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Original poster

DH constant demands for sex

231 replies

Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:04

I really need some help and to know if IABU. My DH of 5 years is constantly harassing me for sex. I have 2 children under the age of 3 and it seems to have gotten worse since they were born. This is pretty much the only negative in our relationship but it’s really wearing me down.
He gropes me while i’m doing the kids breakfasts and makes constant sexual innuendos. He says i’m lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much and jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

We’ve had serious arguments, one when i was 8 months pregnant about how i don’t make an effort in the bedroom. Our younger son doesn’t sleep well and was up all night with a high temperature. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep, looked after the kids all day and DH’s family arrived for the BH weekend this afternoon. The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me. He’s now in a mood and said all i have to do is “be nice” but i feel like he doesn’t listen to me or respect me when i say no.

I now feel really embarassed and am left wondering whether i am just a horrible person for snapping at him all the time. I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day. Please help!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/08/2018 20:08

He is pestering you and with 2 young kids he should know better.

Has he ever been left with them all day (catering for their every need) and had to wake up during the previous night with them?

He should do it a few times and see how draining it is.

Cambionome · 24/08/2018 20:10

You are not a horrible person; there are very few women who would want sex everyday when they have 2 children under three!

He is a sex pest.

Parisproperty · 24/08/2018 20:11

He sounds awful. I am sorry. He clearly has no empathy or respect.

ohnothanks · 24/08/2018 20:13

Yuck. yANB at all unreasonable and he is a sex pest. I'd tell him.if he doesnt stop you'll leave... and mean it. You're right, by the way: sexual harrassment shows a profound lack of respect for you.

Parker231 · 24/08/2018 20:13

He sounds disgusting. Is that how he treats you - just someone to sexually pester?

MudCity · 24/08/2018 20:15

Given the circumstances you describe I’m not surprised you snapped this evening. Exhaustion and visitors arriving isn’t exactly going to make you desire sex is it?

I’m wondering if he sees his advances as a wholly positive thing, making you feel desirable, rather than something that makes you feel under pressure and upset. He just doesn’t seem to ‘get’ that for you, his behaviour isn’t loving and actually feels quite damaging.

Only open and honest communication is going to help here. However, finding a time when you are not exhausted and can both talk calmly is going to be key. Please do talk though otherwise things aren’t going to change. Is counselling an option?

pointythings · 24/08/2018 20:16

This isn't acceptable. And his constant pestering isn't going to make you want more sex either!

If he wants more sex, he can start by taking some of the parenting load off you - give you some rest, a lie-in, some time for you. Then you might be more in the mood.

But honestly, with two under the age of 3 he needs to realise that you are flat out busy and tired. If he doesn't accept that, you have bigger problems than just him being a sex pest - it means that he has no respect for you. And that's the end.

lrh3891 · 24/08/2018 20:17

Urgh, he sounds revolting. Sorry OP, for being so blunt. A contract that he can do what he wants to you?? Even as a joke that's repellent.

I'm not going to go all guns blazing with LTB but you need to have a very very serious chat with him and soon. He is making you feel uncomfortable and harassed, and that is not ok. I wonder if he realises how unattractive it is?

ThanksHunkyJesus · 24/08/2018 20:20

Yuk yuk yuk. Sexually abusive fucking creep. The "joke" about you signing a contract tells me everything I need to know about him. Have you ever felt coerced into sex? Like you've given in and done it to keep the peace, or to make him leave you alone for a bit? Even though you didn't want to?

Original poster
Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:20

@Mudcity I think you’re right. He sees him desiring me as a loving positive aspect of our relationship and thinks i’m just mean.
He does equal amounts of parenting to me so for example he only slept for 3 hrs too as we took shifts with the baby but nothing stops him wanting to have sex. Even when he is really ill, if i offered, he would do it.

His argument is that he makes no other demands from me except this and as no one else can give him this i should want to.

OP posts:
Macareaux · 24/08/2018 20:20

Does he use porn? That might be fuelling his constant demands. Either way, he sounds completely selfish and that 'joke' is vile.

Singlenotsingle · 24/08/2018 20:21

Some men are just obsessed with sex. It just isn't acceptable. Doesn't he understand there's nothing less of a turn-on than a man with a one track mind? Tell him straight NO!

DrMorbius · 24/08/2018 20:21

Your D H, has no respect for you and certainly does not see you as a person and an equal.

He sees you as some form of sexual entertainment, irrespective of how you may feel. All this crap about you are lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much is crap he doesn't care what you look like as long as he gets off.

anotherangel2 · 24/08/2018 20:22

He keeps groping you when he know you don’t want to be touched sexually. That is sexual assault. I would not describe him as a good husband.

Rebecca36 · 24/08/2018 20:24

Onefootforward1 your husband is being unreasonable, I suppose some will say he can't help it but I do not believe that, anyone is capable of self control. I know I would hate to be with a man like that. He is so inconsiderate.

Original poster
Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:25

@ThanksHunkyJesus i am always doing it just to get him off my back but the problem is that it just spurs him on to demand even more. He’s even had a go at me for not being into it and making him feel like shit.
I don’t want to leave him because as i said he does equal amounts with the kids, is generally supportive of everything i want pursue and does half of the domestic chores even though i work part time and he works full time. We have a good time together when he isn’t pestering me and i do enjoy his company. He just doesn’t seem to listen or hear me when it comes to this.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 24/08/2018 20:28

OP he does not respect you... Flowers

ThanksHunkyJesus · 24/08/2018 20:28

He doesn't want to hear you because pestering you gets him what he wants eventually. Please don't say he gropes you in front of the children?

ThanksHunkyJesus · 24/08/2018 20:30

The reason for my questions is that I had an ex like this. It started with groping, led to coercive sex (ie feeling pressurised) and ended with rape. Thankfully I had no children with him. He felt entitled to use my body and he didn't care if I refused.

Spaghettijumper · 24/08/2018 20:31

He has sex with you knowing that you don't want it. He is a rapist.

ohdeardeardear · 24/08/2018 20:32

Tell him to pack it in or pack his bags.

Spaghettijumper · 24/08/2018 20:32

When he jokes about the contract he is warning you that eventually when his current form of coercion doesn't work (pestering and bullying) he'll go a step further. He is making sure you feel you have to give in.

MudCity · 24/08/2018 20:35

It’s horrible. Have you tried to explain how his advances make you feel? If you can’t go for couples counselling, can you go alone and use the time to consider ways in which you can broach the subject with him?

There are no easy answers here especially if he has always had these tendencies. I think some men really do believe that ‘groping’ and telling their partners they want sex with them is some kind of aphrodisiac when it isn’t.

He really needs to know that his behaviour is having the absolute opposite effect of being sensual or passionate. However, he also needs to know what to do instead...replacing those unwanted behaviours with positive behaviours..the things he can do which will make you feel closer to him. I know the last thing you want to be doing is educating him but it sounds like he needs to know what might work for you because otherwise he is just going to go from unwanted behaviour to unwanted behaviour looking for the magic answer and getting it wrong again and again.

MudCity · 24/08/2018 20:37

Just read your last post OP. Sounds like his whole self-esteem and self-worth is wrapped up in sex, nothing else. If he isn’t having sex, he feels worthless.

This is not about you, it is about him. I would recommend couples counselling.

AdoraBell · 24/08/2018 20:38

You should have told him - you’re right, I’m not into it because I’m doing it so that you will STFU and stop pawing me.

He clearly has no respect for you.

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