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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had a affair, now i am pregnant

272 replies

donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

OP posts:
LoveAngel · 05/06/2007 19:27

Wow. What a horrible situation to be in. Nightmare. Being honest from here on, no matter how hard it is, seems to be your only option. Do the decent thing and be upfront with your DH and the OM. What else can you do?

warthog · 05/06/2007 19:27

you HAVE to tell him. there is no way around this.

to have an abortion without telling him is a big mistake i think. it's too big a thing to keep from your dh.

speak to him when he comes back and work out a plan between you.

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 19:28

i thought thats what you were meaning, and i have to say its all i have been thinking about the last few hours, i really think its the only way that my marrage has any chance of getting through whats happened

OP posts:
warthog · 05/06/2007 19:28

and making jokes to test the water is not a good way to go about it. just be straight.

mears · 05/06/2007 19:29

Abortion is not the answeer to saving your marriage. You both have to talk it out and make a decision together.

warthog · 05/06/2007 19:30

look, even if you have an abortion and you feel you can't ask dh for support because you got yourself into this mess, you are going to need a lot of help to reconcile yourself. and your dh WILL be involved anyway. you can't take this all on yourself - it's not fair to you, your dh or your dc's to deal with the fallout. you need to deal with it as a couple.

Original poster
donnadell · 05/06/2007 19:32

he is back in about 8-30 for the night so i will tell him then, after tea time though i think i know what way the conversation will go.

OP posts:
warthog · 05/06/2007 19:36

it may initially go one way, but after the shock wears off, and a few good nights' sleep, you may be surprised. hang in there.

isheisnthe · 05/06/2007 20:13

sorry to be the voice of reason butthe baby could be your husbands - can you imagine in a year or so if you tell him the truth (after a termination) how anry he would be you took that decision too without consulting him?

I would sugest you tell him, get his take on it (ignore it for now tho) and then talk again in afew days if you both decide you hae to have a termination then thats the decision you make - but ultimatly hun - it isyour body and potential child, so the decision rests with you - do not let a decision so monumental be taken out of your hands - at the end of the day, dh has only just decided to forgive you - next month he may change his mind. Sorry if that sounds harsh butthe decision, although with his input needs to be yours.

And this comes from someones who's p is leaving her for a fling - s I think Ican be balanced.?

bluebubbles · 05/06/2007 20:13

donnadell you dont give any information about the affair, what had gone wrong in your marrige that you turned to someone else, was this a casual fling or was there something more there. i dont think your husband can be totally blameless in all of this something must have happened in the marrige to make another man seem more appealing

shhhh · 05/06/2007 20:45

can't believe that this post is so popular and so many people are offering advice...I seem to remember how some mner's went when certain mner's were discovered to be having an affair.....

I feel sorry for this poor unborn baby,its life is being decided by others. Also feel sorry for your dh..yeah sure the affair (apparently) has ended and this is the result of what was going on before the affair ended but if you play with fire you are going to get burned.

Just to add.............if you had an abortion without your dh knowing, could you honestly take that secret to your grave.?.......I know I couldn't.

shhhh · 05/06/2007 20:49

bluebubbles,just read your thread:
"i dont think your husband can be totally blameless in all of this something must have happened in the marrige to make another man seem more appealing"

.Sorry but thats no reason to have an affair. Yeah I know donna is apologetic etc now BUT problems in a relationship don't make affairs ok or even allow blame to be taken from the guilty party.

We all have stresses and strains of life, we all have kids who drive us up the wall, we all have issues with our dp/dh/dw's etc but imo that doesn't make it ok to look elsewhere...Don't people talk to each other nowadays..?

I will leave this thread now as really I shouldn't have read any further than the title.

isheisnthe · 05/06/2007 21:04

shhh - totally with you there, me and p had problems but I would not have ever looked else where, and thats withour mariage to tie us together - but everyones moral code is different - different doesnt mean its right - as I am a victim of someone I had complete trust in (as I judged him by the same moral code as me)

But, lets face it, she is up the creak - and is using this forum (as we all do) for honest advice

shhhh · 05/06/2007 21:18

not stopping her asking for advice, just wanted to voice my opinion...
I totally agree with you isheisnthe, I am the 1st to come here asking for advice!!! lol. BUT I suppose I just find it shocking the amount of people who don't seem to marry for life...shit hits the fan at home and thats it, they are off (although I know we don't know the circumstances behind donna's affair..)

It would devastate me if dh ever had an affair etc and I found out it was because we weren't having enough sex, or I paid more attention to the dc, or because someone at work seemed more glamorous than his sahw blah de dah....
BUT then I hope dh & I have the type of relationship where we discuss things with each other and if we ever felt things were going down the wrong road we would speak out....

Sorry, just voicing my views and taking this thread down the wrong path....Not my intention.

cazee · 05/06/2007 23:23

donnadell, when you see the baby on the dating scan, wiggling and kicking, do you really think you could abort it? Because that is a decision you would have to live with forever. You say in your op that you can't face the idea of abortion, so be careful not to let panic make you choose something you will regret.

SaucyMoo · 05/06/2007 23:45

This may sound silly and could be just a fictional thing as i saw it on a tv prgram, but basically a docter (probably private) can get DNA from the foetus and match it against your dh's DNA to see if he is the father....

isheisnthe · 06/06/2007 06:53

shhh - i wasnt being mean at all - i am with you all the way on how disposable things seems to be to some people - Looking at my own situation drives me mad - as I can see if P had actually voiced his feelings my sons would not now be faced with growing up in a house he no longer lives in

babyblue2 · 06/06/2007 07:44

Ok, my opinion will not be popular but thought I would give it as an opposing suggestion. Obviously i'm not going through this or ever have done in RL but hypothetically speaking I would now want to cause minimum disruption in my family's life. If it was me I would decide that the baby IS om's, realise that if I had the baby that om would always be connected to our family's life, know how much this would hurt DH, understand that it could potentially cause a break-up or seriously rock the boat despite being newly reconciled and I would arrange the appointment at the drs. I would have the termination and just deal with it afterwards. I would be selfish and put me and my family first. DH only needs to know if you tell him. Dishonest (again), yes, but could be self preservation and should be for the last time. A very hard decision but for me there would only be one decision.

warthog · 06/06/2007 07:58

bb2, that is some pretty serious fallout she'd have to deal with. and she wouldn't be able to share it.

babyblue2 · 06/06/2007 08:03

I understand that, it depends on whether she's strong enough to cope on her own and how she feels about it. I'm just going on how i'd react and cope.

ernest · 06/06/2007 08:05

babyblue, a few others have also said the same thing! No need to duck.

I understand where you're coming from with this idea, but I don't think it's that simple, I really don't (unfortunately).

Donnadell, how did the talk go with dh last night, and how are you both this morning? It is a nightmare situation to be in, I'm sure no one envies you it My dh had an affair recently, and also didn't use condoms. My fear on finding out, well, obviously one of the MAny, was a. std & b. the ow getting pg. The thought of a baby coming from this was terrible and terrifying. Luckily for us it hasn't, but for you, unluckily it has, but worst of all, it could well be your husband's of course. A dating scan presumably won't help.

I don't know if you've already done it (talked to your dh & told him) and I can imagine it would be the hardest conversation of your life, possibly worse than the actualy affair revalation itself, but I think it's soemthing you have to do. Speaking as the "wronged wife", finding out about the affair was terrible, but any hint of being economical with the truth, lying, deception after the discovery, even something unrelated, like having a sly cigarrette, was just too much to bear. I really honestly think you have to take the chance and come clean. Running off and having a secret abortion might seem like the 'easy' option, but when your husband finds out, and I'm sure he would at some point, adding more lies to this mess would be too much for him to bear. The baby after all, might be his.

I don't envy you at all. I hope it works out for the best, and that your family survive this.

caterpiller · 06/06/2007 08:12

I have to say, I agree with you Babyblue.
For the sake of your husband and your children and your marriage, I think the only option is a termination, without telling him. What would it achieve telling him? Maybe you owe it to everyone to put this right alone, and say no more about it. I get the feeling that it the om probably IS the father and anyway, how could you live with not knowing?

TaylorsMummy · 06/06/2007 08:22

i agree.that's what i would do too.

sockmonkey · 06/06/2007 08:32

I don't normally post in situations like this, I just think that there are too many voices pushing for an abortion. The baby is innocent in all this. Donnadell has made a huge mistake and living with the consiquences of what she has done is part of it. She said on her OP that she couldn't face an abortion, and we should respect those feelings.

TaylorsMummy · 06/06/2007 08:36

it's not a baby at 8 weeks though is it??

the op needs to be thinking long term,what this mean for her family and for any child that is born in to this mess.