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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constant demands for sex

231 replies

Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:04

I really need some help and to know if IABU. My DH of 5 years is constantly harassing me for sex. I have 2 children under the age of 3 and it seems to have gotten worse since they were born. This is pretty much the only negative in our relationship but it’s really wearing me down.
He gropes me while i’m doing the kids breakfasts and makes constant sexual innuendos. He says i’m lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much and jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

We’ve had serious arguments, one when i was 8 months pregnant about how i don’t make an effort in the bedroom. Our younger son doesn’t sleep well and was up all night with a high temperature. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep, looked after the kids all day and DH’s family arrived for the BH weekend this afternoon. The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me. He’s now in a mood and said all i have to do is “be nice” but i feel like he doesn’t listen to me or respect me when i say no.

I now feel really embarassed and am left wondering whether i am just a horrible person for snapping at him all the time. I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day. Please help!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/08/2018 15:38

crop your posts have been deleted because they constitute rape apology

HTH

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/08/2018 15:45

That is really unfair and untrue any. I was saying that IMO what the OP is describing is not rape. That is not rape apology, not in any way, and you know it.

Gojira · 25/08/2018 15:46

So what if he does equal share of the chores? It still doesn't entitle him to sex!

He's a twat and no doubt will end up twisting this all around so that it's your fault.

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 15:47

In what way is it not rape crop?

LeftRightCentre · 25/08/2018 15:48

Yuk. A sex pest would kill my libido stone dead.

stillnotTheDoctor · 25/08/2018 15:55

If someone coerced you into sex it is rape. If you have sex with someone because they make your life unbearable if you don't it is rape.

Rednaxela · 25/08/2018 15:59

Tell him to have a fucking wank

Alone

AwdBovril · 25/08/2018 16:00

FFS. Why is it that women are always expected to "Be Nice", i.e. give in to or forgive men's unwanted sexual behaviour? It's demeaning to women, as if that's all they are there for, and demeaning to men, as if they are not and cannot be expected to have any control over themselves. Putting the responsibility on women to deal with men's lack of control.

He's angry you embarrassed him in front of family? No - you responded to him, who embarrassed you in front of family. Again, he believed you weren't being "nice" (translation - sexual doormat).

Storm2018 · 25/08/2018 16:02

What word would you use crop?

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/08/2018 16:45

Storm the law says ‘rape occurs when one person penetrates another with their penis without the consent of the person being penetrated.’ Nothing in the op post says she has not consented, unless I am missing something. Calling this rape is actually deeply insulting to women who are raped.

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 17:02

Exactly. And someone pestering you so much that you give in and let them have sex on you is not consent. Not only that but the OP's husband knows the OP doesn't want it - he doesn't even believe he has consent. That clearly doesn't matter to him. Generally men who aren't rapists won't have sex with women who don't want it.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/08/2018 17:31

It is consent. Consent under pressure for sure, but it is still consent. I think it is little arrogant of you to decide on the OP’s behalf that she has been raped. I really am not sure how it helps her? She is being pressured into consenting to sex she is not that keen on. Lots of people are. It isnt nice but that doesnt make it rape.

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 17:36

Yes, yes it does.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2018 17:37

crop educate yourself

Juells · 25/08/2018 17:46

croprotationinthe13thcentury

It is consent. Consent under pressure for sure, but it is still consent. I think it is little arrogant of you to decide on the OP’s behalf that she has been raped.

There was an interesting case in Wilts about 25 years ago when I lived there. A couple drove around with the wife enticing men to follow them to dogging sites, some men would follow and have sex with the wife while the husband watched. They were interviewed by police, and the husband was charged with something that boiled down to (can't remember the exact words) 'obtaining sex by threats and menaces' because he'd said he'd leave her if she didn't do what he wanted. So in theory the wife in that case was consenting, but it wasn't 'real' consent. If someone keeps badgering and badgering, how real is the consent?

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 17:51

What I don't understand is why anyone would class a person who pesters someone so much they are coerced into having their body used for sex as 'not nice' - what on earth would have to happen to you where your scale of normal behaviour is so out of whack that you class bullying someone into sex as something akin to eating the last chocolate? If you're a woman and believe that, your self worth must be incredibly low

onetimeposter · 25/08/2018 17:52

Interesting how you say 'i have two children'
He sounds a sex pest

PoisonousSmurf · 25/08/2018 17:57

Get him a blow up doll!

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 17:59

Crop if a teenage boy pestered your teenage (over age) daughter so much that she gave in to sex she didn't want, and that he was aware she didn't want, around the back of her school, would you just consider that 'not nice'?

stillnotTheDoctor · 25/08/2018 18:06

@croprotationinthe13thcentury YOU are insulting those of us who have been raped in this manner by saying it isn't rape and minimising it. Consent by coercion is NOT consent. I take it you've never had sex with someone to protect your kids? Trust me. It's still rape.

mathanxiety · 25/08/2018 18:33

How much pressure makes it non-consensual, Crop?

The pressure that your child will be hurt if you don't 'consent'?
A knife to your throat?
Sulking for a day or two?
A massive sulk that goes on for many days?
A massive sulk that goes on for days that is accompanied by displays of temper?
A threat to go elsewhere for sex if the wife won't give in?
The implied threat to go elsewhere?
Knowledge that such a threat has been made in the past?
Recollection of a previous massive sulk that went on for days with or without displays of temper?

What sort of a man goes ahead and 'has sex' while knowing that the person he is having sex with doesn't really want to have sex but is doing the deed while her heart isn't in it, just in order to stop the pestering?

mathanxiety · 25/08/2018 18:37

...has agreed that we need some serious conversations if this marriage has a chance of surviving

My guess is he thinks this will be his chance to make you see things his way. Not his chance to hear your side of things.

The fact that he is angry that you embarrassed him in front of his family speaks volumes. This man clearly has notions about his position in the family - otherwise known as a massive sense of entitlement and Neanderthal ideas about what women are, and what their role is.

OrangePony · 25/08/2018 18:41

I can’t bear this - I had a boyfriend like this - would pester and pester and if I said no would get annoyed/angry. If I said I didn’t feel like it, he would say “yes you do”, “I’ll be quick”, “come on you do want it”.

I would give in. I don’t even know why.

I CANNOT bear men like this.

Let me give you a comparison OP - I have a two year old daughter and haven’t wanted to have sex since. My DH has been SO lovely about it. He asks occasionally but completely respects my decision when I say no (I know I’ve got to sort this out by the way but that’s a whole other thread - point is, some husbands will respectfully wait years - yours is barely willing to wait 24 hours).

OrangePony · 25/08/2018 18:42

Mathanxiety Very interesting point. I don’t know what the legal position is on this but would be interested to hear.

Sparkletastic · 25/08/2018 18:43

Urgh