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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constant demands for sex

231 replies

Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:04

I really need some help and to know if IABU. My DH of 5 years is constantly harassing me for sex. I have 2 children under the age of 3 and it seems to have gotten worse since they were born. This is pretty much the only negative in our relationship but it’s really wearing me down.
He gropes me while i’m doing the kids breakfasts and makes constant sexual innuendos. He says i’m lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much and jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

We’ve had serious arguments, one when i was 8 months pregnant about how i don’t make an effort in the bedroom. Our younger son doesn’t sleep well and was up all night with a high temperature. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep, looked after the kids all day and DH’s family arrived for the BH weekend this afternoon. The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me. He’s now in a mood and said all i have to do is “be nice” but i feel like he doesn’t listen to me or respect me when i say no.

I now feel really embarassed and am left wondering whether i am just a horrible person for snapping at him all the time. I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day. Please help!

OP posts:
Lightweightstroller · 24/08/2018 21:18

Your husband is a rapist.

You are being sexually abused and assaulted daily.

Phone women’s aid.

I’m serious.

AspieHere · 24/08/2018 21:21

Nothing would kill my libido faster than being harrassed and pestered for sex constantly. He sounds vile OP.

AnyFucker · 24/08/2018 21:30

I don't want to leave him

We can't help you then

bobstersmum · 24/08/2018 21:34

He is a horrid pest. I feel so guilty atm because I just am not in the mood at all. I get no time to rest whatsoever and our dc are 1,4+5. I do all the housework and do not get a break or any help with anything. But dh is feeling left out. I am feeling exhausted and undervalued so what do you do.

stegosauruslady · 24/08/2018 21:39

I feel as though I am reading different posts to everyone else! There is nothing in the OP's post that suggests her DH is going to rape her!

It seems pretty clear to me that her DH is (albeit in a crap way that isn't working at all) trying to show her that he desires her. They have mis-matched libidos, which is a difficult thing to deal with, but can be dealt with through some super honest communication.

Have you tried a 'cards on the table' type talk with him? Scheduling sex, as a pp suggested might work beautifully for you. There seems to be a good chance that he feels pretty uncomfortable about the whole thing (I'm inferring this from his 'jokey' comments), so scheduling sex at some sort of compromised level for both of you might help an awful lot.

Also, can we stop with the 'he's going to rape you' nonsense please? OP has given us no indication of rapey behaviour, if anything the opposite as she says her DH doesn't like it when she isn't into sex.

bubbles108 · 24/08/2018 21:46

His argument is that he makes no other demands from me except this and as no one else can give him this i should want to.

You should want sex with him because

A. He cant orgasm elsewhere

B. It's the only thing he asks of you

He's a fucking moron

Bin him

mathanxiety · 24/08/2018 22:09

The DH doesn't feel uncomfortable or put off or interested in why when she isn't interested in sex. He gets angry with her because she isn't giving him the enthusiastic experience he thinks he is entitled to.

When it comes to the point where you have to sit down with someone and explain civilised behaviour to him you have to ask yourself what exactly you are dealing with.

Most posters here have been correct in their conclusions.

SandyY2K · 24/08/2018 22:33

can we stop with the 'he's going to rape you' nonsense

I agree. I knew this thread would go that way. In fact pp have already decided she's been raped and he's an abuser.

When she said he does half the housework and childcare she's been questioned on whether it's really half.

If he does half and he works full time and the OP works part time... then that's a great balance. Some would say he's doing more...but that's not the point of the thread.

His banging on and groping are not on... sex should never be demanded...but these other comments often scare the OP away.

Donthugmeimscared · 24/08/2018 22:38

My ex was like this he groped me at really inappropriate times, he constantly went on at me about sex and wanted it everyday. I got to the point I just gave in to shut him up. I worked nights back then and had to do all the school runs etc so I was just a walking zombie only having 5hours sleep a day or sometimes less if he was off and decided as the house was empty it would be nice to keep me awake with his pestering. He ended up just not caring if I said no or not. The point that snapped me out of my dazed dead inside was when he as a 'joke' called me his cum bucket.

I realise now he equated sex to love and also he was very insecure. A year on he still won't accept it's over and I wish I had nipped it in the bud by talking to him sooner and maybe it would never have ended up the way it did but it's not easy when you are painted as the bad guy for not being flattered by his advances.

TheFaerieQueene · 24/08/2018 22:42

Are you really happy with your children seeing you abused by your husband?

Wolfiefan · 24/08/2018 22:45

Fucking hell.
Small children demand. Not grown men.
Pestering is harassment.
Have sex if you want it. If not he needs to back the fuck off. Marriage isn't a sign of consent to service him whenever he fancies it. He's not entitled to sex.
He needs to enable you to have time out and realise that you may want to be held without having sex. It's not all about him.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 24/08/2018 22:56

The point that snapped me out of my dazed dead inside was when he as a 'joke' called me his cum bucket.

I realise now he equated sex to love

It doesn't sound that way.

Storm2018 · 24/08/2018 22:57

The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me

No fucking person tries to initiate sex with small children around and INLAWS in the next room. This man is regularly sexually assaulting you.

People are concerned about this escalating because it frequently does. He's happy to perv and grope even with his family around.

Quartz2208 · 25/08/2018 06:48

The other thing is most decent dads would be concerned at the health of the child and that there wife had been dealing with him all day not thinking about sex.

DS has just had a nasty virus and 2 awful nights sleep if my DH had even for a moment mentioned sex I would find it inappropriate and be furious. But as he too was dealing with it he didnt

ThanksHunkyJesus · 25/08/2018 08:19

It baffles me how there are so many women who try so hard to convince posters that rapey behaviour is normal and that she should just keep talking to him and trying to convince him not to grope her all the time. I'm sure you'd love to live like that and you'd be happy and flattered by your husband touching you sexually all the time when you didn't really want him to. Because he does the washing up? It's not a compliment.

Sex without enthusiastic consent is not loving mutually enjoyable sex. So what else can you call it?

As for the suggestion that because he pulls his weight with the chores that he's somehow entitled to claim sex ... words fail me. I hope those posters don't have sons cos if they do they're clearly not being taught about consent.

PalePinkSwan · 25/08/2018 08:29

As an absolute minimum he needs individual counselling.

I think it’s seriously times for a cards on the table talk.

He is regularly sexually assaulting you.

That’s unacceptable anywhere, let alone in a loving relationship.

He has got this massively wrong.

In your shoes I’d leave - hopefully it would be temporary if he can listen to you and change, but it might be the shock he needs.

Namelessinseattle · 25/08/2018 08:33

I thinking you should have a conversation outside as well as snapping (also snap the first time- and every time- don’t let it fester and build). So it’s a conversation and not an argument. Find out what he gets from sex and what’s your equivalent. So for example if he gets intimacy/love/acceptance/appreciation and for you that comes from meaningful conversation ask him how many times a week should each of your needs be satisfied on that basis?

Sex isn’t just a physical release, so it’s easy to assume he’s just in it for his kicks but it could be more that he can’t articulate. But what’s happening now isn’t good for either of you.

I cringe at the idea of scheduling sex or having a signal, because the before kids me would be horrified by that, but the realities of having kids means you sometimes have to.

I also agree that childcare isn’t always seen as a chore or housework- because it’s enjoyable and lovely and the reason you want to be at home doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting. Especially at an age where they can’t be reasoned with (does that age exist- please tell me it’s coming) the actual effort it takes not to lose your temper when answering the same question for the millionth time should not be underestimated.

Shoxfordian · 25/08/2018 08:36

He thinks that you owe him sex because he's your husband. He's regularly sexually assaulting you when he gropes you without your consent.

Don't bring your children up around this man.

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 08:47

I find threads like this upsetting because there is always a few women who come on and try to justify the man's behaviour. It always makes me think 'what are you putting up with every day if you think this isn't rape?' It makes me really sad to see the number that's been done on some women to the extent that they think being constantly sexually assaulted (and to be clear being touched sexually against your will is sexual assault, no matter who does it) and then coerced into sex isn't something to end a marriage over. It makes me wonder about how many women must live for years and years and years with constant abuse that they can't even name as abuse, never mind put a stop to.

OP I've had some past experience of this type of behaviour and it seemed to me that it wasn't about validation or affection, it was about anger and control. I experienced it as a sort of aggression, but aggression that I struggled to deal with because it was framed as love. I think in a way it's far worse than being shoved or hit - at least in that circumstance you know it's wrong and unacceptable. When it's but across as attraction it takes time to see that it's assault, even if it doesn't leave bruises. I think men who do this have a lot insecurity and a seething anger that they can't express and that comes out unconsciously in this disrespectful, boundary-pushing behaviour. It is extremely infuriating and slowly grinds you down. The feeling of not really existing - that this person is going to handle you no matter what you want - starts to strip you slowly of your dignity.

I think some posters genuinely think that what you're describing is playful 'handsy' behaviour, which can be a sign of affection and fun. Unless someone's experienced it I think it's hard to get across just how irritating and belittling being constantly groped is - for me it actually started to hurt after a while because my skin would prickle so badly. It was intensely uncomfortable and I felt claustrophobic and sick. Add to that the dread of it happening, even when it isn't, and you never really get a break from feeling harassed and mauled. It's just awful.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 25/08/2018 09:19

Spaghettijumper hit the nail right on the head.

AnoukSpirit · 25/08/2018 09:41

Most of the posters who've arrived on this thread saying "oh no this is fine, all the people labelling it sexual abuse are man haters" are women who've described being sexually abused and having normalised it and rationalised it to themselves.

That is the crushingly sad thing about threads like this. Not the people trying to help the OP understand that being sexually abused is not her fault, not what she deserves from someone who's supposed to love her, or because of something she's doing wrong.

If you think sexual abuse is OK to the point where you would tell another woman she just has to put up with it YOU are the problem and YOU need to go off and examine your beliefs.

Sexual abuse is not an expression of love, and it has fuck all to do with low self esteem on the part of the perpetrator.

If you think being coerced, harassed, assaulted, reprimanded, bullied, shouted at, intimidated, and punished for not providing enthusiastic performative sex acts on demand is acceptable or normal then you need to get yourself help as a matter of urgency.

Original poster
Onefootforward1 · 25/08/2018 09:50

Thank you all for your responses. We’ve had a brief chat this morning about how no means no and he needs to respect that. He’s really angry i embarassed him in front of my family but has agreed that we need some serious conversations if this marriage has a chance of surviving. I’m going to use the rest of the weekend to think about what i want before having any further discussion.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 10:28

He's angry you embarrassed him in front of his family?? WTF?????

What is wrong with this person?

Hopoindown31 · 25/08/2018 10:48

What was his behaviour like before you had kids and where you happy with it? How often do you have sex now compared to pre-kids? Is he really having sex with you without consent?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 25/08/2018 10:49

He’s really angry i embarassed him in front of my family

Oh fuck him OP, he doesn't get to blame you for 'embarrassing' him for being a sex pest when there were witnesses. He's embarrassed himself and if he can't see that, then he sure as fuck won't take responsibility for his own actions elsewhere either.