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Original poster

had a affair, now i am pregnant

272 replies

donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

OP posts:
lou33 · 06/06/2007 13:32

fwiw, i have no advice to add, but i think you are coping with a really difficult situation very well, and i hope you find a way to work through this with your h

cazee · 06/06/2007 13:32

TaylorsMummy, I don't believe that a dead child is better than an unwanted child.
There are options, and if the baby is truly unwanted it can be put up for adoption. My DH was adopted and he is the most wanted child on earth.
The op herself opened by saying "I can't face the idea of a abortion, even if I was 100% sure it was om's I don't think I could do it". She is now in great turmoil, facing a terrible decision that she will have to live with forever. If she feels that way about abortion it will make it even harder for her to live with that decision.

caterpiller · 06/06/2007 13:34

Cazee, it wasn't the other children who made the mistake either. But a decision has to be made. The other 'older' childrens' needs are more important.

Blu · 06/06/2007 13:34

donnadell, well done for talking openly with your dh. I think that it bodes well that he was upset rather than angry (not that 'well' is quite the right word, but you know what i mean). I hope that the few days apart can help you focus on what you want most, and how you can best make that happen.

Here on MN people can suggest things to take into consideration, but it's important that you come to your own thoughts and decisions, not other people's.

Good luck.

TaylorsMummy · 06/06/2007 13:36

fine.if she doesn't want an abortion,then good for her.if she can keep the baby and sod what happens because of that,then i admire her.all i am saying to you is that you harping on about stages of development is not helpful.any mother knows all about that already.and references to a 'dead child' are just incorrect.it is not a child.it is an embryo.and it is not what i would call dead because it was never capable of independant life.

Chattyhan · 06/06/2007 13:36

I have a friend who went through a very simular experience. They were going through a rough patch and she became pregnant by om and found out a few days after her and dp had decided to give it another go!

She was sure that baby was om and was honest and upfront with dp. She explained she couldn't face abortion and the lo is now 2.5.

The om has contact with the child every sat but otherwise he is raised as their 3rd child. Their family life is still rocky but ok. lo is a constant reminder of what happened and they both find that hard.

babyblue2 · 06/06/2007 13:37

The decision to have a termination is down to the OP and her husband, whether we think it is right or wrong, its what they've discussed. Her decision doesn't affect us, it affects them. Hope it works out.

caterpiller · 06/06/2007 13:39

Exactly, Taylorsmummy.
In fact, I think its cruel to encourage op to look at images of a feotus at this stage. It's almost like emotional blackmail imo.

ernest · 06/06/2007 13:39

if you are both against abortion, but he doesn't want to raise another man's child, but this child might actually be his ... would you not consider having it adopted? Also not an easy option, but in your position, one I'd err more towards.

Oh, and well done for telling him, must have been one of the worst conversations of your life. How heart breaking for your dh.

A couple of days space to think and be apart is probably what both of you need right now.

ALwys willing to talk if you want to CAT me. Take care. You are all in a really shit place right now. But you will be happy again.

cazee · 06/06/2007 13:43

I don't think that this thread should now become one on the rights and wrongs of abortion, but for the record TaylorsMummy, you may not consider that at 8 weeks it is a child, but I do. Because I feel that, I want to protect its life. If you don't see it as a baby then I understand that you would think it ok to abort.
I refered to stages of development because I often here the phrase "bunch of cells", and I do think people are suprised to hear that it has eyes, hands, feet, working organs etc.

Original poster
donnadell · 06/06/2007 13:44

as terrible as it sounds i think the desision is going to have to be more my husbands, im not going to put him on the spot and ask him but if he feels he cant go through with this then i dont think i have much chioice other than to have a abortion. i think i have done enough damage to everyone around me without having to drag it out even more.

and for the poster who went on about how reckless i was not using condoms, do you not think that has crossed my mind a million times in the last few days, i was reckless enough to actually have a affair so really condoms were the last thing that i was thinking of, or if im totally truthfull i did think of them but the thought of being caught with them in my bag was enough to put me of using them, some times people do very stupid things.

OP posts:
caterpiller · 06/06/2007 13:45

But presumably you'd test it as soon as it was born to see who the father is. Imagine the scenario: Would anyone really be able to say yes to adoption once the baby had been born just because of its genes??? Or, 'Ok, we'll take it then' if it turns out to be dh's.

CarGirl · 06/06/2007 13:46

can I suggest you get a dating scan urgently, you may be less pregnant than you think in which case it would be you dh's?

Original poster
donnadell · 06/06/2007 13:49

i have got the doctors later on this afternoon, someone told me to say i want a abortion and tthat way i will get a scan tomorrow, not sure if its true or not but really dont think i could face saying the words yet anyway, im hoping that i can get a scan quick even if it means going private.

OP posts:
overdraft · 06/06/2007 13:50

Donna do what is right for you and and dh and indeed your little one. What if dh can't bear to bring up another mans child and you go through with having it. Your little boy is going to suffer too and loses his daddy.
Hugs to you XXXXX
F.w.i.w my dh had an affair and we are still together and it is painful enough to move on.I don't think I could cope if a product of dh and her relationship was staring me in the face every day. He will be a great man if he can.

CarGirl · 06/06/2007 13:52

Let us know how you get on. No-one can every say what they would do in someone elses shoes. I've been though some hairy things in the past and when push came to shove I just couldn't abort but it is your decision and try and remember that.

Thinking of you.

snowleopard · 06/06/2007 14:02

cazee, this isn't the time or place. The OP is in an extraordinarily difficult situation and may end up having a termination as a last resort - that is a difficult enough decision without you making her feel worse. What you think about what an embryo is should affect your decisions, but it's not a matter for preaching to others on - not on this thread anyway. If you want to discuss the rights and wrongs, you could start a separate thread so the the OP will not be forced to read your posts.

cazee · 06/06/2007 14:06

snowleopard, I am the one who said this is not the place, but I felt I needed to respond to the previous comment. Someone stated that at 8 weeks it is not a baby, I think that is is important to state that that is a matter of opinion, not a fact. I am off to do DDs nappy now, so I will bow out of this. I find abortion threads really upsetting.

snowleopard · 06/06/2007 14:48

Fair enough cazee you did say that, but I was worried that some of the terms you were using were really emotive and doing nothing to be supportive. Yes it's an upsetting subject and I don't think any of us think abortion is an easy choice or a walk in the park. But I do feel this OP needs support.

BellaLasagne · 06/06/2007 18:34

How are you this evening Donna? How did you get on at the Drs?

wizadora · 06/06/2007 19:37

what an awful situation.if you were to have an abortion you have to bear in mind whether you could cope with always thinking "what if?" and whether you will always be wondering if it had been dhs or oms.i found a clip for you.i didnt know this was an option
"Patients who wish to determine paternity before the baby is born may take a prenatal paternity test. Like a standard paternity test, the prenatal test compares the baby?s DNA profile with that of the alleged father. Because the baby?s DNA is set at conception, the prenatal test gives the same conclusive results as the standard paternity test.

To obtain samples from the unborn child, an OB-GYN uses either of two procedures depending on the stage of pregnancy: chorionic villi sampling (CVS) or amniocentesis"

maybe you could find out soon the paternity of the baby and go from there.
sounds like you will need dna from om though

ernest · 06/06/2007 19:42

surely tho they'd only need dna from donna's dh. if the baby's dna didn't match dh'd. then it would be om's, without needing om's dna to get the result iyswim.

but that aside, how are you donna, apart from going through hell, of course. must be extra tough with dh away. Are you nevertheless in contact? After I found out about my dh's affair, I packed him off to a hotel for a week so I could think. I didn't speak to him for the 1st couple of nights, but then he'd call and we'd chat for about an hour. I found those calls surprisingly useful, and they were all calm and valuable in talking our way through some of the issues.

Are you on your own?

Hope the doctor was sympathetic.
xx

wizadora · 06/06/2007 19:43

although saying that it could be compared with DHs then if it was neg you would know for def.sounds like a private thing though.prob v costly.
if the baby was dhs would you keep it? and if it was oms would you def have an abortion? if you knew for def i mean

hurtwife · 06/06/2007 19:43

Hi

Just wnated to add that I am thinking of you. Hope you managed to get some comfort from the DR.

I have been the wronged wife recently so dont want to get me started on the affair bit. We are currently working it out and it is getting better all the time - something i thought imposible a few months ago.

Give your H a big hug from me as he must be really going throug it - but if he sticks by he must a great guy.

I too had an unplanned pregnancy (with H so not so complicated). But it is hard to carry a baby for 9 months without knowing if you really want it and the only thing that you know is that you couldnt have an abortion. Everyone was worried about me and many thought i could reject the baby. But the second she was born i just knew i had done the right thing.

It has not been easy and may have caused the affair to some extent - and i still wonder what life would have been like if i had choosen to abort.

You are in a mess not helped by hormones - you are the only one to know what your morals are deep down - you probably never thought you would have an affair!!

How would you feel if you did abort and then your marriage ended anyway - it is not an easy ride for the next few months!!

Let us know what happens anyway - and i for one will not judge you whatever.

ernest · 06/06/2007 19:46

hi hurtwife - been re-reading some of your posts to me Thanks a million again.

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