Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had a affair, now i am pregnant

272 replies

donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

OP posts:
JodieG1 · 06/06/2007 08:37

Yes it is a baby at 8 weeks. I saw the heartbeat with mine at 6 weeks.

TaylorsMummy · 06/06/2007 08:48

it is what you chose to think it is.i saw my dd heartbeat at 8 weeks but i've also miscarried at 8 weeks and what came out was not a baby

cazee · 06/06/2007 09:03

At 8 weeks all the organs, muscles, and nerves are beginning to function, and it has little hands and feet. To me, that is a baby.
One of the first threads I read on Mumsnet was about women living with the after effects of an abortion. Many women described the horrendous guilt they have had to live with, and the deep sadness they feel when it is the baby's birthday. Abortion is not a quick fix answer, and brings lots of problems of its own.
And the baby is perfectly innosent in all this. Why should the baby be the one to suffer?
donnadell, I really feel for you, this is a terrible situation for you and your family to face.

babyblue2 · 06/06/2007 09:20

I too miscarried at 13 weeks, to me that was not a baby.

mylittlestar · 06/06/2007 09:22

donnadell did you speak to dh?

I think it is to be expected on here that you will get the range of opinions that you have. But the one thing that stands out to me is that you really should tell dh the truth and make this decision together. You've decieved him enough. And whatever the outcome you will have a lot to deal with going forward. You really should be honest from now on.

I'm not going to preach about the affair or anything like that. We could debate the rights and wrongs forever. But I do have one question - aside from the pregnancy risk (so you took the pill) what about the STI risk? Did it never occur to you that you are being truly reckless with your husbands life by choosing to sleep with another man and not using a condom? If you wished to put yourself at risk and take that chance then that's fine. But why on earth would you put your partner at the same risk as he is unable to make that choice for himself? I really hope you are going to get tested.

ekra · 06/06/2007 09:23

Can you really not work out better who the father is likely to be? How do you suspect you are around 8 weeks and only just know you are pregnant? You must know when your last period was and be able to work out your most likely fertile period from that. If you are 8 weeks pregnant, that would mean you conceived about 6 weeks ago whne the relationship with the OM was ending. That gives you a very specific memory of what was going on at that time. Who did you have sex with that week? Were you sleeping with the OM and your DH a lot?

Who is the OM? How were you managing to see him frequently when you have 2 DDs?

TaylorsMummy · 06/06/2007 09:37

you say it;s not a quick fix answer.it's a lot quicker than bringing up a child for the rest of it's life that has caused (not by any fault of it's own) the break up of your marriage and your other children losing their father.even if he thinks he can live with it,it will eat away at him and he will throw it in the ops face (and possibly her child's) every time they have a problem.the op can really only have this child if she is prepared to chose it over her marriage and the father of her children (imo)

JodieG1 · 06/06/2007 10:18

I've miscarried at 8 weeks too. I had 5 miscarriages and every one of those was a baby.

macdoodle · 06/06/2007 10:23

Really feel for you even though am not big fan of people who have affairs but I think you sound like you have been punsished more than enough and really want to put it right...in the end only YUO can make this decsision not your DH not the OM - personally I don't think I could have termination even though I am very pro choice ...
Quick aside whoever earlier blamed her DH for affair - come on!!!!

snowleopard · 06/06/2007 10:35

I'm sorry for the OP, she knows she's made a terrible mistake and is sorry. I would say Donna that although you did the wrong thing - both in having an affair and in not using condoms - this is really very common and there are loads of children born from affairs - it's just that the DP/DH dosn't always know. Even if he does, some are willing to bring up the baby. Do you have a really good friend or relation to confide in, who will be able to support you whatever you decide?

I think anyone considering an affair should see this thread. It so isn't a way to happiness but it can so seem like it at the time... I really hope it will all come right for you Donna, good luck.

babyblue2 · 06/06/2007 12:01

Whatever you decide donnadell, you have plenty of people's opinions on this thread to see both sides of the argument. Only you can decide which route to take, good luck in your decision

caterpiller · 06/06/2007 12:49

On the issue of the baby's rights: Even if you view it as a baby at this stage do you then put it's rights before the rights of your older children? If you go ahead with the pregnancy on these grounds, that is in effect what you will be doing because if the marriage breaks down, they will be seriously affected. For me, their rights are more important.

cazee · 06/06/2007 12:54

caterpiller, I don't think it is a case of putting the baby's rights above her other children. It is about not denying that baby its life. I feel that if you wouldn't kill the baby after it has moved down the birth canal then you should not kill it before.

TaylorsMummy · 06/06/2007 12:59

cazee,it's completely different.i hate it when people try and put women on a guilt trip over abortion.of course the op made a bloody stupid mistake,but comparing an 8 week embryo to a full term baby is just irresponsible and wrong imo.

Original poster
donnadell · 06/06/2007 12:59

its not went great to twell you the truth, i told dh last night, i thought he would get angry but he got very upset which was so much worse to see, basically after a lot of talking he said he could cope if i was sure the baby was his and have a test to prove it but i told him thats not a option, i really do not know. he says there is no way he can bring up another mans child and i totally agree with that.

i asked him how he would feel if i had a abortion and he thinks that in the circumstances that would be for the best, both of us have always said that we dont agree with abortion but we were also not planning on having any more children of our own so i do think he was taking that into consideration as well.

he is going to stay with his friend tonight and tomorrow if need be just so we can have a bit of space from each other, we have tried our best to be cival in front of dc but i think we are pushing it a bit just now.

in answer to what happened with the om the breif story is me and dh were having a very bad patch and instead of trying to fix things i looked elsewhere, i really thought things were about to end with me and dh he was always telling me how unhappy he was with me and how he wished we had never got
married in the first place, i can see now that it was his way of dealing with our crumbling marrage but i felt so low. om was a friend who i had know for a few years, he made me feel the way that dh used to make me feel. we laughed together and talked about things that were important to me, i really thought that we could make a go of things together.

then out of the blue he had to move because of his job, he gave me the option to mave with him (and dc) but it was like a light being switched on in my head and i realised that i had really been living in a bloody fantasy land, no way could i give everything up for someone who i really did not know all that well.

i slept with om for the last time on a thursay (the day he moved), me and dh were at a friends wedding onthe saturday and had far to much to drink and slept together, thats the week that im sure i fell pregnant, dh found out about the affair on the sunday as om found it hard to break of contact the first couple of days he was away, dh found a text from him then checked my e mails and voicemails and found more things from him.

OP posts:
Eleusis · 06/06/2007 13:05

I think it's good that you and DH have managed to talk about it come to an agreement on what to do.

If I were in your DH's shoes I don't think I could raise another man's child either. At least he's being honest.

BellaLasagne · 06/06/2007 13:07

....but, there's an innocent child involved here.

I can't advise you, but urge you not to make any hasty decisions about abortion.

What a mess

scorpio1 · 06/06/2007 13:09

i too second the hasty decisions thing.

it may not be his child, but its yours. it may very well be his too, you wont know unitl he/she is born.

please think more about it, you dont have to rush at this stage.

BellaLasagne · 06/06/2007 13:10

Is there any advice service that could help you, with or without DP...Relate perhaps?

CarGirl · 06/06/2007 13:11

think some time apart to think through is good. Am pleased that you told dh, you need to discuss with him that emotionally it's going to be very hard, have you looked into going to relate????????

tribpot · 06/06/2007 13:15

Well done on having the courage to tell him, and agree with the others that you shouldn't be hasty in making a decision. He may come round when he's had a chance to think about it, you never know.

You're between a rock and a hard place and you have my sympathy. What a horrendous situation. A friend of mine went through something similar, although in that case she left her husband for the OM and in fact now has just accidentally got pregnant by him (the OM I assume!) again .

cazee · 06/06/2007 13:23

donnadell, before you decide about abortion make sure you are aware of the facts. You will have to live with this decision forever. From your op I can see that it is a decision you will struggle to come to terms with.

I really, really feel for you and your DH. I know this is not easy, and I will try not to post on this thread anymore because I feel very strongly about this, but I think you need to be aware of how developed the baby is already. A simple look at a pregnancy magazine/website will show you what it looks like at 8 weeks. It does not look like a "bunch of cells".

Who made the mistake here? It wasn't the baby.

TaylorsMummy · 06/06/2007 13:25

so you are advising her to bring an unwanted child im to the world.very responsible

pirategirl · 06/06/2007 13:26

hey cazee, hope you havent had to face a sitch like this.

some of us have. it is more than heartbreaking.

TaylorsMummy · 06/06/2007 13:30

the ops got kids,do you think she doesn't know about stages of pregnancy? she doesn't need someone like you harping on about what's right and what's wrong cazee.good for you if you've never had to have an abortion or you've never made a mistake.shit happens.that's life.