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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH constant demands for sex

231 replies

Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:04

I really need some help and to know if IABU. My DH of 5 years is constantly harassing me for sex. I have 2 children under the age of 3 and it seems to have gotten worse since they were born. This is pretty much the only negative in our relationship but it’s really wearing me down.
He gropes me while i’m doing the kids breakfasts and makes constant sexual innuendos. He says i’m lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much and jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

We’ve had serious arguments, one when i was 8 months pregnant about how i don’t make an effort in the bedroom. Our younger son doesn’t sleep well and was up all night with a high temperature. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep, looked after the kids all day and DH’s family arrived for the BH weekend this afternoon. The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me. He’s now in a mood and said all i have to do is “be nice” but i feel like he doesn’t listen to me or respect me when i say no.

I now feel really embarassed and am left wondering whether i am just a horrible person for snapping at him all the time. I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day. Please help!

OP posts:

Lalliella · 24/08/2018 20:38

Yuck. OP he sounds like an absolute creep. He’s treating you like an object, a possession. This would be a massive turn-off for me. You need to sit him down and tell him that what he’s doing is tantamount to assault. If he doesn’t list then I'm afraid I would LTB.

SocialPiranha · 24/08/2018 20:39

Reading this made my skin crawl. My ex behaved exactly the same way only he went one further and routinely raped me. For years. And told me i should be happy that he fancied me so much. He held similar disturbing views about marriage and sex too by the way.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/08/2018 20:40

He wants to have sex with you knowing you are unwilling. Theres a word for that, and it isnt husband.

Mrsmadevans · 24/08/2018 20:44

YADNBU OP .
Quite how you can bear him l don't know .

Fizzysours · 24/08/2018 20:45

This sounds exactly like my other half. I felt sexually harassed and after 15 years I lost the ability to cope, refused any sex and we decided to split up. We got very close to this but he was very sad and he is a great dad and was so lovely about wanting to look after us all after the split that we decided to stay together. We have sex once a week and he knows he cannot ask for more. Maybe this will slowly increase but it will be me who decides this as we both realise he lost the right to put pressure on me as he was just so over the top. It has spoilt sex for me tbh but we are ok. Not blissful but happy enough together. He said exactly the same stuff about how great it was that he fancied me so much. Ergghh was so hard. Good luck sorting it.

LouHotel · 24/08/2018 20:45

Can I ask what you mean by constantly? As in every day, every other day ect..

Its not ok to be pestering you and if he's groping then thats assault but equally I do think intimacy is important in a relationship.

What is your ideal amount of sex in a month compared to his?

Mrsmadevans · 24/08/2018 20:46

OOPS sorry OP thought you were in AIBU , which you aren't being .

AnnaMagnani · 24/08/2018 20:48

Are you absolutely 1000% sure he does as much as you in terms of childcare, housework etc.

I ask because after being on Mumsnet a loooooong time, it usually turns out on these posts that the DH isn't.

For example, from your post, he hasn't had a younger DC clinging to him all day, he hasn't been busy making kids breakfasts because during these times he had nothing to occupy himself except harrass you and so on.

I would be fairly certain he isn't doing nearly as much as you and if you were to leave him to do all, really all of it he would get a shock.

Xenadog · 24/08/2018 20:48

He sounds utterly vile. My advice is to tell him he is, at the least, a sex pest, at worst he is a sexual predator. If he wants to stay married to you he needs to back off immediately, treat you with respect and listen to you. If he jokes about his behaviour, tries to make you feel guilty or negates your feelings in any way, you know immediately he views you nothing more than a piece of meat he has the right to fuck any time he feels like it.

I couldn’t stay with him. He sounds repulsive.

AnoukSpirit · 24/08/2018 20:50

He is sexually abusive.

He does not respect you.

His behaviour is abhorrent.

There are no tips we can give you that will change that.

It's not your fault. He is creating this situation, not you. He is the only one who can change it. He won't, because it makes him feel powerful.

Good parents don't model sexually abusive behaviour for their children - and they will pick up on it.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - they won't tell you to leave, they'll just help you understand what he's doing so you can figure out what you want to do.

Original poster

Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:50

@LouHotel I think ideally i’d like to have sex once a week on the weekend when we are both relaxed. He would like some sort of sexual contact every day so not necessarily intercourse but something.
Now it has been said i do think it could be low self esteem on his part. I genuinely don’t think he thinks he is being a creep. I think couples counselling is going to be the only way forward if our marriage is to survive.

OP posts:

Smoothsailing9 · 24/08/2018 20:53

I am sorry you’re going through this. I have had the same issues with my DH for years, and although things are a bit better now my DCs are older, it has consistently been the issue that has nearly broken us up.

I don’t have a solution, but when things were bad between us, we tried setting certain nights each week for sex. It sounds a bit mechanical, but it means he can be certain of it on those nights, and you can relax on the others! It did help get things in balance a bit.

I get the ‘nothing will put him off’ feeling. My DH even tried to get me into bed when I had swine flu! I must be the only woman who looks forward to getting her period because it’s the only time I’m not constantly pestered.

Juells · 24/08/2018 20:58

His argument is that he makes no other demands from me except this

Why does anyone think they have the right to make any demands of another person, and should be getting brownie points for 'only' demanding sex?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 24/08/2018 21:00

jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

Who does he think he is, Christian Grey? That guy was a cunt too, anyway.

I genuinely don’t think he thinks he is being a creep.

No creep thinks that he's a creep! No sex pest thinks that he's a sex pest!

They have a thought process going on by which they are completely in the right, or at least justifiable in their actions. The crux comes when you tell them that yes, they are a creep, they are a sex pest. How do they respond? Do they go away and think about why their actions make you feel that way? Or do they believe that you don't get to decide how their actions make you feel, and you're wrong?

LouHotel · 24/08/2018 21:01

I think he needs to understand that your in a new phase of life and there would be plenty of men happy with having sex regularly every week with their partner. (My DH would be jumping for joy with our work/family schedule)

If like you said he is contributing 50% to family life then its about his expectations v reality and how its manifesting into pestering. I don't agree with some posters who think he's a sexual abuser as if he was counselling wouldnt be an option, i dont think anyone here has enough information to make that judgement and that your instinct for counselling is correct.

THEsonofaBITCH · 24/08/2018 21:01

Men sometimes equate sex with love/affection/connection and especially after kids he may be pestering you for sex to assure himself that he hasn't been replaced in your affections by DC or he really just wants to connect with you again as the two people who love/loved each other pre-kids. Just another possible view to the LTB he is unreasonable oft expressed. Best wishes to you and in your situation.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 24/08/2018 21:03

Forget about couples counselling. It's no good when one half of the couple is abusive. You need individual counselling.

Quartz2208 · 24/08/2018 21:05

Op you need to tell him calmly his behaviour is inappropriate and not on. It’s your body and not his and the constant demands are putting you off. And frankly how dare he say you not bring into it if putting him off

He needs counselling as well I think

MaryandMichael · 24/08/2018 21:05

OP, you aren't taking this seriously enough. Stop being so understanding. Don't waste your time on counselling.

He's a sex pest. You're being abused.

What would happen if you said you wouldn't accept any sexual contact, not even groping, for a month?

It's your body. Yours. Not his.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 24/08/2018 21:07

I think I would genuinely punch him. I can understand that rejection is hard to take and maybe he has a higher drive for sex than you do but FFS! He has been told straight out to stop it and leave you alone. He needs to back the fuck off!

BewareOfDragons · 24/08/2018 21:10

His argument is that he makes no other demands from me except this and as no one else can give him this i should want to.

Eww. He's a creep, and this is NO excuse for his creepy, sex-pest behaviour.

I would be very firm. This has the potential to be marriage-ending if he doesn't stop this behaviour. Marriage counselling ASAP or you're going to have to reconsider your entire relationship.

DonkeyPlease · 24/08/2018 21:13

I have a really high sex drive. I want sex every day.

There is no way in hell I would treat my partner the way you describe your dh treating you. His behaviour is actually criminal, I'm afraid. He coercing and groping you. He seems to struggle with the idea that you can refuse sexual contact?

I'm not sure you can teach someone the basic things that are necessary for them to see others as human beings... That's something you learn in nursery school or not at all.

It's not looking good op.

sparklepops123 · 24/08/2018 21:13

Two bricks would sort out your problem

Parker231 · 24/08/2018 21:15

Basically he has no respect for you - his needs are greater than yours regardless of what you want. I couldn’t cope with such an uneven relationship. What happens if you are ill or just don’t want to be groped or have sex with him? After a month what would he do?

mathanxiety · 24/08/2018 21:17

His argument is that he makes no other demands from me except this and as no one else can give him this i should want to.

Sex is a language. It's not a reward given by 'She Who Must Be Pandered To' to the little boy who deserved it.

If he is making arguments to you as to why you should be 'giving' him sex then the sex ship has sailed. He does not see that sex is not something you give and that he receives. His 'joke' indicates that he veers into 'I own your body' territory. This is Zero Respect for You land.

Your H needs to go to therapy to try to form a mature adult view of himself as a husband and partner, of you as his wife/his partner, and of sex itself.

He is operating on the level of a kid begging for a treat.

Don't go to couples therapy.

Well done for snapping at him and I hope you do more of this. Don't be embarrassed. What the 'heck' did he hope to get you to do in the kitchen with his parents in the next room anyway?

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