DH constant demands for sex

[Onefootforward1]

I really need some help and to know if IABU. My DH of 5 years is constantly harassing me for sex. I have 2 children under the age of 3 and it seems to have gotten worse since they were born. This is pretty much the only negative in our relationship but it’s really wearing me down.
He gropes me while i’m doing the kids breakfasts and makes constant sexual innuendos. He says i’m lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much and jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

We’ve had serious arguments, one when i was 8 months pregnant about how i don’t make an effort in the bedroom. Our younger son doesn’t sleep well and was up all night with a high temperature. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep, looked after the kids all day and DH’s family arrived for the BH weekend this afternoon. The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me. He’s now in a mood and said all i have to do is “be nice” but i feel like he doesn’t listen to me or respect me when i say no.

I now feel really embarassed and am left wondering whether i am just a horrible person for snapping at him all the time. I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day. Please help!

Random it's a shame more people aren't taught these type of people exist and what to look out for.

Crop I wouldn't urge the OP to go to the police because even people who suffer what you might call 'actual' rape (ie violent stranger rape, incidentally the form of rape that is by far the rarest) are disbelieved and treated terribly. Given how common it is for women to believe this sort of behaviour isn't rape, how likely would the OP be to get any justice? Remember that it was totally legal for a man to rape his wife up until 1991. The justice system is not built to truly protect women.

That said, the OP could report him.

I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day.

His failure to understand what you say, is not due to how you are communicating. This is another thing women in bad relationships do.
Think it is their fault for not finding the right words to get through to their partner.

It is clear that you HAVE been clear. He just feels he is entitled to access to your body.

Where is his self respect? Bullying a tired woman.
I think sometimes we are not assertive enough for fear of hurting the other persons feelings. If you feel angry and upset you should be able to say so, shout if you want to, and say no more sex or groping without your explicit consent. Call him an abuser. No means no, fuck off is a useful phrase. If you are sure you have given a clear message and he persists, or you are afraid to be very clear then you know you need to leave. The threat of that may be enough, or be prepared he may look elsewhere. Fits

Not fits, gits

@stillnotthedoctor

What I dont understand is this belief some men have that they can't function without it. That sex is the be all and end all of a relationship.

I think generally it is much more important for men than women. I don't think that many men think that they can't function without it but more that they need it to be happy and if a relationship is not making them happy they have a right to feel negative emotions about that. And you know what I think that is totally fine and I don't think we should regard men as lesser or base as a result as that is just shaming. What isn't fine of course is engaging in abusive behaviour.

My ex was sexually abusive and it took me a long time to see it for what it really was.

EG, groping me by reaching round and grabbing my boobs when I was sat working at a desktop PC. I'd put my hands up to stop him, only for him to push my hands away and carry on. No respect for me or my wishes at all.

Or if I was in the house he'd stop me as I walked around and try to snog me and shove his hands down my trousers. During the daytime, and sometimes with the DCs in the house. I'd be frantically listening for the DCs movements, and try to get it over with quickly.

Pestering for sex in bed, I could even pretend to be asleep, and he'd start rubbing my arse and try to get his fingers in. Or maybe he'd ask me what I'd like, and I would say X. But he'd start doing X and would move on to do Y instead, and wonder why it wasn't working for me. EG he hadn't listened, he thought he knew what I wanted better than him.

I'd be calculating how long it had been since the last sex, and work out whether to initiate something to get him off my back. Make no mistake, I didn't want sex, just thought it would be easier if I did something to ensure the next few nights were peaceful.

I'm glad I'm not with him anymore. He still can't see he did anything wrong.

I will sum up what I understood /inferred from your post:
1- he always had a bigger sex drive than you did
2- he helps at home and with the kids
3-he has no "other " demand-from which I infer he is OK with the mess around and whatever good is available to him
4-in his mind he is OK because all he wants from you is sex and because he does not fancy anyone else but you
5-in his mind it is OK to grope you whenever he feels like it even if the kids are around and maybe even in public
6- I presume that he works to provide for the family (am I wrong?)
Look if I read all the above I can understand why some do advise you to LTB and believe that he does not respect you. However this assumes a deliberate intention from his part to humiliate and disrespect you. It might be that this is not the case. It might be that he just does not "get it". It might be that his software regarding sex in marriage needs to be debugged and rewritten. In fact it looks as if he has boundaries problems . A good therapist can help him having boundaries in place. With the little kids to take care of- you are too tired to help him do that or to even want to do that. I believe that you need external help -or more precisely he needs external help. It is a complex issue. What is sure is that you need to have strong boundaries in place -an absolute NO to groping you next to the kids when you are busy , in public , in any non intimate situation etc ; a clear way to let him.know when he is crossing them and be consistent in making him respect them (never ever agree to have sex just because he insists on having it and you give in to quickly stop his advances..) ; at the same time encourage him with an alternative to having sex with you ( masturbation-maybe next to you when you sleep if he feels lonely doing that on his own and if you feel OK with that.) When I was a student, my then BF and I were sharing a house with a young married couple of students; when the woman fell pregnant she could not physically bear her husband and did not want to have sex with him. He was a bit like your husband. He would grope her next to us. But she didnt want sex. It drove him mad. Especially that the pregnancy happened just before he went to Hamburg for some conference. He was very angry at her and he started yelling at her-next to us, in the common dining-room: if I knew that I would have had sex with the pretty girls I met in Hamburg. She laughed at him and told him: calm down and just continue doing what you did on your own in Hamburg and anywhere else when you did not have any GF...She added: now you also have the luxury to do it next to the woman you love and who is pregnant with your child...it worked for them... She didnt have sex during all her first pregnancy. He was annoyed/grumpy etc but accepted it....they went on to have another child..it was some 3 decades ago. I met them not long ago. They are happy. Sex is good for both. The kids are doing well. Independent and all...

)

OP is your DH the one who started the noisy sex thread?!

The OP's DH is definitely abusive and merely reading about it has creeped me out, as a survivor of childhood SA. If a woman says no, she doesn't mean that she might give in if her DH keeps asking, that's like my DDs whining for ice cream.

Sadly some women think that we should 'lie back and think of England', my DM being one of them. She gave me that advice when my PTSD was at its worst and I couldn't bear the idea of my DH near me. Thankfully, my DH doesn't want that kind of sexual intimacy, and has been so patient with me, despite the fact that we haven't had full sex for more than 5 years. (Our problem is that it's become the elephant in the room, which neither of us can mention, but that's another thread.)

There's no way you should put up with this, OP, this man is sexually assaulting you daily and he gets angry with you for 'embarrassing him??

The most disturbing thing is his 'jokey' comment that you signed a contract allowing him to do what he likes with your body. That isn't a joke at all, it sent a chill up my spine, it's the sort of thing that was said to me when I was being abused as a child.

kidsneedfathers “However this assumes a deliberate intention from his part to humiliate and disrespect you. It might be that this is not the case. It might be that he just does not "get it".
Not get what kids? Not get that it is not okay to behave like a nasty, abusive cunt? Of course he gets it. He is simply making a decision to override the OP’s feelings because he doesnt respect her and thinks his needs trump hers. Your post is just one long self indulgent ramble.

kidsneedfathers

For goodness sake. For one thing, the example you give is nothing like OP's situation. In your example, the man listened to what his wife said and respected that. OP's husband is consistently and repeatedly refusing to listen to her clear messages, trying to guilt her and make her think it is all her fault and explicitly stating that he is entitled to demand sex. Stop telling OP she needs to set clear boundaries. She has and they are being ignored by her husband, and then he's being angry and aggressive with her for setting them.

It's not just the sex. THe demands for sex are just a product of his underlying attitude to her and the relationship, and that is one of a lack of respect, emotional manipulation, and an entitlement to make demands of her, rather than a relationship of equality, respect and mutual support.

However this assumes a deliberate intention from his part to humiliate and disrespect you.
No, it might not be a deliberate intention. Maybe he just regards it as acceptable collateral damage if it gets him what he wants. Or, most likely, he simply doesn't stop to think what it is like for OP, despite her responses making it clear she hates it, because he simply doesn't really care.
Women stay with abusive men too long because they make excuses, 'Oh he doesn't mean to'. So they continue to suffer because he 'doesn't mean to', 'he just doesn't understand'. Abusive men justify their abuse because 'they didn't' intend to'.
Women need to know that THEY MATTER TOO. They matter too much to keep making excuses for, or allowances for behaviour which is harming, hurting or distressing them.
Attitudes in posts like yours, kidnsneedfathers, are part of the problem.

I find it grimly hilarious when men see not 'getting it' as an excuse for abusive behaviour. All that says to me is that men are total idiots who are unable to understand the basic human behaviour that even children are able to interpret (ie don't touch me, I'm not happy) - do men really want to be seen as bumbling nincompoops who go around abusing people because they don't have a clue how not to be a sex pest?? Do they genuinely think idiocy is a defence?

No, they think they have a right to their wife/partners body.

My Ex's reaction to telling him to stop, was to withdraw ALL contact.. it was literally a case of if I told him not to touch my breasts/stick his hands down my pants, that meant I didn't want him to touch me at all.

I got sick of saying I WANT cuddles, I don't mind a cheeky squeeze of my backside during said cuddles.. what I didn't want was for him then to start pushing until I ended up walking away from him or having to 'jokingly' smack his hands and tell him to leave off.

I wasn't permitted simple, non-sexual intimacy because he ALWAYS had to push and push and push.

However if I walked away, got out bed, left the room...etc I was called names, huffed and tutted at like i'd done something wrong and then was made to feel his subsequent bad mood was MY FAULT.

Its not just about sexual abuse.. its emotional abuse to, because you're constantly made to feel like you are at fault for brushing them off and somehow being cruel to them.

My exh also did the reverse in that if I ever tried to initiate sex then he refused. It was all about control and what he wanted.

Some men hit on every woman they encounter as they see it as a "numbers game". 100 women might say fuck off and 1 woman say yes. That's all they care about.
Maybe that's what DH is doing. For every 20 times he is rejected, she may give in and say yes.
He is not interested in intimacy or giving OP any care or attention. He just wants to get his dick wet.
Some men will always think like this. Those men should be avoided, it's rooted in misogyny. As someone once said to me "a misoginyst might say they love women. What they really mean is they love the way a woman feels on his dick."

Spaghetti I’m not sure all men are as ridiculous as the ones who have posted on this thread. Anybody with a name like kidsneedsfathers was inevitably going to post a load of old shite. 🤔

Amen to that crop

Thinking of you OP, and hope that after his parents have left you are able to make positive changes, whatever that looks like. Xxx

The first time I had sex was a guy I had met that evening. We talked for hours and I thought I had met the man of my dreams. He kissed me, and started grinding on me, and I said no, I've had a lovely evening and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better when we meet again, and he looked confused and carried on. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I literally could not find a way to get this guy to go home. So I said okay, let's go to bed and just cuddle. And of course he kept on. And on. And on, until I gave in and said okay because that seemed like the only way I could even vaguely control the situation. It's not rape if you say okay, or at last that's what I thought at the time. And then it was repeated, even after the use of the one condom I had. After I'd said we can't go again, I have no protection. Of course, after that night I never heard from him again.

It didn't occur to me until years afterwards, why I felt uncomfortable about that night. That actually, it was non-consensual, and probably rape. Arguably consent was less of a hot topic then, but that doesn't change the fact that "no, no, no, no, no, ok fine if you must" is NOT consent. I don't give a flying F what other people want to label it, It's really shitty and absolutely not okay.

I would give him a serious ultimatum. You are not his play thing and if he wants to treat you like his whore rather than his wife he should get lost.
I have a fairly high sex drive as does DP so luckily we are sexually compatible. That being said he and I would never pressure the other in to it or demean one another. A high sex drive is no excuse for this lack of respect x

His family have left and the atmosphere is pretty subdued. Neither of us seem aboe to start the conversation. I think i’ll have to write it all down otherwise i’ll just get emotional and be unable to articulate myself properly. I’m pretty sure he’ll try to come across as the victim at first and pretend that he doesn’t know that i don’t want him to keep making moves on me constantly. I’ll probably wait until tomorrow because i’m too tired and emotional after entertaining his family all weekend with this at the forefront of my mind. Thank you all. I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply to me.

I'm pretty sure he'll try to come across as the victim at first and pretend that he doesn't know that I don't want him to keep making moves on me constantly

That is horrifying - seriously, if you gave to explain to someone how to be a decent human being, you know the game is lost before it even begins.

If you hesitate to throw him out on the spot as soon as he comes out with that garbage, tell him that it's not your job to try to teach him the basics of civilised behaviour, and he needs to find therapy for his problems or find a friend willing to let him sleep on his couch until he learns the meaning of the word 'relationship' all by himself.

Give him one week to find a therapist and set up an appointment for himself. Do not allow him to talk you into couples therapy.

If you are going to have this conversation you need to have your 'big stick' option ready to roll. In this case you need to be firm about him being turned out of the house.

You have to win this 'conversation'. The future course of the relationship will be either on his terms or on yours.

I gather from the ease with which you predict how he will respond to your attempt to talk to him that he uses this gambit frequently.

Don't let him get away with it.

Kick him in the Crown Jewels!

I hope you manage to talk to him op. I think his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

My ex had the view that women were always up for it but didn't know it. He was also great at making me feel guilty for not appreciating how attractive he found me. He couldn't even have a wank in the end without me being somehow involved. If i pretended to be asleep he would do it against my back. I know that's alot more extreme than what's happening to you but this was 10years after our oldest child. He didn't start like that it was just groping and pestering to start with.

We have been separated just over a year now and the relief is amazing. I no longer dread the children going to bed. I can stay up as late as I like and not be woken up all the time. The idea of ever having sex again makes me feel sick so he's killed that for me. The only problem I have is even now he won't admit it's over and honestly believes I still want him. It's got to the point I'm a bit scared of him these days which is just sad as I would have always said he was a nice person until strangers on mn made me realise the truth.