Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Hello everybody!

Corvid I'm so sorry you're feeling glum. It happens to me too! There are days when you wonder if you really matter to anyone really, which is silly but totally understandable. OLD can really shake our self confidence. Something good is bound to happen to you at some point. Life can be about good surprises too.

Pringlecat, thank you for the new thread title. I hope you're having a good day. I'm returning with an update about the message I sent to my new man after our second date, remember ; when I told him I would like us to have a bit of regular contact? He instantly answered that evening with an enthusiastic yes and promptly sent me a few messages asking me how I was, etc. Unfortunately I didn't receive them until the next morning. (Our phones have been doing weird things, sending a whole set of messages from him twice on two consecutive days, or sending the messages in the wrong chronological order.) When I sent him an equally enthusiastic response in the morning he gently expressed disappointment that I'd taken 12 hours to reply but I explained the problem and we were fine.

I'm still treading cautiously although he's been making contact regularly. He admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that he's afraid after past breakups. Today he told me that he wanted things to develop with me but that he's treading carefully. I totally get that but am remaining philosophical about any future outcome.

The best thing I'm learning from all this is about being true to myself and communicating clearly and respectfully to others (without pushing away ).

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the support!

I am lucky in many ways. things aren't that bad, I definitely have fewer bad days than when I was in a bad relationship and just after the end of it. So yeah I really need to focus on the positives, decide what I want out of life and go for it, instead of sitting around wondering why things aren't falling into my lap :)

I think I need to talk to people more. I need to tell everyone what I want - not love :) but I mean work, projects I would like to pursue, things I am interested in. I feel like I have always locked up my hopes and ambitions out of lack of confidence and fear and then nothing happens for me because no one is pushing it. No one is going to push it if I don't!

Dating is just a waste of time sometimes. I really want that dopamine hit that someone seems to want me. but they never really do and I just need to detach and think about more important things

but having said that....

gettingsthere you sound very sorted. I like your approach to communication - and even talking about communication :) I hope I grow up to be you one day

I agree @gettingsthere - you inspire me to be more open and honest about exactly what I do want from the start...

Thanks @panda @cool and @yeah. I’m feeling a bit better now. I’m just not used to being dumped, it’s usually me that ends things so I think my ego has been dented. I think i’m also annoyed at myself for ignoring the very clear signs that he wasn’t that into me and ploughed on regardless despite this. It was only because he was really handsome. His texts were a bit too mundane for my liking and I didn’t get any butterflies around him.

Despite deleting all the apps this morning I’ve now re-downloaded them I’m going to try Hinge on your suggestion @panda

Corvid and hatty44, I think you kind messages have pretty much made my day, thank you!

Omfg OMFG Mr Music has turned up and he is fucking gorgeous. Stop me now!

corvid I go through periods like that too. Take a break and do something you enjoy and you'll be back at it soon enough:) xx

Good luck shit

So, when I ran into Mr Young and Hot last night (who is a walking disaster given he's not single), I met one of his coworkers, who seemed quite nice. He was a little bit tipsy when I joined the party and I didn't get to speak to him much, but I thought he might like me from a comment he made. Connected with him on social media today and we've been exchanging a few messages, which I didn't expect.

I think I might like this one... not sure. We have a lot in common. I could definitely engineer bumping into him in real life again. Tempted to do that to make sure.

Of course, the problem is he might not find me half as pretty when he's sober... the problem with meeting people at parties!

Fucking hell. I keep meeting guys (online not irl) who seem fab in print, lots of laughter, things in common etc but ghosted every single time it comes to meeting.
Then the guys I'm really not interested in can't get enough of me.
The ones I contact first seem to be the best of a bunch, some ghost me or some just become Uber dry and boring so it becomes like pulling teeth
The keen ones are never my typefor whatever reasons
What am I doing wrong?
The one who seemed the best bet, we almost met a few times but he has this awful flu (apparently) so we had lots of online chats and laughs and because of a shared interest followed each other on ig.
Based on who I'd seen liking his stuff, i had a look today at who he follows and a large proportion seems to be very young and beautiful Asian girls.
It kind of put me off a bit. I'm neither very young nor at all Asian.
Am I right to be a little creeped out or is this 'normal'?
For context we're in our 40s...

@dragonflyflew yes he's a creep! Even if he follows them for porny purposes it kind of advertises his sexual taste in a way that I would find weird as a real life breathing woman who wants to date him

I find that the ghosts and losers... just let them be. When someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they will DO IT. I'm still on the edge of heartbreak from my breakup but that at least moved into a mutual relationship, something clowns on the internet do not!

I'm actually going to start dating with a new agenda: I'm exhausted and tired from commitment but I do want intimacy and silliness and some company.

Dragon that would put me off, I usually add prospective dates on social media and if I see things like that I don't meet them.

Thank you asleep and frida I'm never sure if I'm being too prudish, I'm not prudish at all but it didn't sit right with me. Best to find out now before any investment!

Asleep sorry you're still feeling on the edge of heartbreak, hope you can find a happy distraction. I had an accident yesterday, feeling a bit sad and vulnerable as no one at home to comfort me or do things for me. I work with men so no tea and sympathy there either!

So I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and a tiny bit frightened after a coffee date yesterday. I should preface the story by saying that he only knows my first name and profession ... no surname, address, email, FB, phone number, whatsapp etc. We have only communicated on OKC.

The date was full of boring wankery dressed up as 'self-reflective' and 'insightful' comments. He described himself as a polyamorous non-religious Christian. He left the date 3 times to have a cigarette (smoking is a dealbreaker for me anyway, everything else aside). He described his ex-wife as a megalomaniac control freak, and is taking her to court. He told me he was a single dad, but 2 of his children don't live with him at all, and the youngest he has for 1 night a week. His parenting agreement (decided up 2 days ago) stipulates that if he 1 night per week goes well for 3 months, contact can be increased to 1.5 days per week. Total red flags. I'm in Australia, and 50/50 shared care is the norm, unless there are extenuating circumstances such as DV/significant illness/parents working away etc. He asked lots of probing questions that were really just boundary violations, and trying to get me to reveal things about myself that were more intimate than I would tell a total stranger. He kept trying to get me to categorise our relationships ... friendship, emotional connection, fuck buddy, FWB etc. I told him I wasn't sexually attracted to him at all. I felt intimidated by him, and agreed to a second date because I'd used up all my assertiveness telling him I wasn't attracted to him.

Then, an hour after our date finished, he sent me a message RATING ME!!!!!!!

"I'm now bubbling with thoughts and insights. There was insufficient time. We'll talk them over in bed eventually"

"Because I'm logical, scientific and a bit wird, this is what I've come up from my subjective persective after our coffee together. What do you think xxxx?"

"Score % compared to population: You/Me
Socioeconomic food chain level: 61/58
Interpersonal relationships skills: 51/65
Personal insight and awareness: 63/70
Tendency towards personal growth: 65/72
Strenth's to help each other's growth: 71/71
Self-disclosure and emotional risk taking: 52/84
Maximum conversational sophistication: 81/84"

"Attraction is 1% physical, 1% socioeconomic, and 98% personality/values."

I replied:
"That rating is hands down the strangest post-date message I've ever received. I'm not sure negging really works for me as a means of communication."

I then felt a bit frightened all evening about what his response would be until my friend convinced me to block him, and buy the Gift of Fear on my kindle.

And I will go back and read the thread now and respond to everybody else ... just had to do a brain dump, as I'm still feeling a bit teary about it today.

April he sounds deranged 😯.

Block him on app.

Doing some thread catching up...

@AprilFool18 He sounds TERRIBLE. Block him. Block him! This is why I don't go by my real name and am vague about my profession. You never know someone's a nutter... until you know.

@AsleepAllDay Sounds like a good plan.

@dragonflyflew When someone has such an obvious fetish like that, it creeps me out, even if I would 'fit into' that fetish. I really would feel uncomfortable too.

@shitwithsugaron No update... Hope you're OK.

@DaffoDeffo? Well? I feel you owe us more details!

@RaspberryGirl It's always horrible being dumped, even if you're not into the other person! Pick yourself up. You can find better.

@gettingstherehopefully It's good that you're feel philosophical about it. Well done you for managing to not obsess about the situation and feel confident in your own awesomeness and whatever will or won't happen with this guy. It's so hard to do, and it sounds like you're nailing it.

@YeahCorvid I know what you mean. There's this feeling that just hits you in the stomach when you realise that the man in front of you really, genuinely wants you. Makes you feel that little bit taller.

I think people are more emotionally fragile these days. Probably because other people are just bloody weirder these days. Technology has a lot to be blamed for...

@coolcahuna Good luck with your date today!

@pudding21 How many times has he stayed over? I recognise the name, so I wondered if this was an older iron rather than a new one (although I know we're all guilty of reusing names sometimes - there are only so many to go round). There's definitely a graph where mooseburgers go from shit to amazing then plateau back down to nothingness if we don't actively work on the magic. I wondered if maybe things might get better, or if it was a permanent issue that means he's not an ideal match in bed?

@VixenSixen Take care of yourself. I haven't read back for the history, but it strikes me that you're more invested in Mr I Don't Know What than he is in you. Remember you're the prize and don't get swept away by someone who doesn't up his game to recognise you're the prize.

Good luck to everyone going on dates this weekend!

Saw Mr Young and Hot. He's not suitable. There is a definite spark between us - still - but if he's been dating his girlfriend since the beginning of time, either he's a pig for being open to cheating on her, or he's a coward for leaving something that isn't working. I don't want a pig or a coward. I keep having to tell myself I don't want him. Argh. He's so good at snogging and I cannot let that happen.

Messaged Mr Northern (a colleague of Mr Young and Hot) on social media today. Have managed to work out he's between 7 and 11 years older than me (still no intel on whether he's single and I assume nothing these days). Hmm. I felt... something. I think he likes me. But he might just be really friendly. Some people are.

New iron on POF. Mr Pilot. Seems nice. Not massively interesting (even though a pilot) but could understand my busy lifestyle and adapt to the pace. Might think about meeting up with that one.

I don't really feel like I have any good irons at present. But I do feel like I really want a good snog. Lots of swiping this weekend. There must be someone vaguely cute who wants to go on a date with me soon. Wanting to persevere with online dating is half the battle, I guess...

@RaspberryGirl That was a very unfair thing that he did to you. He packed an overnight bag, so he knew what he was doing when he packed it. And he knew how he was feeling before he got the bag from the car. Two opportunities he could have been honest about his intention to end things.

@pudding21 Sounds like a lovely evening with Mr Surf/Ski. That's the kind of evening I want to be having.

@YeahCorvid That sounds really lonely. Remember the thread rule about trust your gut. All your matches … do you have a reserved gut feeling about any of them? Do you feel meh about any of them? Then unmatch! Stick with 1 or 2 that seem to have real potential. You are the prize!! Do you have friends you could concentrate on instead, or a new hobby? I've decided to take up hula-hooping, and the bass guitar. And I've been neglecting my friends a bit lately in lieu of OLD, so I'm planning on making more time for them again.

@DaffoDeffo Mr Music sounds amazing!!!

@dragonflyflew Ewwww, yes he's a creep. I think who people follow on IG is a pretty good indication of their interests, and yeah, if he's using it as a soft porn collection, it seems a bit public to me. Maybe that's my inner prude speaking though. I hope you are feeling OK after your accident. Were you hurt?

@Pringlecat Good look with your swiping! I hope you find a lovely snoggable date for this weekend!

Hello all, just checking in to new thread.

@AprilFool18 Holy crap that sounds like the World's Worst Date. What a vile human being that man is. Hope you are feeling a bit less shaken up by it today.

I've nowt to report. Not a sniff of a date at the moment! Lots of chats but no contenders. Ah well, dates are like buses, or so I've heard. Best renew my travel card and sit tight!

Hi all!
I am joining you
I’ve had a bit of a crap start to the year with a break up and a creepy assed idiot harrassing me but it’s been 6 months since any physical contact and I am ready to get back in the game

So I downloaded bumble and got to work. I had tinder and POF but didn’t really invest much time in them

Anyway I have a date tonight. I didn’t fancy my last partner all that much to be honest. And I haven’t really proper fanny flutter over a guy in a long time. But this one really is cute (I hope) he’s also very funny

BUT
I am concerned that he has his small DC full time and has some ex drama... that isn’t what I was looking for. He’s been very gracious about it so far and not ‘my ex is a crazy bitch’... I asked him about his DC so he responded. So I am keeping a close eye on that element

Also the old worry that he hasn’t met me yet but seems so keen. I don’t want him to be disappointed face to face!!

Lastly some comments from about anxiety and ‘being a perfectionist’ I also do not want that in a man either so need to see if that’s just joking or real. At least he has some insight into it if he is....

He’s not much taller than me so I am having a debate about heels or no heels. FYI cute face wins over height EVERY TIME