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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had a affair, now i am pregnant

272 replies

donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

sorry forgot to add that dh knows nothing about pregnancy yet

OP posts:
edam · 05/06/2007 16:27

Sounds like a dreadful situation. Does dh know you are pregnant? And does he realise your uncertainty about whose it is?

edam · 05/06/2007 16:27

Well, you could have an early abortion without telling dh...

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:27

I think you have to tell dh
More lies will just make everything worse

fireflyfairy2 · 05/06/2007 16:28

Tell your dh & see if you can both work through it.

The man deserves a medal if he says he will try

mears · 05/06/2007 16:29

How pregnant do you think you are? That should give some clue. When was your last period?

whomovedmychocolate · 05/06/2007 16:29

Bugger! Well they do say one in 10 UK children are conceived by someone other than the presumed daddy so you aren't alone.

How pregnant are you? Are you sure it could be the other chaps?

Desiderata · 05/06/2007 16:30

I'm not sure you'll get many posts, donnadell (could be wrong). It's not because you've had an affair (and I'm sure you're sorry), but because of the impossible situation you now find yourself in. I'm not sure what advice any of us can give ... except sweat it out and hope for the best.

I'm stumped, but I'm really hoping that someone will come on with some words of wisdom to help you through this

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:30

i dont know if i could live with myself if i had a abortion, its bad enough knowing the effect that ive had on dh already, then again i cant live without dh but would never say that the baby for his for sure, i do think its more likley to be dh's but maybe i am just fooling myself.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 05/06/2007 16:30

ask for a dating scan asap

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:31

I really would say this

Your dh will be having major issues with trusting you at the moment

If he finds you have told him more lies it will be infinitely worse for him in the long run and I think it is his feelings you should be thinking of if you are trying to make amends and rebuild trust after an affair.

FioFio · 05/06/2007 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RnBee · 05/06/2007 16:31

Hi Donnadell,

So sorry you are going through this I can only guess what turmoil you are going through. How do you think your husband would react to the pregnancy? Do you think that he would end your relationship if he thought the baby wasn't his?

Desiderata · 05/06/2007 16:32

The problem is, donna, that when he does find out you're pregnant, he's going to have huge doubts himself.

mummydoit · 05/06/2007 16:33

I think you're going to have to talk to your DH about this. If you go ahead with the pregnancy, he's going to have to decide whether he can raise a child that might not be his. You can always do a paternity test once the baby is born but you need to prepared for both possible outcomes. Presumably he will know by dates that the baby might not be his. Don't be tempted to tell him any lies. It sounds as though your marriage is in trouble enough and your DH needs complete honesty from you, then you need to give him time to reach a decision and come to terms with it. I hope you can both get through this. Good luck.

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:33

im about 8 weeks, so that would mean if baby was om's it would have been right at the end of the affair when we did not have sex much anyway, then again me and dh were not exactly at it much either, i dont know if there is anyway the doctor would give me a early scan and see if that made things any clearer, i had been feeling dodgy for the past few weeks but put it down to everything that had happened.

OP posts:
bananabump · 05/06/2007 16:34

No, she said she couldn't face an abortion. Look, I think the only thing you CAN say is that you were being careful but that the antibiotics you were on must have rendered the pill ineffective.

Do you know how far gone you are? Perhaps when you get your first scan they can give you an idea of when it was conceived, would you be able to figure out whose it was from that, or were you sleeping with both men at the time?

I think you need to be honest with your dh as soon as possible, the problem will only get worse, and better to say now than to keep it a secret for any longer. Do you have any idea what your dh will say about it? will he encourage you to get rid of it?

Do you want the baby enough to consider raising him alone, perhaps until you could get a paternity test to tell whose child he was?

CarGirl · 05/06/2007 16:34

yes I think you need to be honest. Not sure how you can get an early dating scan but I got them as I didn'tknow when my last period was once, another time because there was a lot of bleeding. You need to find out how pregnant you are to ascertain how likely it is to be om and then take if from there and tell your dh.

bananabump · 05/06/2007 16:34

Sorry, x posts.

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:35

Are you thinking of not telling him to protect him or yourself, if it is the former then it will not protect him it will shatter him to know that you are lieing again.

You have to face up to the consequences of your actions however awful they may be

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:36

i would never ever lie and say that the baby was dh's if i was not sure, i am a total cow after what i have done but even i would not stoop that low, he is a fantastic dad to our 2 dd's (yes dc are involved as well )

OP posts:
Eleusis · 05/06/2007 16:37

Oh oh oh... you are back.

mummydoit · 05/06/2007 16:37

If you're 8 weeks, you can definitely get a dating scan. I had one at six weeks.

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:37

I mean lieing by not telling him you are pg and that it might not be his

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:37

i am a bit
only cos working at home!