desire to see where things are going, however tentatively. Perhaps I should have quashed my need for clarity and seen what small steps he might have made over the next few weeks? I'm certainly leaving him be with no intention of messaging him again although curiously it feels as though he craves encouragement (despite all his qualities he may be insecure too). If one day he gets back in touch, which is possible, I might gently explain to him that I have no problem being just friends or on the other hand trying out a relationship with him but that I'm not comfortable with the in-between fog. Whilst kissing, hugging and mutual lust and in-depth conversations on a second date do not automatically lead to a new relationship, I find it unsettling that I don't know where I stand afterwards.

I really like clarity. Too much perhaps but that's who I am.

Jsut swapped numbers with someone and have been chatting for an hour or so. He’s just asked for two recent photos so he knows it’s me... I’ve been OLD for a long time and I’ve not come across this before. I told him all my photos on Tinder are recent but he’s asked again and put ‘please’ . What’s the deal with this? He claims he’s been on Tinder for a month but not been on any dates. I don’t believe him!

Thanks Fierce and Runsforcake! He’s messaged back to apologise and see if I’m free tomorrow. I’ve said possibly if he lets me know details and have heard nothing back. What’s so hard about making a plan 😂?
Raspberry I’ve had this before, always from weird ones to be fair. It seems to be a way to try and start sexting, it hasn’t worked! Just stick to your guns, he can meet you in person if he’s desperate to see you!

Yeah I have been asked for recent ones too. I think some men worry you don’t look like your photos but also it’s annoying as shallow... you obviously liked what you saw, why not get to know the person first

I don't like being hassled for photos, it makes me think there is something they are desperately trying to eliminate (they can't cope if you're chunky, or something like that). My photos are honest (all recent, include full length ones, dressed up ones, dressed down ones, candid outdoor ones, etc) so if people want more I think they are being weird. not sure what kind of weird, but weird. Are they hoping for something in particular? (more cleavage, or something like that?) or are they making sure you're definitely an 8 (or whatever they've pegged you as)? Either way, not good

About clarity: I think some people actively try to avoid it. for some, the fuzzy area is the area they want to be in, for whatever reason. if you don't like that, then they aren't for you... but the very nature of the fuzziness can make that hard to see

I just sent a message to a guy who has sporadically been whatsapping for, well since before my holiday, so a good month or more. he was fishing for sympathy for an injury and a bit of a chat about what he is reading. I just said "do you want to have coffee or a drink sometime?" I can't be arsed with this any more