Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had a affair, now i am pregnant

272 replies

donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 05/06/2007 16:39

I think you could get a dating scan either through your EPU by making up some symptoms to justify asking for a scan or, I believe, if you go to a private abortion clinic, they should scan you to check the age of the baby so that would be another way to find out. Depending on what that shows, I kind of agree that however awful the consequences might be, you need to come clean with your dh. It might come out years down the line and it would be so much worse then...

mears · 05/06/2007 16:40

I think you need to be upfront with your DH as soon as possible. There is absolutely no easy way round this but you need to tell him ASAP so that he doesn't accuse you of hiding things from him. If you were having sex with both men at the same time you will not know who the father is till after delivery - there is no getting round that.

You have decided you will keep the baby - your DH will have to decide whether he can stay with you. It is his decision to make not yours.

whomovedmychocolate · 05/06/2007 16:40

Since you have other kids you have no option but to tell him and let him decide to stay or go. There will always be a cloud over this pregnancy and until you have a paternity test. How will the OM feel when you tell him?

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:40

i really have no idea what he will say when i tell him, i dont expect that anyone would forgive this, even if we did keep our fingers crossed that baby was his we would still spend the next 8 months or so wondering all the time what the outcome would be.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:41

oh what a tangled web we weave
really
affairs are hell on earth mumsnet seems to be affairsnet at the moment

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:41

oh god i had not even thought that i would have to tell om. i have been so worried about dh.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:41

Don't worry about OM for now
presumably he is out of your life

CarGirl · 05/06/2007 16:41

I would suggest not telling the om and just keeping it all between you and dh until you have both decided what to do.

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:43

yes om totally out of my life. well i thought he was anyway things may change a bit now

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:43

seriously then don't worry about him
concentrate on your dh

Eleusis · 05/06/2007 16:43

Nice to see you. But, speaking of work, gotta go...

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:45

i cant believe what a mess i have made of things, even if dh was willing to stick by me and someone elses baby he might decide that he does not want om to know, i would cut my right arm of if gave me the power to go back in time.

OP posts:
Eleusis · 05/06/2007 16:45

Do you have other kids? If so, I think you should consider the impact on them if this baby is not your husband's. If this baby causes a divorce, those other kids may well blame you for the rest of their lives for breaking up their family. Sorry if this is harsh, but I think you should think of everyone who will be affected by your decisions.

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:47

eleusis, i have been thinking the same, maybe it would be better if i did go behind everyones back and have a abortion, i deserve to live with the pain of it. can anyone give me some idea of what a early abortion involves would i have to go into hospital or anything. i want things to work with dh more than anything in the world.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 05/06/2007 16:47

I don't think having or not having a baby will change the impact, living with an abortion is not easy and may destroy the marriage too.

What a mess, perhaps you need to see relate or something like that to help you both through this.

Eleusis · 05/06/2007 16:48

Let's faace it, if this baby is not his, your DH is probably not going to stay anyway. Now I don't know him, but what man would stay? So, by having this baby you take a big risk that it will be what breaks the marriage. And then how will you feel towards this baby? Will you love it like any other child. Or will you resent it for destroying your marriage.

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:49

I don't think you can blame the baby
It is the betrayal that will have runined the marriage

Wotz · 05/06/2007 16:50

do you know if the om can have children or has that been answered here?

Eleusis · 05/06/2007 16:50

If you would consider an abortion, I think you better act fast. Get to the GP tomorrow morning, and get a scan immediately to date it. The GP should be able to tell you your options. I don't know. Can you still take a pill at 8 weeks?

Eleusis · 05/06/2007 16:50

I know, but people's feeling aren't always logical, CD. These things happen.

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:51

have no idea if om can have children all i nkow is so far he has none, i think it would be a miracle if i would out just now that he could not have them

OP posts:
CarGirl · 05/06/2007 16:51

If you go the abortion route I think you should still tell dh first because I think you will end up telling him and then you have been lying/deceitful to him again.

Mindles · 05/06/2007 16:52

With an early abortion you would be in and out in a day. But I don't recommend it if you have any other options, especially if you will not have anyone to talk to about it. It really is quite a horrible thing to have to go through and you will need emotional support. I can understand why you think you might have to, but please don't have a secret abortion.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2007 16:54

'And then how will you feel towards this baby? Will you love it like any other child. Or will you resent it for destroying your marriage.'

I see your point, but really, the only people who destroy a marriage are the those involved in it.

Poor baby.

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:54

if i was to have a abortion i dont think i have any right to relay on dh for support giving the circumstances, either way i think i will be on my own

OP posts: