Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

had a affair, now i am pregnant

272 replies

donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

OP posts:

Mindles · 05/06/2007 16:54

I think you can have the abortion pill up to 12 weeks. Not sure that's a good option as it essentially induces a miscarriage and (I think - could be wrong) they will give you the pills and send you home to deal with it on your own. At least with the surgical procedure the physical aspect is over by the time you leave the clinic.

Pages · 05/06/2007 16:57

Donnadell, I do feel for you and am sorry you are going through a hard time. You have made a mistake but we are all human and I think your only option now is as others have said is to ensure that you don't lie to him any further - the trust between you needs to be restored. This could be his baby or it may not, he may stay with you or not, but either way this affects you both and he needs to be part of the decision making process (at least in the sense that he can choose to stay or go).

If you kept it secret and forced yourself to have an early termination when you don't really want to the repercussions will be massive and you will not be able to deal with the aftermath in silence. It will affect your relationship with your DH anyway, and there will almost certainly be a price to pay. I have a friend who was pushed into a termination by her partner, in different circumstances, but it has affected her really badly ever since, she ended up having a breakdown and has never forgiven her partner.

Your DH may find it in his heart to accept the situation, even if not immediately, and you could have a paternity test when the baby is born. He is just getting used to the fact that you had an affair, so give him time. If he does agree to live with the situation you will be very lucky but even if he doesn't or can't my feeling is that this is what life has thrown at you and you just need to try and be strong and deal with it in a way that will make you proud of yourself when you look back. Accept that he is going to be really really upset with you, reassure him that it is him you want to be with even if he doesn't appear to want you, and trust that in time things will turn out as they are meant to.

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 16:58

ahve you been for relationship counselling?

I suggest you do if not

maisemor · 05/06/2007 16:59

I would say that you need to tell your husband and listen to what he has to say.

If you want this marriage to work you need to be 100% honest with him. At least it could be his.

BIG hug to you, not an easy situation you have put yourself in here.

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 05/06/2007 17:00

He may not give you any support if you abort but he needs to be part of the decision process. He may demand you have one to stay together, he may say it's your choice but if it's not his child he wants nothing to do with it etc.

I just think you need to be honest and open and tell him otherwise I don't think there is going to be a marriage left to salvage.

Original poster

donnadell · 05/06/2007 17:02

i cant believe what a mess i have put us in, im so angry with myself and even though i have no right to be i am so angry with om for being able to walk away from all this.

OP posts:

kiteflying · 05/06/2007 17:03

I just feel wrong trying to give advice when I have no idea what you must be going through. But, it does sound like the only thing you are certain about is that you don't want an abortion. So hold on to that. Don't let what everyone around you might or might not think of you, or even how guilty you feel about the affair, get in the way of the way you think/feel about the pregnancy. Just take it one step at a time. Dating scan, honest talk with husband and hope for the best. If it is your husband's what a great way to start again. Can't you focus on that? You shouldn't have to tell the OM until and if the paternity test tips that way and who knows if you can find him then. And your husband might decide he doesn't want the paternity test. I would make that his choice as much as anything else, but he shouldn't be the one to decide whether you keep the baby.

Original poster

donnadell · 05/06/2007 17:05

i think i will talk to dh about it but if he is determined that he cant live with the fact it could be om's i think i will have to have a abortion, as someone else pointed out i have another 2 children to think about, they would grow up to hate me if we split up over this.

OP posts:

Pages · 05/06/2007 17:05

PS You can get a dating scan as early as 5 weeks now.

Original poster

donnadell · 05/06/2007 17:08

i might dissaper soon because dh is due back from work but i will try and come back on later, thank you everyone for your help, im sure this will turn into a slanging match at somepoint but i really was not expecting so many people to be understanding towards me.

OP posts:

JodieG1 · 05/06/2007 17:13

Also get yourself tested for various diseases as you weren't using condoms with the other man. I would use condoms with dh (if he wants sex with you) until you get the results as I'm sure that would piss him off even more if he caught something from you. If you tell him you're pregnant he won't know whose baby it is so I wouldn't expect him to support you. If after the birth the baby turns out not to be his then don't be surprised if he doesn't stay with you.

I personally wouldn't have an abortion as it's still your baby and whatever else happens that won't change. You had an affair and sex without condoms so you have to face teh consequences imho. Pills aren't 100%.

Original poster

donnadell · 05/06/2007 17:16

i know i have to face the concequenses, that also imho, the problem i have is i dont know how to face them or which way to turn, i dont want to cause any more pain to dh than what i have already and am a total mess about how to do this.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 17:21

relationship counselling would really help you know

FioFio · 05/06/2007 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wannaBe · 05/06/2007 17:29

OK FIRSTLY, YOU SCREWED UP AND WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG, BUT AS YOUR DH NOW KNOWS ABOUT IT THE ONLY WAY IS FORWARD.

The only way you are going to be able to look to the future, either with or without your dh, is to be 100% honest. Nothing else is good enough, no matter how much you think it might hurt you, hurt your dh, you have to tell the truth about everything, now, because if you don?t and he finds out later the repercussions will be far greater.

Please think very carefully about having a secret abortion. If you go through with it then it will have to remain a secret, for ever, it?s not something you can bring up in the future, it?s something you will have to do and never tell anyone about, ever. That?s a hell of a secret to carry for the rest of your life.

You have to tell your dh about the baby, but before you do you have to prepare yourself for the fact that this may be the end of your marriage. Regardless of whether you have an abortion, your dh may simply not be able to cope with the idea of you ever having been pregnant at all. For a man to find out that his wife is having an affair is painful enough, but to find out that she may have conceived a child with another man must feel like the ultimate betrayal, an insult to his manhood as it were, and it?s possible your dh may not be able to cope with this. So regardless of whether you have an abortion, you need to resign yourself to the fact that this may be too much for your dh to handle and may signal the end of your marriage anyway.

You need to talk to your dh, be absolutely honest with him, and tell him that you are pregnant and that you don?t know whose baby it is. Tell him how you feel about him, what you want from your future together, and hopefully reassure him that it is him you want to be with, regardless of who the father of the baby is. After that it will be up to your dh to decide whether he can possibly raise another man?s child or even cope with the idea of another man?s child having been inside you for any period of time.

I do think that you would both benefit from some counselling.

Good luck

Roobie · 05/06/2007 17:38

Your dh already knows you've had sex with another man and was prepared to give your marriage another go. By potentially being pregnant you haven't done anything else wrong beyond what he already knows so you may as well tell him and try and weather the storm together. Either your marriage will be over or it won't. If he decides that he can no longer be part of your life then you will have to deal with it on your own - but so be it. Lying and getting an abortion behind his back will not solve anything.

ChangedMyMind · 05/06/2007 17:39

If you want to chat with me offline let me know. I have been through a similar situation (although no dcs of my own. My dh hated the baby until she arrived and then he saw it was just a baby and now they dote on each other.

LaDiDaDi · 05/06/2007 17:43

I really think that you need to talk to your dh andthen have an early dating scan asap, possibly even arranging it before you tell him, so that you can tell him and then say that the scan is the next day or so.

The reaction of your dh and your dates are what is going to make your mind up on this I think.

I understand those posters who are suggesting that you might find it difficult to bond with this baby if you feel that your marriage ended because of it but equally if you have an abortion without being certain then you may not save your marriage. If you feel your dh pushed you into an abortion or that you pushed yourself into that decision then you may end up blaming dh for the loss of your unborn child .

How does your dh feel about termination in general?

Who would support you if your dh left you because of this?

How certain are you of your dates? Will dates give you certainty over paternity or just make it more likely one way or the other iyswim?

Original poster

donnadell · 05/06/2007 19:19

has not gone to well, was talking to dh about how tired i have been today and said in a jokey way "you dont think i could be pregnant do you haha" he gave me a disgusted look and said that now was not the time to be making jokes like that, then he stormed out the room, he came back in a couple of mins later and gave me a kiss on the cheek before he had to go out again but i really dont think that he thought for a second that i could be serious, i know i did not exactly handle it well, i seen a opportunity to say something and it all came out wrong. now how can i ever tell him that i am pregnant????

OP posts:

mears · 05/06/2007 19:20

Just follow it up and tell him that you have done a test and that you are pregnant. You need to get it out in the open.

TaylorsMummy · 05/06/2007 19:20

i know what i would do but i don't think that's any use to you.i don't really know what to say.it's an awful situation to be in

Original poster

donnadell · 05/06/2007 19:22

what would you do taylorsmummy

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 19:24

I'm not surprised he reacted liek that if he thougth it was a joke

tell him straight fgs

TaylorsMummy · 05/06/2007 19:26

personally,i would feel me and my dc had too much to lose if i had the baby,but that's just me.it depends if you are willing to possibly sacrifice your marriage

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11