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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband called me this:

222 replies

parkinpig · 25/08/2018 15:11

Context: I brought in slightly damp washing and then didn't prostrate myself with sorrow when he wanted it rewashing now.

He threw washing basket across room and called me a "Lazy Fat Cunt".

Now he might have w point about washing, but I can't get over the language.

Feeling a bit WTF, to be honest.

Just wanted to get it down.

OP posts:
Juells · 25/08/2018 15:46

and that he is legally responsible for a share of your debts.

That'd soften his cough

IndigoLamp · 25/08/2018 15:47

So he’s controlling, verbally abusive, throws things. Has he been physically abusive yet?

Original poster
parkinpig · 25/08/2018 15:47

I can't leave.

No sex for a couple of years, so no fear of that.

OP posts:
IndigoLamp · 25/08/2018 15:48

Is he sleeping with someone else?

helpawomanout · 25/08/2018 15:50

Women's aid? They've helped me move when I thought I had no options.

Debt can wait, if you move it will take them a while to catch you, and in a refuge they actually can't trace you so that will give you time to sort out finances.

I hope you sort something out, he sounds like a total pig.

ILoveDolly · 25/08/2018 15:50

That is terrible behaviour and over nothing at all. Totally unacceptable language.

FWIW why not just hang the damp things on an airer. And then never wash his clothes again until he apologizes.

Boulty · 25/08/2018 15:51

Wow what a horrible creature he is.

He needs anger management. He could of course just load it himself (so he works wow)

Original poster
parkinpig · 25/08/2018 15:51

As far as I know, there's no one else.

I live in Surrey/Hampshire borders.

OP posts:
ILoveDolly · 25/08/2018 15:56

I hope you find a way out, and soon. This man has no respect for you. There are no excuses for his behaviour, the thing you did was not a thing to get even mildly annoyed about, let alone verbal abuse.

AngelsAckiz · 25/08/2018 15:56

Here is the helpline you need 0808 2000 247

ThriceThriceThice · 25/08/2018 15:58

Oh my love. I could never get over someone saying that to me. How disgusting of him.

But maybe this is a wake-up call. He’s not going to change, so even if you cannot leave now, can you make plans? Ring women’s Aid, talk to some friends/family. You deserve so much better.

SandyY2K · 25/08/2018 15:59

He's abusive and I'd disengage and emotionally detach from him to make leaving easier when you're ready.

isseywithcats · 25/08/2018 15:59

only child or not if he had done that to me he would have found himself, his washing and everything else he owns outside the door and the door locked, this is not acceptable behaviour

jocarter67 · 25/08/2018 16:01

Parkinpig. I know everyone is saying leave him and they are probably very right, it also sounds like if you could leave him you would. There is no way under any circumstances that you should be spoken to like this. Do you mind answering,
are you safe?
Is this behaviour a regular thing?.
Do you have any friends around to help you?

I wish there is something that you can do about this. Sending you my best regards , this must make you feel absolutely terrible and fed up of life. You deserve so much better than this

ElspethFlashman · 25/08/2018 16:04

I don't understand.

You're married, therefore your debt = his debt.

His house = your house. Doesn't matter if he owned it prior to marriage.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming, I'm not understanding why you talk as if you're his partner rather than his wife?

maddening · 25/08/2018 16:05

If you are married then 50% of the house is yours.

KickAssAngel · 25/08/2018 16:05

If you're married then all assets are joint, so the house is half yours.

See a solicitor, find out what's what and start planning.

Can you get out of the house this weekend? Even if it's just going for very long walks and listening to music, or hanging out in a coffee shop or anything. Just don't be around him. Give yourself the space to be free of him.

And think of this as your chance to start life how you want. You have half the equity in the house to get you going - where do you want to live? What job/college/travelling do you want to do? Who do you admire and want to be like? You have NO ties at all. That can be quite scary, but also means you can choose everything from scratch.

Nobody should put up with things being thrown and name-calling, and the general drip, drip, drip of being treated like shit. You had a job before, you can get another one. You can find another partner, job, house. You can't find another 'you', so put you first.

Figlessfig · 25/08/2018 16:08

God, I am so sorry you’re going through this, OP Flowers

I’m afraid, with nasty behaviour and language, plus no sex for 2 years, it sounds like this relationship is over.

I don’t know you, so I have no idea what you should do. Depends on your financial position. Does your H own the house? Or private renting or social housing? I’m not up to date with the legislation, but you may well have some claim on the house under the matrimonial homes legisltion.

Can you afford to see a lawyer? If not, go and talk to Citizens Advice. It’s important to know how you stand with the house.

Apart from that, you need to start planning how to get away from him. It would help if you could get some work so you can save up a bit.

Do you have friends who could help you, or even give you some support? It’s awful to Deal with such a horrible relationship without anyone to talk to.

thetemptationofchocolate · 25/08/2018 16:11

My partner was also an only child, left his mother's house to move in with me, but he has never called me a lazy fat cunt, or thrown anything at me. What your husband did is not right, and you say he gets really angry about things? He will do it again, and I would not be surprised if he gets worse.
Money problems can be worked out, and if that is your only reason for staying, then I think you must realise that your relationship appears to be dead. I'm very sad for you, being in such a shitty situation. I hope you can get some good legal and financial advice, then you can start planning properly.
Good luck OP.

Missingstreetlife · 25/08/2018 16:12

People should not give simplistic advice. You don't automatically get half the house if it was his first. You will get something though, need legal advice. Can you claim Jobseeker's Allowance?

neveradullmoment99 · 25/08/2018 16:13

Leave him.
He sounds like an arse.

pachiano1 · 25/08/2018 16:18

You're married, therefore your debt = his debt.

Not true. Unless it is joint debt. Marriage does not make you liable for an individuals debt.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2018 16:19

Being an only child doesn’t make you do something like the. My dh is an only as is my dd.

You do have choices. Does he have money to pay off the debts? And if so, why are they not paid? I also agree with pps the house and debts are equally his.

Original poster
parkinpig · 25/08/2018 16:24

No drip feed, he comes from a very wealthy background. Mine is less well off but full of love.

His family bought the house and put a charge on it. Deeds are in his name.

Please believe me when I say I know I don't deserve this.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 25/08/2018 16:24

@parkinpig
Alongside Women's Aid the web sites below might be helpful.

www.rushmoor.gov.uk/article/3476/Domestic-abuse
www.safernh.co.uk/domestic-abuse/sources-of-support/

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