Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@coolcahuna

I've seen people on Tinder who have been looking for a +1 for an event. I think it could be a great way to meet new people & you never know where it might lead! I'd stick it in your profile and see what comes of it.... 😊

Morning folks... Spent a long time lurking despite being silent 😊.

Just felt the need to respond to the "well done" discussion a page or so ago... The difficulty with text messaging is that only a small amount of the meaning of a message is in the actual words ( most studies seem to think about 7% ). The phrase "well done" means nothing in and of itself without the non verbal communication which goes with it. The real problem is that we rarely recognise that as a limitation with texting and take the words literally. This is why emojis evolved back in the days of pure text messaging in things like ICQ. It gave context to the black and white of the text in the absence of facial expression or body language. It is a real trap that we all fall into when texting and is worth taking a step back and thinking "what do we feel the person meant" ? In this case I would guess. It was a genuine comment but was taken as patronising...

I wonder how many of our collective poor messaging stories are as a result of only seeing 7% of the intended message ?

RLD.

@coolcahuna

I know... I just don’t NEED anything from people. I would like things but I don’t need them. So I am one foot in one foot out right now.
I don’t know if I am looking for problems but I asked him vaguely about his finances as he’s made comments before about how he finds it financially hard being resident parent, and his response to his finances didn’t inspire me very much either 😂
He’s not a gambler or an idiot he just sounds very... ‘will do it later’ ie hasn’t filed a tax return, not sure of his earnings etc. FGS I am not looking for someone I have to mother

@pookiedo as someone pretty independently minded also e.g. no rush for a relationship, ambivalent about ever moving in with someone ever again haha....it kinda sounds like a bad proposition - someone needy and anxious. It's kinda compelling to begin with - to have someone want you so much but I don't think shit like that just goes away or works itself out in a relationship. If he's looking for you for reassurance it's tricky. Really he just needs that in himself. I dunno tho, if he has other qualities that make that a small part of the whole deal?

RLD I am totally with you on the miscommunication by messages. Ended up in a right tangle so many times because something has been misinterpreted or taken too seriously or not seriously enough.

I definitely prefer talking on the phone over endless what's app messages - you can never get into the depth of conversation needed over messages unless you spend all night on your phone.

MrNotReadyYet and I have discussed this on a few occasions. I got to a point where I joked I was at risk of RSI as he is a WA texting fiend. I was just like - if you want to talk, just ring me. I'm bored of messages.... 🤣😂

I think speaking on the phone is so much better anyway - build up that connection so much better.

RLD it was me that asked about the 'well done' comment. Within the context of the whole chat it felt slightly patronising. I'd been driving the chat the whole time & he'd just been reacting to my messages. That's why I asked on here for opinions and based on the comments from the thread, I decided he meant well.
I'm still chatting to him but I think I might have to give up soon as I'm not getting much back from him.

But I think you're spot on about text communication. It's so difficult to judge the emotion behind it sometimes and a lot of assumptions are made about meaning.

I'm a fan of early phone calls, since a guy I was speaking to by text, had a very very feminine voice that turned me right off, a face to face date would have been very difficult.

I love speaking earlier, you get so much more out of things.

I'm a fan of voice clips on whatsapp - if you've already had a convo on the phone or met - i'll just voiceclip if i have something longer to say rather than be endlessly typing

@supercali77
I’m probably being led by my vagina rather than my brain - I do find him attractive and haven’t had that for a while

Problem is instead of us just enjoying ourselves and going with the flow (as we both mutually decided we would) he’s over invested in me and it’s setting off his anxiety

I’m ok with dating exclusively but this doesn’t mean I’m going to marry him, in his mind perhaps this means something else more serious or what he needs from me

@pookie - yep, I hear ya. Fancying someone sorta trashes all the other stuff....I suppose, where's the line and whether you reckon long term it would work, and at what point would he be waay over invested and therefore overly hurt if you decided it wasn't right? Maybe suggest he goes to yoga/meditation/see someone re: the anxiety? Anything to help really which isn't using your feedback as a crux for him to 'be ok'

It’s very dodgy ground - part of the reason I am so sexually attracted to him is BECAUSE he’s intense, brooding and ‘my type on paper’ looks wise. He’s into me, not critical of me, considerate and makes a lot of effort. There is a lot to like. He’s thoughtful and insightful, he is interesting.

But yeah I had this horrible thought that if I broke up with him he could potentially be nasty about it

Feeling pretty rubbish about this OLD stuff today. Meant to be meeting Mr Kayak Tuesday but I’m now having 2nd thoughts, the fact he has young kids is really putting me off, mainly because mine are now in their teens and I am looking forward to my freedom, would love someone to travel with when my dd’s Leave home (if they ever leave home), Mr Kayak has a 3 year old so it would be some time before he’s no longer tied down.

Just feels like all the men online have young kids, and the ones that don’t have kids are really odd (can see why some of them have never been in a relationship long enough to consider having any children). Even most of the men in their 40’s seem to have young kids, I can’t seem to find anyone with older children like me.

I think I will have to be straight up with Mr Kayak and tell him that we will never be in a serious relationship due to him having young children. I have mentioned it to him (that I wasn’t really looking for someone with young kids), it’s a shame as I like him but it’s a big one for me. I have helped raise step children and then my own, I want child free time (hopefully for ever).

Just been back on POF and had a look, nothing catching my eye.

@Lovemusic33 I find the opposite, men with older kids or only have them one day a week whereas I have 18m olds who I have full time and I definitely feel a hopeless case! Not looking for a new dad, just someone to spend time with!

How old are you Eesha ? I’m almost 37, I usually date men a few years older but recently have dated a few years younger, so far I have only dated one man who’s kids are in their late teens, all the others either have young children or they want them.

I end up with men with little kids too and it is frustrating

Pookie I think a lot of men have kids late or they are in their 2nd lot (2nd wife). I had my kids when I was young so most men my age and older seem to have small kids

I probably sound crazy but I would rather stay single than be in a relationship with someone who has small children.

I'm 41 and tend to date a bit older but all have teen kids and don't want to take on anything else. I just have limited time so understandably they want someone with grown up kids who they can spend their quality time with

I’m not going to rule them out completely as it depends on their parenting skills imo 😂

I'm the same love. My youngest is 17 and I'm mid/late 40s. No way I can do littlies again...

I also match with a lot of men who don't have kids and still want..

So that leaves a small sub section of men who have older children or don't want and there aren't many of them!

Daffo it’s frustrating isn’t it? It doesn’t really fill me with hope. 2 of my irons don’t have children, one has possible mental health issues and the other one is just a bit odd, both live with parents. There doesn’t seem to be many men that have got their shit together and don’t have small kids

maybe we need to share names of who we have, so everyone gets what they want!

I have just turned 38 and have 2 teens 16 and 14 and cant have more kids

I have no hope of finding a guy my age in a similar situation

I am amazed at the number of men who say on their profiles they are looking to date women 40+ and then say they want to have children. Am I the only one who is surprised that in this day and age men really still don’t have a clue!